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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to be annoyed with mother....

80 replies

Mummymulb16 · 31/01/2018 09:38

Who said she would look after my lil one and then when the day comes she says no because he is sick! Also she is staying with me so not like I’m asking her to give up her time! Also she has been staying on and off for a few months and I have been doing everything for her to feel welcome and the one time I ask her a favour she makes me feel like I’m putting other before my lil one and she never offers to have him on his own unless I’m doing the school run! I’m just annoyed as I do so much for her and she just acts so weird when I ask her to look after the kids almost like she doesn’t want to but never says the words NO!

OP posts:

Original poster

Mummymulb16 · 31/01/2018 11:52

My mother is not ILL sorry if that’s what you thought I said in my first post! I said my LO was ill !

OP posts:

Falmer · 31/01/2018 11:54

newyear

WonderLime · 31/01/2018 11:54

Look after your own children. If she helps, great, but don't expect help. Surely you will need to figure out childcare for your return to work so maybe start looking at childminders for when you visit your manager.

She has absolutely no obligation to look after your children, regardless of how many she had of her own. Maybe after 5 she doesn't want to deal with it by herself.

And send her home if she's in your way (though I'm getting the impression she is still helping you out with childcare in the house).

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 31/01/2018 11:54

Oh come on. You don't have to be MC or university educated to know that the word is little not lil.

ASimpleLampoon · 31/01/2018 11:55

OP if she is staying with you long term then I think that YANBU. She should contribute to the household in a way that is helpful if that is the case. Sounds like she's effectively living there. Is that right?

Does she contribute in other ways, eg housework, chipping in with groceries?

Perhaps you could have a chat about with what you would like her to contribute, what she feels she is able to do, and come to an agreement.

Maybe shorter visits doing fun things together are more appropriate if the purpose is for her to spend time in the company of her daughter and grandkids.

springtulip · 31/01/2018 11:55

Yanbu, of course she doesn't have to babysit but why the hell cant she, especially if she's been staying at yours. I really don't understand some grandparents, they seem to completely lack empathy for their offspring. I mind mine, not only because i love to have them but i like to help in any way i can to make my daughters life easier. It just comes natural to me.

Life can be hard when you've got young kids, as a grandparent I can't sit back while it all goes on around me. Whatever needs doing for my family i'll be there.

Falmer · 31/01/2018 12:01

OP, do not change from 'lil' to LO, just because of the gf's. If that's your usual word, you use it! F 'em!

demirose87 · 31/01/2018 12:01

She's not under any obligation to look after your child. But I think if you're letting her stay with you then she should realise it's about give and take. Most families do help each other out in general and I think most grandparents would help out.

Lizzie48 · 31/01/2018 12:03

*OP...."Am I being unreasonable?"

Everyone else...YES!*

OP.....NO! I'm not!

I totally hate this kind of goady post, what is the point??? And it's not true either.

I do think it's wrong to expect grandparents to look after your children, but it's not fair to initially agree and then say no.

GreyHare · 31/01/2018 12:03

Reading between the lines, it sounds like she come to spend time with you OP her daughter, not to be your childminder.

Original poster

Mummymulb16 · 31/01/2018 12:04

Also I don’t think I am entitled to help when I ask for it considering I do a lot for her! But clearly I have to be a doormat is what’s most of you think as she doesn’t have to look after my kids which i very rarely ask!

OP posts:

WonderLime · 31/01/2018 12:08

No, just don't do a lot for her.

But yes, I think you are being entitled if someone says they are coming to visit you, and you turn round and say "great, I'm going out - look after my children"

Ivymaud · 31/01/2018 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Charmatt · 31/01/2018 12:11

My mum is great - the children stay over at her house sometimes, she collects my daughter from school and generally supports us. She also likes company and I enjoy her being in our lives, so we go shopping together, out for the day sometimes, etc. I would never expect her to look after my children if they were ill. She has said, 'Well I could have looked after xxxx for you' when she knows I've had time off work, but that isn't her responsibility.

Relationships are about understanding each other, not expectation of each other.

