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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

OP going away when baby will be 6 weeks old

75 replies

magpiemay · 31/01/2018 11:06

I'm 23 weeks pregnant so quite aware I might be being unreasonable as I've been very over sensitive and hormonal lately...

OP has bought tickets and booked to go away for the night out of town to a gig when our baby will be 6 weeks old. He didn't mention anything to me or discuss it before committing but has now spent quite a lot of money on a ticket and just text to tell me he is going

AIBU to be annoyed? I think we should have at least discussed this! He really doesn't seem to understand how much things will change when baby comes- he won't be able to just do as he pleases and leave me holding the baby!!

OP posts:

Wintertime4 · 31/01/2018 12:08

I would let him go. However if he hasn’t asked you, then you need to tell him now that the baby is his responsibility as much as it is yours.

I’d expect a big favour in return too. Cooking all your meals that week and all housework and day/afternoon off...

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 31/01/2018 12:11

He should have run it by you first. Talk to him and explain that you're anxious and in future you'd appreciate him talking to you first without just booking whatever.

Blueskyrain · 31/01/2018 12:25

I think he should have run it by you first, but personally I think it's fine for him to go, providing he's willing to cancel if you're unwell or the baby is ill/severe colic etc.

Babies at that age are so variable. I know people whose babies were awake every hour, and had colic and screamed all evening every evening. Mine was at her easiest at 6 weeks and slept for - 7 hour stretches at night often. Now she's teething and crawling, it's far more difficult than the newborn stage for me.

rollingonariver · 31/01/2018 12:34

Tell him you've done the same and he's looking after the six week old baby.
You don't actually need to (unless you want to) but it'll show you a lot about what he thinks men and women's roles are.

Bluelady · 31/01/2018 12:37

Of course he should have discussed it with you but parenthood is new to him too and he's been thoughtless. Hopefully you'll talk about these things in future.

Primulas · 31/01/2018 13:21

It's also worth pointing out to him that 6 weeks post due date is not necessarily as predictable a time as he seems to think! DC1 was born 15 days late and so would have been barely 4 weeks old. DC2 was 4 weeks premature and in hospital for 8 weeks, so at that point would have been just a week or so out of hospital. If you have to have a C-section, you may still not be able to drive, particularly if baby is late etc etc.

nailyourcolours · 31/01/2018 13:25

Just one night?

Can you ask someone to come and stay with you if you feel you will need support?

LambMadras · 31/01/2018 13:27

My DH went away on business for 2 weeks when DS1 was 18 months old and DS2 was 4 weeks old. I survived.

One night is no big deal. He probably should have mentioned it to you but equally he is entitled to a night off and you can take one too.

DixieFlatline · 31/01/2018 13:37

He probably should have mentioned it to you but equally he is entitled to a night off and you can take one too.

Clearly whether it's as simple as 'you can take one too' depends on her OH's attitude and expectations regarding care of the baby.

BuzzKillington · 31/01/2018 13:40

It's a bit weird not to discuss plans together.

But one night? You'll cope.

2pups · 31/01/2018 13:41

Sorry - I think YABU - it's 1 night - maybe if it was around your edd but you've got plenty of prior warning.

newyearsameme80 · 31/01/2018 13:52

My dh was in a spaceship destroying earth-threatening asteroids for six months when our triplets were born. I coped - so you shouldn’t care that your dh has booked a wee break for bjmself without asking you if you would mind being left alone with the baby because, you know, penis and all.

Original poster

magpiemay · 31/01/2018 13:54

Thanks again for all the posts, I do wish people would read the posts in between, this isn't really about me coping for one night - of course I will! It's about him not discussing it with me or considering the timing so as to understand he should have spoke to me first!

I think it would be unreasonable to be annoyed of him having a night off but not unreasonable to expect to be consulted! As pp have said I will talk to him about it and make sure he understands there's a possibility he won't be going if baby is late or poorly etc and he should always discuss this kind of thing with me first like I would with him.

OP posts:

waterrat · 31/01/2018 14:00

blimey - one night op! I think it's totally acceptable, sorry - he doesn't have to put his life on hold completely and neither do you.

