How would you deal with this?

[Namechangeuser]

As to avoid a massive drip feed I will try to summarize a huge back story.

Essentially, I have no relationship with my grandmother (dad's mum), we were once close, however following the death of my dad at a very young age, she never got over it (as is to the be expected) and her grief has manifested into anger towards myself and my sister.

I have been no contact with her for nearly 4 years after she was over heard at my wedding saying the most disgusting things about myself and husband which were all fabricated.

Anyway...today I have received a birthday card from her to my daughter. It's her first birthday and she has sent a cheque along with a note dictating how it be spent, eg buy her something with it or pay into her bank account. Of course these are the only options, but my Nan has such a low opinion of me for absolutely no reason, that she believes i would probably spend it on myself which is why the blunt note accompanying it. I would never ever do this.

She doesn't ask how she is, how I am, make any reference to wanting any kind of relationship, it's just cold.

I don't want to accept the cheque. I would rather an apology for her awful behaviour and for her to perhaps actually show an interest in my daughter. She has never asked about her, I am pregnant again and she has never once asked how I am. She could reach out and never has, yet thinks she can just send cards like nothing has happened and I find it infuriating.

What would you do? Do I pay the cheque into my daughters account and forget about it?

Do I return the cheque to her?

I don't want a relationship with her.

Personally I'd return the cheque with a note stating exactly how you feel..........."that you would rather an apology for her awful behaviour and to perhaps actually show an interest......................

I would return the cheque.

Just return the cheque and put a note in saying you don't wish any further contact.

I’d return the cheque too.

Pay the cheque into your dd bank account and forget it.

I would bank the cheque in an account for your daughter, and let her decide when she's 18 whether she wants the money, or would prefer to return it/donate to charity. (I'm presuming that it's likely a cheque will come each year on her birthday, so over time it could add up to a big enough sum for her to spend on something useful.)

It's not your money to refuse.

I wouldn't feel I needed to make any effort to contact Grandma, or rebuild a relationship with her.

I guess if you don’t want a relationship with her then you return the cheque.
But on the other hand you say she hasn’t reached out, but maybe she is reaching out via your child? Saying “buy her something or put in in her bank” is actually not insulting you and though I can see why you are assuming she is saying you might spend it, she really isn’t. Maybe a thank you card with what you bought your wee one and the news that you’re expecting might break the ice and set up the possibility of a future relationship before she dies.

How much is it ?

If it's a lot of money I'd put it in DDs bank for the future.

If say £100 or less I'd send it back.

I think I would probably bank the cheque for Dd as it wasn’t for me. But I’m on the fence either way tbh. Part of me would want to send it back but I’m not sure which is the high road in this.

I’m theory she can decide that you are awful and are happy to take her money and not talk to her but she can also decide that you’re awful and so bitter you don’t put your daughter first if you send it back.

It’s so confusing. How would you feel if you banked it? Would you feel it was just money for DD it that because it’s from her it’s tainted?

I think how you feel about it is how you make the call.

Bank the cheque, move on with your life.

It is your child's money so you shouldn't really refuse it on her behalf.

@isadora unfortunately I know that the intent of the note is to prevent me spending it myself, this is the kind of bile she comes out with on a regular.

She is aware of my pregnancy, she just isn't interested.

She might be "reaching out" via my daughter, but I personally find this inappropriate and somewhat manipulative.

For those asking the value of the cheque, it's £25. I am more than happy and able to put that money in her account myself as to not deny her anything.

@middleclassproblem this is exactly my dilemma, it's a lose lose situation in many ways.

A relationship with my Nan is like a game of chess, every move is very calculated and you never ever win. She has her own rule book that iv never seen.

She may have sent it in good faith, i think sending money is always very lazy and impersonal, I wouldn't want it because I wouldn't want to feel obligated to anyone, a present is better especially for such a special birthday. Have you set up an account for your daughter anyway or is this something you would have to do. If you do bank it would you feel happy sending a thank you card.

@retirednow she has a bank account so it wouldn't be a problem, either way I will transfer £25 into her account as to not deny her the money.

I wouldn't be happy to send a thank you card no, I have nothing to say to the woman. Over the last 4 years of no contact there have been many occasions she could have reached out to me personally, not least when DD was born. She never has.

It's almost as if the card is just a formality. The fact it says "great granddaughter" on it sends my blood boiling because in my opinion, this is a title for those actually in her life. She has nothing to do with her, and in my eyes is neither my grandmother or dds great grandmother.

Rip it up and put it in the bin, don't be reeled in to communicate in any way with her.

You are nc with her for a very good reason.

The other option is to do nothing with it. Sending it back could seem like you are looking to upset her, cashing it happy to take her money.

Just it never being cashed and you disposing of it is a non answer.

It sounds to me like you don’t want to take the money but if you’re happy to add £25 of your own to DD’s account then I’d probably do that.

X post with Razor

*"Rip it up and put it in the bin, don't be reeled in to communicate in any way with her.

You are nc with her for a very good reason."*

Precisely what I was going to say. No need to return it. Stay NC and think no more about it.

Send it back to her or just destroy it. You’re under no obligation to accept ANYTHING for your child. You decide everything else on behalf of your child so this is no different. You’re making the decision to send it back or destroy it, in order to keep a toxic person out of your child’s life. That’s showing healthy boundaries, in my opinion.

Btw, take into consideration that if you send it back, that’s opening the door for her forcing communication and gives her ammo to use against you. Ignoring her and destroying the cheque is probably a better option.

Keep the money and spend it on yourself to spite her. Preferably something irresponsible like getting really pissed

I was going to say return it, but I agree with the later posters. Don't cash it, don't return it, shred it. She will not be able to say anything about you then will she, in fact she wont even know if you got it.

I absolutely would not cash it, no way, not ever.

Agree with just binning it - if you want to replace the money for your daughter all the better

I agree. I’d tear it up rather than return it or pay it in.

I would not cash the cheque and I would not reply to her.
She sounds an unpleasant person. Totally understand how you feel.

It seems as though the best option will be to just shred it, and pay the money into her account myself. As many have said, this way she won't really know what has happened to it, or if I even received it in the first place.

This is what I did with our wedding cheque from her, £250 straight in the shredder...I couldn't bare the thought of taking a penny from that woman, and she has never mentioned it, although that's hardly suprisingly seen as we haven't spoke since then.

The joys of a toxic family eh!