Falmer · 31/01/2018 12:18

OP, where were you going the day your mum was coming, then didn't because you asked her to babysit? Also, do you have a dp/dh?

Coyoacan · 31/01/2018 12:23

Maybe having brought up five children your mother likes the idea of enjoying her grandchildren without having to do the work involved. I think you should only do as much for your mother as you will not resent.

I have quite limited experience of children, but don't they always want to be with their mothers when they are ill.

Don't mind the bullies, OP.

Idontdowindows · 31/01/2018 12:27

"A few weeks back she said oh I was going to come and visit you and I said oh ok but we are going somewhere at the weekend but if she wanted she could still come and she can look after kids that would be helpful rather than me taking them with me ."

Yeah, no, now I wouldn't be willing to anymore either. She wants to come see you and you go "oh right, take the kids, I'm off!"

kissbeforelippy · 31/01/2018 12:29

Springtulip please could you adopt me? You sound lovely. My mother wouldn't even come to visit me when I was in intensive care after my DS was born. She hasn't renewed her passport so cannot, will not travel to where I live (it would be a three hour journey in all), so has not ever seen her DGS in his own home once in his 13 years on the planet.

I never felt entitled to it but I would love to have had the offer of help occasionally. Am lucky to have a fantastic circle of friends to rely on. OP, I know it's frustrating but be grateful for the help that you do get from your mum.

OhCalamity · 31/01/2018 12:33

I think she only likes looking after them when I am around! Why I don’t know as she brought up 5 kids so what is there to be scared off!

It's different minding someone else's kids though - even your grandchildren. My mother was like this. I think she just wasn't confident on her own with babies or children but she happily helped out as long as we were there too. It was a surprise and I just accepted that she would not want to babysit alone. I built up my own network of willing support to help out with childcare instead.

ButterflyOnTheWindow · 31/01/2018 12:46

Why I don’t know as she brought up 5 kids so what is there to be scared off!

She's probably 25+ years older now. You forget how babies wriggle and you don't get the weight training and muscle development that you do with constantly handling your own. Also a Mum can tell better when their own baby is a bit 'off' or not behaving usually.
It really does feel like a much bigger responsibility. I'd dread something awful happening on my watch. I'm not as fit or fast as I used to be. I don't have gcs. Yet. But I've looked after nephews and nieces with my heart in my mouth sometimes when they've got hold of something they shouldn't. Had they been vomiting I'd have had to say no.

goose1964 · 31/01/2018 12:57

Sprintulip totally agree.I'm having DGS for second week in a row, last weekend she had a birthday party to go to and this weekend so they can pack for moving. I didn't have to do either but I do ,not only because I love him and her too, but she needs time to here an to spend quality time with her DH. I wouldn't not have him if he was ill

Els1e · 31/01/2018 13:02

Do you think she is not well in some way and looking after him is worrying her? Given the amount of time she is with you, perhaps she also is concerned about being alone. I can understand you being frustrated though. If you get the chance, perhaps try a chat with her to see if you can learn what is going on in her head.

PurpleTango · 31/01/2018 13:08

It does seem a bit meh if your mother is living with you but refuses to look after her grandchild for a relatively short time.

Next time she asks a favour from you tell her “No” and keep repeating until the penny drops. What’s good for the goose... and all that

springtulip · 31/01/2018 13:18

kissbeforelippy how awful for you, to be in intensive care after giving birth and for her not to be there for you is shocking. Never mind all this, "you're not entitled" nonsense. I think you most definitely should be entitled to a bit of help off your mother at a time like that. Grandparents like this don't know what they're missing out on.

My youngest grandchild is 7 and regularly gives me huge hugs telling me "you're the best nana in the world". I'm not rich, but to me, that is all the wealth in the world i need.

Getoutofthatgarden · 31/01/2018 17:07

Also she hasn’t said to me oh what other day would you rather go to see your manager at work now that he is not as bad ! Basically she hasn’t mentioned it at all and it’s been 2 days! It’s like she’s hoping I will forget about it

I cant even begin to wade through this bit

It's really quite simple. It's obvious OP is talking about her DC is not as bad. Stop being a knob.

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