To admit I'm failing

[notcoping5]

Hi, I'm currently awake crying with my 4 month old who just won't sleep and it's all got too much.

I have 5 dcs, 1 has asd and 1 with asd/adhd and extremely challenging behaviour. Things have escalated recently and I'm finding managing his behaviour virtually impossible, as are school. Getting him to school has become a nightmare and then getting him inside the building is just awful. Think an hour and a half of chasing him round the roads outside with multiple staff.
Unfortunately he has no awareness of danger so runs out. This is anxiety based behaviour due to not coping with school.
He also doesn't sleep.

My baby has been pretty good but every couple of nights will be awake for hours and scream if I try to settle her. Tonight it has been from 12 until now and she's still going.
I went to bed at 10 and was woken up by my elder son (asd) at 11.30 who is also suffering with anxiety due to a change of teacher at school and regular supply teachers since!

I've been unwell constantly for the last few weeks first with my wisdom tooth (now removed) and now a chest infection which just won't shift. Plus gallbladder attacks every day for the last week always while I'm trying to get everybody to school!

My kids haven't been to school since Friday. I just can't cope. I don't know what to do I am crying all the time and feel like I'm losing my mind. I don't known anyone in real life that understands. Sorry this is so long I just needed to get it all out

School are in the process of applying for an echp and a discussion about moving him has been had but at this point they are trying to exhaust all their options to help him first.

I'm sorry but if it is taking them, and multiple staff, an hour and a half to get him into school then maybe they have exhausted all of their options.

What is his behaviour like in school generally? Are they keeping records of every incident? What his his behaviour like towards staff and other pupils/students? How is he once in school?

What support systems are in place for him already, besides getting in early and a quiet area?

Does he have friends?

The worst thing is that autism expertise is very poor in school.

Oh and you are doing brilliantly

Sorry your going through so much, single mum of 2 dd’s With ASD here. Your ds sounds very similar to my youngest dd, I fought for 7 years to get her out of MS and it wasn’t until she was high school age I got her out (last year), we had periods of school refusal, times I felt she wasn’t safe at school and I kept taking her case back to panel to get her moved (always declined). It is hard work on your own, my dd’s See their dad once a week too, he doesn’t have much to do with them and doesn’t even know where dd goes to school.

We did something called ‘the listening programe’ With dd2 which really helped with her sensory issues around sound and it meant she could cope without ear defenders at school, she was calmer and coped better in certain situations at school (lunch times, going to church, school hall and classroom), I would highly recommend it.

Dd2 now goes to her new school in a taxi so I don’t have to deal with getting her into school, luckily she loves her new school and seems willing to go, she’s much more relaxed being in a specielest environment and I’m less stressed as I know she’s safe.

Please don’t think your failing, your doing a great job, parenting isn’t easy at the best of times, juggling kids with ASD and a young baby is hard work but you are doing great.

No advice that hasn't been suggested, but just wanted to say you don't sound like you are failing- far from it!

OP you really are doing an amazing job for your children but it sounds like you are really suffering as result of trying to keep it together for everyone else. I know how hard parents of children with additional needs have to fight to get help for their children and themselves. Is there any way the children's father can shoulder a bit more of your burden? And I echo what a PP suggested about trying Homestart, a volunteer might be able to give you a bit of weekly breathing space.

Are social services involved? If not I would suggest you ask for care assessments in relation to both children with SEN, and discuss whether they are able to offer respite care or something like help in the mornings.

I think if I wasn't so ill I would be managing still this week it's like I've hit a brick wall.

Their dad is no help, he is at work all week to be fair and feels that he doesn't get any time to himself so won't help out. Just keeps telling me I'm lazy as I'm not at work at the moment. I have no idea how I'm going to go back to work the way things are at the moment childcare isn't an option.

Social services have been involved but as everything is held together well enough there is no help there. School record and report all incidents.

We are waiting on Camhs input but that is very slow going and not expected to happen anytime soon.

Homestart, GP, Health visitor and social services (children with disabilities team? will all happily help you should you pick up the phone and ask

My health visitor is involved heavily with us because of the baby (weight issues ) and also in taf meetings. Gp isn't helpful and I will look up homestart and ring today. I spoke to our family support worker yesterday who is very supportive and doing all she can but ultimately the help just isn't there at the moment.

Thanks again everyone for the advice and support.

Keeping five children safe, fed and loved when you're parenting solo is a massive achievement every day! Let alone when you're fighting illness. I really hope you managed to get some sleep eventually last night.

If you do have Home-Start in your area you can self-refer, you don't need to go via a HV. You would definitely qualify. Also might be worth discussing low-dose melatonin supplements with your GP for your child with asd who doesn't sleep.

