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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be embarrassed about my home ??

89 replies

Lillylou22 · 30/01/2018 22:56

I live in a small 2 bed house on a council estate, mostly I like it. It’s cheap, neighbours are friendly (mostly) and we havn’t really had too many problems ( bar the crazy downstairs neighbour but she wasn’t here long!).
Thing is the area has a bad rep, my friend and family joke about where I live and it’s starting to get me down. I hate people coming round always in fear they will say something negative. Comments range from “its nice and compact” to, “how do you cope?”
DP’s best pal is coming over this weekend with his snobby ass wife and I’m dreading it... is it normal to feel ashamed of feeling ashamed ? I feel guilty for even thinking this way as we have enough money, a clean comfortable home and have a happy life ! I need to tell people to F off and not care but I do Confused

OP posts:
HoppyHannah · 31/01/2018 00:33

Have you been invited to the castle of your DPs best friend and wife yet?

What has your DP said about your lovely house?

I will not be intimidated by anyone. If I get a feeling it is usually THEIR problem, so I totally ignore.

I would never have anyone to stay here, feck that, too much prior cleaning involved. They can stay elsewhere if they REALLY want to stay in town.

I've got it sussed now and will take no prisoners!

BulletFox · 31/01/2018 00:38

It's your home. It's where you cook, eat, wash, sleep and relax.

It's where you walk in and shut off from the outside world.

So any visitors should be privileged to be invited in.

LittleKiwi · 31/01/2018 00:41

FWIW we live in a big house and your home sounds lovely and loved, which is what matters. There are pluses and minuses to big and small houses - there was a thread on here a while ago where someone was thinking about buying a big place and lots of people piled in to talk about the stress of a big mortgage/ costs, the effort required to clean a big place...

I NEVER say anything that isn’t positive if someone is kind enough to invite me to their home. I have never had guests who said anything rude about our home and that’s not because it’s amazing, just because they have basic manners. You are doing your guests a favour by having them to dinner and the least they can do is be polite. This woman sounds awful. Enjoy complaining about her and don’t worry at all!

ClementineWardrobe · 31/01/2018 09:14

Does she know what 'jail bait' actually means? She is utterly offensive. Please do explain to her precisely what it means if she uses the term.
I hope she feels suitably embarrassed by the explanation.

Cockmagic · 31/01/2018 09:17

I also live in a 2 bedroomed council house, the areas not great but me and DD have lived here 9 years without any problems.

I'd tell them to do one of they've got a problem;

Snowysky20009 · 31/01/2018 09:47

We live in an2 bed HA flat. I sent ds's to school approx 7 miles away in an affluent area, as the school was amazing, and we were lucky to get a place. Ds1 best friend was 'old money', he and his parents all had titles, and there house was huge- swimming pool the lot.

First time I went his mum offered me a glass of wine whilst the boys finished playing in their own woods. So I accepted, and whilst chattting she admitted that I was the first mum that had ever accepted the offer, most legged it. She felt that people were intimidated by the house, their titles. (It was well known in the area who the family were).

One day I went to pick up ds after a birthday party, and there were loads of family and friends there. I got talking to one gentleman who had just retired but was a well known barrister. He asked who I was and I jokingly said 'I'm just the local council estate girl'. He laughed and gave me a hug, then pulled away and held me by shoulders and said something along the lines of 'never be ashamed of that, look around you here, almost everyone is old money, they all have titles, they all have their huge family homes with antiques passed through generations. But I tell you now, you are one of the most real people in this room, you know what life is and how to survive it. Many of these here haven't a clue. So please never ever apologise again about where you are from, it's that which makes you you'.

We then had a long conversation where he was telling me who was who, who had had affairs with who, who had been kicked out of different private school, who's been caught with cocaine, who was in massive debt etc. Then he went on to say 'you probably think I'm a huge gossip (umm yes!), but I'm telling you this so you understand that just because people have money, it doesn't make them any better when someone who doesn't. They still have he same issues, but rather than a 1k debt they have 500,000k, rather than being caught with weed it's cocaine, X for example can't decide whether to go on holidays or fix her downstairs loo this year'

What he said to me that day really has stuck with me. So I don't have the big house, but ours is clean and tidy 50% of the time, it's always warm and we have full cupboards, fridges and freezer. I don't have s brand new car, but my little 10 year old just flew through her MOT. We don't go on holidays every year, but try for every other, my boys work hard in school and ones off to uni in September. But most importantly they are polite and well mannered, never been in trouble in school or outside, never into drinking or smoking, and they care about their friends.

But it's funny when people ask where we are from and sound surprised when we say, as apparently we sound too 'posh' for here 🤣 Nope we are just from the local council estate and have no plans to go anywhere!

AlbertaSimmons · 31/01/2018 09:52

Years ago when I got divorced, I had to move from a four bed two bath, big garden semi in a naice village to a two up two down in Roughsville. A friend came round, burst into tears and said "Oh Alberta, how has it come to this?" I was furious - I'd worked hard to get out of my marriage, I had funded the purchase of my home out of a measly settlement and a mortgage and I was standing on my own two feet. I dumped her after that.

It's the very height of rudeness to judge / comment on someone else's home - and pointless as it affects nobody else in any way, shape or form. IGNORE.

NancyDonahue · 31/01/2018 10:31

Alberta Stupid woman. You are well shot of her!

Pollaidh · 31/01/2018 11:20

Snowy you are very eloquent, I really enjoyed your post.

To add to the very sensible posts above: If she's snobby, then that's because she's insecure about her own social position, or possibly her marriage or something else that makes her need to put someone down so she can feel better about herself. You being happy with your lot is perceived as a threat by her.

DH is from an UC family, he may not always understand the challenges of life with less money but he doesn't judge his friends on it. He grew up in a castle, one of his best friends grew up on one of the most notorious council estates in the country.

