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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel inferior to other school mums

51 replies

Shadow1986 · 30/01/2018 22:06

I know I am being so pathetic here 🙈

My school seem to have a bit of a school mum clique, a clique that I’m not in - and I wouldn’t really want to be, but why oh why do I find myself thinking, hours later, about the god damn school run. And who spoke to me and who didn’t, and what nice clothes they were all wearing etc!

Part of me doesn’t give a damn and the other part keeps bringing into my thoughts again!

I do have some nice school mum friends, and lots of friends outside, but how do I man up and not let the others affect me so much! I don’t know why they are having this weird affect on me. I feel like I’m the one starting school not my child! 😂

OP posts:

Iloveanimals · 30/01/2018 22:08

Be happy in who you are. Be friendly to others but don't push friendships. If it happens it happens If it doesn't it doesn't. Many times the only thing you have in common is the fact your kids go there!

Mycatisahacker · 30/01/2018 22:08

It’s the School environment it takes you back to all the raw feelings both good and bad.

It wears off in time

Heliophilous · 30/01/2018 22:09

YABU. Get a grip. Honestly, just hang out with the people you like, don't hang out with people you don't like (or who don't like you) and don't, above all, give it any head space. It does not matter!

Mishappening · 30/01/2018 22:12

Balls to the boring clique - stick with the nice ones!

I remember feeling like that when I first went to uni - I soon found those that I felt an affinity with and realised that the confident clique had its own insecurities.

Original poster

Shadow1986 · 30/01/2018 22:12

I keep telling myself the same thing Heliophilous - don’t give it headspace. I’m really trying not to but it keeps popping up, it’s obviously really bothering me and I can’t think why!! They generally aren’t my type of people anyway!! It’s crazy!

OP posts:

MojoMoon · 30/01/2018 22:12

They are just people who happen to be in the same place at the same time as you. Not so different from seeing the same people on a train every day.

Maybe you need something else to focus your attentions on. What do you do during the day? If you were engaged in something interesting, you might be less likely to dwell on it

SugarMilk · 30/01/2018 22:13

Sorry no helpful advice OP but I love a good school gate thread.

Ok one bit of advice: Let. It. go.

speakout · 30/01/2018 22:13

Don't get involved with the Alpha Mums.

There are better people to hang out with.

Original poster

Shadow1986 · 30/01/2018 22:14

Mycatisahacker**

Glad to hear it wears off!!

OP posts:

Heliophilous · 30/01/2018 22:16

OK, well then, let it pop up and tell yourself each time that it simply does not matter. My child is at the end of her primary school time. Some of the mothers I liked at the start I don't like now. Some I didn't like I do like now. Some are now real friends. Others I tolerate for the sake of harmony. Some I actively avoid. They are just people like any other!

If you have lots of friends, concentrate on them, not people you don't really know and might never know that well!

ThisLittleKitty · 30/01/2018 22:16

No one talks to me at my kids school. Can't believe people actually care about this kind of thing.

catkind · 30/01/2018 22:19

Ha, I think it takes us all back to when we were at school. Is your DC in reception? Keep saying hi to people whatever they're wearing and whether you think they look cliquey or not. Sometimes cliquey just means talking to people they already know because they don't know how to approach others either. It does get easier (or maybe you stop giving a damn)!

Allthewaves · 30/01/2018 22:21

It's took me 3dc and 5 yrs school to finally be comfortable being the me mum. I'm happy to stand by myself of might chat to one mum or another.

SleightOfMind · 30/01/2018 22:22

If someone’s making me feel weird around them it’s often because they’re acing something I feel I’m a bit shit at.

You mention what nice clothes they were all wearing, which jumped out at me as a bit odd.

Are you feeling a bit stuck in a rut style wise? If it’s something you feel you want to change about yourself then it’s easy to do without spending loads of time or cash.

Don’t slavishly copy a clique of school mums though! Find stuff that makes you happy and confident while wearing it.

