To admit I'm failing

[notcoping5]

Hi, I'm currently awake crying with my 4 month old who just won't sleep and it's all got too much.

I have 5 dcs, 1 has asd and 1 with asd/adhd and extremely challenging behaviour. Things have escalated recently and I'm finding managing his behaviour virtually impossible, as are school. Getting him to school has become a nightmare and then getting him inside the building is just awful. Think an hour and a half of chasing him round the roads outside with multiple staff.
Unfortunately he has no awareness of danger so runs out. This is anxiety based behaviour due to not coping with school.
He also doesn't sleep.

My baby has been pretty good but every couple of nights will be awake for hours and scream if I try to settle her. Tonight it has been from 12 until now and she's still going.
I went to bed at 10 and was woken up by my elder son (asd) at 11.30 who is also suffering with anxiety due to a change of teacher at school and regular supply teachers since!

I've been unwell constantly for the last few weeks first with my wisdom tooth (now removed) and now a chest infection which just won't shift. Plus gallbladder attacks every day for the last week always while I'm trying to get everybody to school!

My kids haven't been to school since Friday. I just can't cope. I don't know what to do I am crying all the time and feel like I'm losing my mind. I don't known anyone in real life that understands. Sorry this is so long I just needed to get it all out

Oh bugger I meant this to go in chat sorry

Big hug x I’m up with my 4 month old too....

Bloody hell you’re having a rough time

The only tiny weeny piece of advice I can offer is talking to your GP about trying to get you well again. Are you taking multivitamins?

I’m so sorry I’ve got nothing else to offer that is even remotely useful

I've just managed to separate mine from the breast without her noticing so far too scared to move or breathe now in case she wakes back up. I hope yours settles soon!

Oh, and you’re not failing; you’re fucking amazing

Sorry to hear you’re having a tough time OP.
Have you someone you can call tomorrow?a friend?

Thank you I feel like the worst Mum in the world at the moment I just keep crying. I know they have heard me cry too which makes me feel so guilty.

I tried to get an appointment to see the gp today but came up against a receptionist who refused point blank to help and told me to go to my nearest walk in clinic (15 miles away) which isn't doable with all the kids.

I have got friends but none who understand, I feel a bit like I'm shouldering their problems at the moment while drowning in my own and no-one has noticed.

I have started to withdraw from everyone and not want to answer phone calls or texts as there just isn't enough of me left to offer support to anyone else. I know that's not fair to feel like that but I just do

You're doing the best you can under very tough circumstances. Are your sons with additional needs in main stream schools, special schools or a specialist unit within mainstream school? If he's in a regular mainstream school then consider getting him transferred to one of the other two options. It'll make a massive difference to them.

Do they have EHCP's (Educational Health Care Plans - they replaced statements)? If not, speak to the school, the council, GP about getting one done.
EHCP

DLA - claim DLA & carers allowance for your sons. You can then use it to buy in some respite care, maybe a nanny to help with the younger children to give you a break.
www.gov.uk/dla-disability-living-allowance-benefit

Contact MENCAP who can help you access help and advice and practical support in your area. They usually have drop in sessions with trained advisers
www.mencap.org.uk

Contact the National Autistic Society for specialist advice, they also have a phone line and family support workers.
www.autism.org.uk

Go back to the GP and ask to see the practice manager and put in a complaint. You are a vulnerable mother with a young baby & two kids with SEN, you are more of a priority. Get them to book you an appointment even if it's a few days time. Don't leave the surgery until you have an appointment.

Sorry things are so tough, op. Not all kids with ASN can cope with mainstream school. Is there the option, when you feel strong enough, to look at whether there's a specialist unit more appropriate for the child who anxiety-bolts? Speaking from experience btw.

I missed whether you have a partner. If so, do they know how hard you're finding things?

You could ask from some support from HomeStart or see if your social services Child Disability Team can assess and support your family's needs.

What an amazing job you’re doing op. Oh and I totally get how difficult and lonely it can get. I have 4 dc one with severe sn. The nights when they’re all awake and need you all at the same time can be Soul destroying. I went through a really bad patch last week and just broke down crying and thought I couldn’t take it anymore. So I emailed my dds social worker. Told her I’m not coping. They were actually so great. She came to see me the next day. We got things into plan as to how we are going to help dd and us as a family at the same time. School and hospital appointments too. I also got a gp appointment to see how they can help too. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Call the gp and be very honest with them. Tell the receptionist that you need to speak to someone ASAP as you’re not coping well atm. Also getting your ds a good morning plan to get him into class without him stressing so much. Maybe going in at a slightly later time when the school has settled in and not too many people about to keep everyones stress levels down. Busy school mornings can be manic. I really hope you get some rest op and tomorrow is a better day.