Your DCs dad says you're lazy? I have never sworn on here before, but what a fucking arse. I hope you manage to access some help soon

Fully expected someone to say that.

I had 4 children in a stable relationship before my 2 boys problems became apparent and was managing brilliantly practically and financially ever since.

My 5th baby shouldn't have been able to be conceived, however to everyone's amazement she was and she is very much loved now.

I didn't have my children expecting my relationship to break down and things to become this difficult but that's life isn't it.

Yes I think the sterilisation should cover that don't you

You don't have to explain to anyone "why you keep having babies". Fact is, you have 5 very loved and wanted DC and at the moment, you're struggling, as is understandable. I have no words of advice but just wanted to say I think you're fucking amazing. Keep going. ..it does get better

Call my baby

What on earth do you get from posting inane comments

callmybabybalonz
f**k off troll
OP has braved mumsnet for support and advice not critism
If you have no compassion (or decency by the look of it) why are you on this thread?
I honestly hope you never have to go through any of this with your child. Don't think you would manage to do such a great job if you're here slagging off other parents.

notcoping5
You've already done so much. Please don't think your failing
And your ex sounds charming
The fact you are still managing to take care of everyone's needs while your run down is nothing short of amazing!
There's lots of great advice on this thread so I won't repeat any of it. It soumds like you have done a lot already. Have you looked into some sort of respite care for the boys? I know it seems drastic and yup another change to tackle but you also need some time for yourself and the other kids.
Also for what it's worth perhaps your 7yo would be better placed in a school more suited to his needs. My DS1 has adhd/asd and absolutely struggled through primary and has some terrible self esteem issues some due to failing to keep up with his peers and obviously he was the weird kid. If I known there were other options back then....
Also OP have you tried applying for school transport. Gov.uk have an eligibility checker on their website.
Oh and just wondering, depending on your location do you have any asd charitities/support centres? My nearest for example is called ADDvance they cover Hertfordshire. I believe there's one in the outer boroughs of London call addiss. Basically they have people who can meet with you and support you as best they can with all the usual stuff except they are there for you and what you need at home. The reason I mention these organizations is because A) You can apply through your family worker to get funding for the 'coaching sessions'
B) These places have access to other one off funds for you and are able to refer you to any respite services you might want to look into which If im correct in thinking the L.A. should pay for.
Good luck and I hope you get well (& some sleep) soon xx

I have nothing practical to add like the other wonderful posters above.

I just wanted to add that it sounds so incredibly difficult. Please please don't beat yourself up over crying in front of the children. From the sounds of it they have had a very stable and secure life, but right now you are going through a tough patch and there is nothing wrong with your children seeing you show emotion over how hard it is.

I'm so sorry to hear this. You're amazing, not failing. Help available depends on the area. Can your family support officer find you extra support? Can the school? I'd second getting in touch with NAS. Is there a parent support group for people with SEN/disabled kids? There's one in my area and it's a lifeline. Even if I can't get out to see people, there's a closed FB page and somewhere to reach out to others. Other parents may know more about getting respite through charitable organisations etc. I had a bad period a few years ago and begged social services for help. They didn't give me any, and I had been afraid of them in general, but I got to the point where I would try anything. Does your ex know just how bloody hard this is, day in, day out. Can you insist he does more? It doesn't matter how busy he his, he's not likely to be as busy and over-stretched as you are. Dealing with ASD/ADHD is so, so hard. I feel for you.

Also, for your child who doesn't sleep: have you considered melatonin? GPs generally don't prescribe it, but a paediatrician should be able to (via ASD/ADHD clinic). It's not a wonder drug but it did help my child be more relaxed at bedtime, and drift off quite naturally. Sleep-deprivation all round is so hard to cope with.

What a stupid thing to say callmybaby
Op, I have no experience of this but you sound like you’re keeping things together amazingly. I’m sorry your ex isn’t as responsible and engaged as you are. I hope things get easier for you all soon

Thank you all, sorry I haven't been back it hasn't been a good day.

I am part of a Facebook local group for SEN families it's been a great help. Also have tired melatonin unfortunately it doesn't affect him at all
I will definitely be looking up all of these suggestions tomorrow and making phone calls you've all been really helpful.

I am making lunches and laying out uniforms for tomorrow morning and everyone is going where they should be.
I'm going to spend the day getting things in order. Onwards and upwards
Must remember this positive mindset first thing tomorrow when all hell breaks loose!

Keep going notcoping....one day I'm hoping you change your username to I AM coping, and I'm bloody brilliant !!