Gacapa · 30/01/2018 22:30

In my experience, the more nonchalant and unaffected you appear, the more the clique becomes intrigued by you. They don't like not being noticed. Be smiley and happy and laugh with the mum's you do get on with and engage with and don't give any effort to notice the clique. And whatever you do, don't get drawn into being a limpet with anyone who is desperate to join. Those saps suck the life out of you and will kill you with boredom.

user789653241 · 30/01/2018 22:33

I think it's same for most people. It gets better as time goes by. You will know more people and feel more comfortable.

Chugalug · 30/01/2018 22:36

look. At it logically,it's not clique,it's just some mums who's kids happen to know each other,perhaps they all went to the same pre school...by standing together it gives them confidence,they are probably glad of each other as to nervous to talk to someone they don't know.safety in numbers and all that ..

HotSteppa · 30/01/2018 22:41

I hear you OP. I have struggled with the same kind of worrisome thoughts. I have had to really coach myself into letting it go (as I have had to do at other times when my thoughts are running away with me)

Give yourself a break. I'm sure your lovely. Try not to over think. I had to tell myself all anyone could reasonably expect of me is to be friendly, I don't need to be well dressed or a laugh a minute. People that would judge you harshly for this stuff aren't nice and don't give them any mind. As it stands give these other mum's some credit I highly doubt they are thinking badly of you. Probably too busy with their own head full of worries concerns and general wierdness just like everyone else.

Beamur · 30/01/2018 22:42

Is this your first time at the school gate?
As someone upthread said, even friends you might make now can change over the next few years.
The 'clique' may be less cliquey than it appears, they may just know each other from other activities, like nursery/swimming/dance etc and gravitate towards familiar faces.
They almost certainly aren't deliberately excluding you or judging your clothes.
If you want to get to know some other Mums, join the PTA or invite your child's friends round to play, you'll probably find parents willing to be friendly.

ButteredScone · 30/01/2018 22:45

You are so human. This sounds normal. The other mums are probably thinking the same.

I think it will wear off. But, what is it you want? Nice clothes or to be friends with the mums? You can do either if you want to. Can you be bothered?

JaniceBattersby · 30/01/2018 22:48

I have three friends at the school gate. We get along great. I guess to others we may look like a clique but we’re just a normal group,of friends. We talk to other parents too if they’re around and if another mum came up to say hi we’d be welcoming. Just go and say hi if you want to be friendly with them. If not, find another mum who’s on her own and form your own clique?

TonTonMacoute · 30/01/2018 22:51

As others have said, been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

It really does work itself out, just hang in there

MiddleEnglishStaken · 30/01/2018 22:52

OP you have my sympathy. How is your dc getting on? My cousin has a proper mean girl old bat clique at her ds's school. I sometimes help with her school run and the bitchy gossiping coming from that group of women is hilariously entertaining to an outsider who has no children at the school. They behave like spoilt brats. All v middle class and aspirational wannabe posh but not quite pulling that one off, cold shouldering anyone whose face, age, household income, dialect, husband, pet, home doesn't fit. In one word: pathetically pretentious. They act as if their little daaaahlings are more important than any of the other children. One or two ladies in that group seem ok but there is a highly dysfunctional dynamic due to a handful of strong and unpleasant vicious characters and this has poisoned the atmosphere. Lots of backstabbing too and the whole "we're such great friends" is nothing more than elaborate fakery. I have only ds who is 10 months and am dreading being around people like this every day. Might have to get a nanny to do the school run lol.

Ihatepompoussoccermums · 30/01/2018 22:54

I hate the school run, in my opinion it is very cliche. My daughters year is fine only a few mums sort of stay together other wise they all mix, I keep to myself always headphones in playing on my phone until my daughter comes out. It’s the other parents that do my nut in. The ones with the pushchairs that don’t have any common sense. Just stop in front of the gate on the top of the 4 large stairs we have and decide it’s time for a Mother’s meeting. Literally pisses me off every time. I don’t care what they think of me. I don’t have to worry about my sons school anymore as he meets me halfway.

Redwineistasty · 30/01/2018 22:54

I find this issue so weird!... Surely you don’t get these same feelings when you’re in the dr waiting room, or anywhere else where you just happen to be in the same place at the same time for 10mins.

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