Oh, and you’re not failing; you’re fucking amazing

This

Is your DC with ASD under the disabled children's team with SS? Do you have respite? If you are in contact with them tell them you need more support. You are amazing. I have 2 DCs and one with ASD and SLD. You need support and help but you are doing a fantastic job

Thank you all. To answer some questions both boys are currently in a mainstream school. School are in the process of applying for an echp and a discussion about moving him has been had but at this point they are trying to exhaust all their options to help him first.

My relationship has broken down which hasn't helped. The older kids go to their dads once a week at the moment (his choice not mine he is apparently busy)

You are not failing, you have it harder than most especially as your children's father has decided he gets to opt out after having five children with you, and the youngest still a tiny baby! What an arse!

Hope the advice from others is useful. Getting your son with the very challenging asd/ ADHD anxiety behaviour into a school that can cope with him better, and where he'll feel secure, does sound like the thing that will help you all most (and getting yourself well - sounds as though you need antibiotics for the respiratory infection - I had bronchitis when dc2 was 4 months and that on its own was hideous, with only one toddler and one baby and a husband pulling his weight).

I only have two children with an ASC and that drives me to despair at times never mind three extra children and no support from a partner. What I would say though you have to start being honest with people in real life about how difficult you are finding things and what they can do to help. Could a friend or family member help out with the school run or babysit whilst you have meetings to get better support in place for your children with SEN. Does school know how difficult the school run is for you and would dropping off your children early or late help (made a big difference for us).

There's no one that will do the school run for me, mainly because no one can manage him at the moment I have a family support worker who I can talk to and who deals with issues with school etc. School are aware of the difficulty with getting him in (and out) of school and have staff on standby to be outside on the road for him

It sounds like he's a real horror, he's not he's a great kid underneath it all he just has so many things going on and he can't cope with it all at the same time.

I'm just so tired mentally and physically at the moment. I will pull myself together and crack on like I always do it just feels so impossible at the moment

If you've applied for DLA can you use some of it for childcare for the baby & the children without SEN? So then you can concentrate on getting your two children with additional needs to school.

Have a chat with NAS & MENCAP and see what they come up with. Do they wear ear defenders to block out the noise of the traffic etc? You can get the cheaply from Amazon.

I also think you are amazing.

I’m so sorry things are so tough.

Your son sounds very similar to how my sister was, when she started a new school she refused to go in, I remember her clutching at the bars of the fence and screaming no, no, no I’m not going!! As of course others stared.

The school actually allowed my sister to go into an almost isolation situation. They got a TA to sit with her, help her cover what the class were learning, they then got one child to almost buddy with her, then the child suggested they went outside at lunch and break, sister then slowly, slowly made it back into classes with others.
For example the class that buddy was in for maths, then someone else who was viewed as nice was in English, so she went into English.
If it was too much they stayed in isolation.

See if the school can do that, because as I see it, that’s the biggest stressor at the minute, and the school should be able to support you.

Do go to the Drs, with the Drs and some school help you should see a large improvement, but there’s nothing here that suggests you are a failure as a parent, be kind to yourself. You are bringing up 5 children!

He gets dla which currently pays for swimming lessons (1 on 1) and drumming lessons. Reluctant to stop either as he loves them.

He wears ear defenders almost all of the time when outside the house and at school and uses chews and fidgets and has sensory areas to calm him down.

Thank you for all the support everyone I know I am being a negative nelly at the moment and I can't afford to be.

Sorry yes he also goes into school very early way before other children start to arrive and is taken to a quiet area to calm before school starts.

Unfortunately he is very behind academically, he is still unable to read or write at all and doesn't know all his letters etc (he is 7) he regularly 'loses' the letters he does know so has to relearn them which is frustrating for him. He has actually gone backwards drastically this year with his learning.

I feel your pain and know exactly how you feel. Although maybe not exactly as i only have one ds (13). He suffers anxiety, depression and hates school and going outside in general. Everyday is a battle. He has other health issues too which dont help. I have my suspicions that he has ASD but the professionals say no.

it is an incredible workload that you have, it should get easier when the baby gets older. There seems to be so much pressure about school attendance in the UK, but missing a few weeks of school is not a big deal in the great scheme of things.
YANBU to feel overwhelmed but it is fantastic what you are doing.

I don’t know anyone who could cope with all that without getting overwhelmed. Do you have a health visitor that you are in touch with? Do Home Start operate in your area? If so your health visitor could recommend you and perhaps you could have some volunteer help from another mum a few hours a week.
If you’re anywhere near Oxford, message me and I’ll get my shoes on. (Absolutely not a joke)
You are stronger than you think.