TheSpottedZebra · 31/01/2018 11:27

Snowy what utter nonsense. Are you quite sure that happened?

MargoLovebutter · 31/01/2018 11:32

I feel the same sometimes. I live in a lovely flat, but it isn't in the best area and it does bother me, specially as I am naice and when my naice friends come to visit from their huge mansions I am very conscious of the surrounding area.

But, there it is. Bugger all I can do about it, so I just make sure they all feel welcome when they are through the door & I never apologise or make a joke of it. If any of them ever did, they'd get my Paddington stare but they wouldn't!

Pollaidh · 31/01/2018 11:34

I wasn't disbelieving Snowy when I said I enjoyed her post. I've seen someone do something similar - i.e. "well yes x may seem to have it all, but I know for a fact she married for money and is utterly miserable".

Gladiola44 · 31/01/2018 11:34

TheSpottedZebra that’s what I was thinking. Like a bad Mills and Boon novel.

HollyBayTree · 31/01/2018 11:38

She regularly goes on about the “jail bate” children she works with... basically any child who isn’t privately educated in her books

Did you mean 'jail bait' as in so under age sexually attractive that an adult would risk jail time?

I cant fathom how this equates to being a snob? Quite the reverse

jaxom · 31/01/2018 11:39

Home owners against renters, renters against home owners, home owners against home owners.

It's a crazy world.Confused

Blackteadrinker77 · 31/01/2018 11:46

Those that mind don't matter
Those that matter don't mind

Perfectly put

dangermouseisace · 31/01/2018 11:47

YABU to be embarrassed about your home. YANBU to be offended by others comments though.

I've mainly lived in bad/very bad reputation places, and been very happy. Others either get used to it or don't visit and that's no great loss. Who wants to entertain snobs? As time goes on, and they can see you are happy and safe they will shut up.

I moved to a 'naice' area for a year. It was awful and I hated the politics/people concerned about appearances. But others love it...different strokes for different folks I guess. You've got what you like and don't let people make you feel that you shouldn't be content with that.

TheFirstMrsDV · 31/01/2018 11:52

I bet those unpleasant enough to judge your house are the same sort of people who go on about how unfair it is that they haven't been given 'a free house in a prime location' and how you should be grateful.

There is nothing to be ashamed of. The only reason I moved out of council was our flat was too small. If I had an extra bedroom I would still be there and proud of it.

AnachronisticCorpse · 31/01/2018 11:53

You do get snobs in every walk of life but honestly I’ve found the more comfortably off the person, the less likely they are to look down their nose.

It tends to be about their own insecurities.

I do know what you mean about feeling ashamed about being ashamed, I lived in a tiny flat for a while with my two then toddlers and I did go through a period of not wanting to invite the other mums round, but in the end I thought actually I’ve worked hard for this (left an abusive marriage) and we love it here so why am I ashamed?

I will just add that we now live in a beautiful large house on a ‘posh’ estate (nothing to do with me, DH earns well and bought his flat in the nineties for tuppence) and I STILL feel insecure about what people think of me/my house.

I think I am trying to say that no one can make you feel bad without your permission as the saying goes. Fuck em Grin.

TheFirstMrsDV · 31/01/2018 11:54

I cant fathom how this equates to being a snob? Quite the reverse
How is sexualising and blaming a child for abuse the reverse of snobbery? Confused

AdultHumanFemale · 31/01/2018 11:56

When I bought my house, some people behaved as if someone had died, disbelief and commiserations. The area was considered no-go rough at the time, but I liked it. People were so rude! I know some of my friends still think I'm a bit 'edgy' for living here, although it is slowly gentrifying.

Orangecake123 · 31/01/2018 11:56

I would be happy with any home where you feel safe.

dingdongmerrillyonhigh · 31/01/2018 11:57

I have two children and live in a one bed flat! Thanks to a divorce I've gone from owning my own two bed flat to renting a one bed shoebox. I know exactly how you feel! Most of my friends/extended family have never been to my home because those who have have gasped and stared in amazement at how we're all living in such a small flat, we all sleep in same bedroom. I've had everything from "how do you live like this how do you cope?" to "I think you're doing an amazing job I couldn't live like this" and 'You really do need to move it's not fair on you and the children".

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 31/01/2018 12:00

Your home sounds lovely, it takes a happy family to make one !

MargaretCavendish · 31/01/2018 12:04

One day I went to pick up ds after a birthday party, and there were loads of family and friends there. I got talking to one gentleman who had just retired but was a well known barrister. He asked who I was and I jokingly said 'I'm just the local council estate girl'. He laughed and gave me a hug, then pulled away and held me by shoulders and said something along the lines of 'never be ashamed of that, look around you here, almost everyone is old money, they all have titles, they all have their huge family homes with antiques passed through generations. But I tell you now, you are one of the most real people in this room, you know what life is and how to survive it. Many of these here haven't a clue. So please never ever apologise again about where you are from, it's that which makes you you'.

A stranger said what to you?! But he's definitely right, you should be very proud of yourself, and especially your amazing memory for long speeches.

Anyway... I understand what you're saying about being ashamed of being ashamed. When DH and I lived in a tiny and grotty flat I hated having people round - while we were actually perfectly happy there, and it allowed us to achieve an important goal (moving there meant we could afford for him to do his PGCE), seeing it through other people's eyes always made me feel a bit low and sad about it, and then annoyed with myself for feeling like that. Absolutely you shouldn't care, but it's easier said than done. Can you try having a mantra in your head? Something like 'We're happy here and it works for us'. You don't have to say it aloud, just repeat it in your head whenever they make a comment - and then try and let the comments just wash right over you as the meaningless noise they are.

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