Yes he should mainly be heading back to support you each day but I really think one night out is okay.

newyearsameme80 · 31/01/2018 14:01

It’s a slippery slope OP (Or it can be) I’d suggest making time for yourself to go out and leave him with the baby regularly from the start so he gets used to it - if you don’t want a night out then even two hours going to the nearest cafe or library on your own, doesn’t matter that you could take the baby it’s important he has the chance to look after him or her without you being around.

Hersetta427 · 31/01/2018 14:03

It's one night what's the issue? My Dh had to go away for work 5 weeks after Ds was born. He misses dd's birthday and her first day of school.

Can you not cope for 1 night?

mommybunny · 31/01/2018 14:09

My DH went for a business trip to Spain for a week when DS was 5 weeks old. It was, frankly, a relief to have him gone as I had been trying to get DS into a nighttime routine (which in my experience can definitely be done although it contradicts MN orthodoxy) and DH had been interfering. By the time DH came back I had more or less cracked it and felt much more confident. It also meant that all my focus was on the DC, and I wasn't making his dinner or washing his clothes or even being required to make adult conversation.

So of course you can cope for one night without your OH, and it might even do your sanity some good. The issue really is, as so many PPs have said, that your OH just made the booking without consulting you and thereby asserted loud and clear that his priority is himself and his own entertainment. It does look like he may be panicking at the "tie" this DC will create - are you married, OP? Do you live together now and have you done so for long? Common courtesy should have him consulting with you with or without a DC - not asking "permission", but rather acknowledging that someone needs to be there with the DC and confirming they are ok being alone for that period of time.

When it comes up in conversation, I'd smile at OH and say something like "sounds like fun, hope you have a great time but if you want to go away overnight in future, I'd appreciate you letting me know before you make the booking rather than after. I would never "forbid" you from doing something you wanted to do, but as we're both the parents to this DC we need to show consideration to each other".

Original poster

magpiemay · 31/01/2018 14:09

Again I really wish people would read the thread before posting!!!

Of course I can cope for one night

I am annoyed he didn't discuss this with me at all before booking g it and using family money to pay for it

It also happens to fall on our anniversary weekend which has probably added to my annoyance

As PP have said- going away for work is very different to going away for a boozy weekend with his mates!!

I don't care he's going, I'm using is as an opportunity for my mum (who lives an hour ish away) to come and stay for the weekend and quite looking forward to having some time with her and the baby.

I just think - he should have at least spoken to me first!

OP posts:

Original poster

magpiemay · 31/01/2018 14:11

Thanks mommybunny I think that's exactly what I'm going to say... I would never say I don't want him to but definitely think it's about consideration and mutual respect ( and understanding we are equally responsible!)

OP posts:

champagneplanet · 31/01/2018 14:20

YANBU to be annoyed that he didn't speak to you first, that's something he owes an apology for.

You will be fine for one night though, and yes your lives will change when DC is born but you can't stop everything. My DH works nights, I know people who's DHs work away for weeks on end and they survive.

It also gives you credits for when you want a day/night to yourself and you can leave baby with him.

longtompot · 31/01/2018 14:24

YANBU to feel anxious and annoyed. He was BVeryU and a bit of a coward to tell you via text. He knew he was doing something that wouldn't be best received.

Who knows, maybe he will be so besotted with baby he will be torn about going!

Daddynosharing · 31/01/2018 14:24

It would have been nice for him to discuss it with you before but assuming it’s not a regular occurrence, I don’t think he is being unreasonable. It’s only one night, you will be fine!

Original poster

magpiemay · 31/01/2018 14:25

Good point about the credits.. will save them up for a friends wedding next summer.. I have given DP the heads up on the wedding - even though it's over a year away!!

OP posts:

Louiselouie0890 · 31/01/2018 14:55

One night yabu. 6 weeks old it would have settled down and got into the swing of things. He's still entitled to a life as are you. Although he is being unreasonable to only just mention it.

Aria2015 · 31/01/2018 15:02

My dh went on a stag do when my lo was about the same age. It wasn't ideal but I flew my mum in and had her help me for the weekend. It was actually really nice in the end. Could you have a friend or family member come stay? I think it would make all the difference as you're really in the thick of it 6 weeks in and 24 hours will seem like 24 days!

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