Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel inferior to other school mums

51 replies

Shadow1986 · 30/01/2018 22:06

I know I am being so pathetic here 🙈

My school seem to have a bit of a school mum clique, a clique that I’m not in - and I wouldn’t really want to be, but why oh why do I find myself thinking, hours later, about the god damn school run. And who spoke to me and who didn’t, and what nice clothes they were all wearing etc!

Part of me doesn’t give a damn and the other part keeps bringing into my thoughts again!

I do have some nice school mum friends, and lots of friends outside, but how do I man up and not let the others affect me so much! I don’t know why they are having this weird affect on me. I feel like I’m the one starting school not my child! 😂

OP posts:
neveradullmoment99 · 30/01/2018 22:55

I am not part of the clique at the school my kids are at. I don't care. I like my own company. I am not really interested in being part of the 'club.' If someone talks to me, I am civil and chat back but that's it. Just get on with your life :)

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/01/2018 22:56

Dd is toward the end of primary school. The clique also really upset me at first. I was bullied at school. I find the Queen Bee type and entourage intimidating. Especially as there was some parental on other child bullying. As in a parent forbidding their kid from playing with a certain child. Said child was very angry and fisty cuffs at the time due to dv at home and acrimonious split.

As a pp said, the started off with certain friends, and this changed over time. The best thing I did was find a dog walking with a group of mums from dds year. That way I stay outside the gates. I know that’s not possible when you have little ones.

sunshinestorm · 30/01/2018 22:57

I time leaving the house so that I get into the playground one minute before the bell goes so i can just drop and dash. The social anxiety is just too much for some reason with the school run! And my DS school isn't particularly cliquey or anything, I just worry too much about social interactions and how I come across.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/01/2018 22:59

Redwine
That’s not the same. It’s the psychology of being in a playground. It doesn’t just take op back to childhood and School dynamics, it does it with everyone people there. So all of the childhood issues resurface and become polarised and people tend to revert to childhood patterns.

paxillin · 30/01/2018 23:01

There are no superiors and inferiors on the school run. Everybody has at least one child there, which is why they are there. They are all equal.

Chances are, the clique isn't a clique at all, just people who have known each other for a while. Do you worry about the clique at the local supermarket? Or the clique in the boozer at the corner? Same sort of thing.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 30/01/2018 23:01

OK, well then, let it pop up and tell yourself each time that it simply does not matter. My child is at the end of her primary school time. Some of the mothers I liked at the start I don't like now. Some I didn't like I do like now. Some are now real friends. Others I tolerate for the sake of harmony. Some I actively avoid. They are just people like any other!

This is good advice. Also, remember that people who you think are in a clique because they're not talking to you, may just be talking to the people they already know. When my DD was in Year 1, I was super friendly to everyone, now she's older, I just talk to the people I know

applesareredandgreen · 30/01/2018 23:02

Has your DC just started school? Do you have younger DC? Do you work? Do you have other friends? You seem a little over invested in the other school mums so I was wondering what may be behind it. Has your DC got friends at school? Often a way in to making friends at the school gate is with the mums of your DCs friends on play dates.

lina38 · 30/01/2018 23:21

My daughter has a phone and part of the condition of that is that I check it on a regular basis to make sure she is being safe. Fine- no issues there.

She has always struggled with friendships and has been verbally bullied on and off through most of her schooling.

What has struck me, is that upon reading her messages between 'friends' - she doesn't seem to have any social etiquette. Her messages sound needy, blunt and more of the mental age of a 6yr old.

The girls and boys clearly pick up on this and are very dismissive of her. From the messages, I can't work out if my dd is actually aware of this. It's so heartbreaking to see.

For context, my dd has had a turbulent few years after she witnessed her dad threatening to kill me. He was very emotionally abusive and as a result on that day, I fled with the kids and left my ex.

She has slowly built up a better relationship with her dad. But it is far from ideal. I've done as much as I could to help her come to terms with past events and she had a short period of counselling at my request.

She now suffers from anxiety. I'm sure this is what has hindered her ability to make and keep friends.

My only hope is that when she embarks on her new life in secondary school, that she has a fresh start to form friendships. But, tbh - if I don't find ways to help her, the same problems are going to be there aren't they?

What can I do to help her? Do I mention the way she comes across to her 'friends' or will I make her feel worse?

I'm literally close to tears as she's had a really tough few years and all she wants is approval from others and to have friends.

I always try and boost her confidence. But I think I'm tackling it all wrong?

Please please can someone offer me some advice.

Thank you

Original poster
Shadow1986 · 30/01/2018 23:45

I agree I think I am probably a little over invested, with too much time on my hands to worry things over - I don’t work and have a younger DC. I have plenty friends of so definitely not desperate for friends. And I never stand alone.
I think I also am probably stuck in a bit of a style rut since having DC so yes a PP had a very good point there!
Maybe I need to spend a bit of time making myself feel better about me and then I may not be feeling so inferior to others.

OP posts:
Heliophilous · 30/01/2018 23:46

Lina, I think you should start your own thread. But I didn't want to leave you unanswered. How old is your DD?

swampster · 30/01/2018 23:48

Just watch Motherland. Let it be your guide.

tillytrotter1 · 30/01/2018 23:52

These kind of threads always surprise me, as a Gran I sometimes collect the children and I'm amazed at the collection of scruff bags, it should be illegal to put some derrieres in leggings. This is in a nice-ish part of Norfolk, maybe it's more prevalent in a metropolitan area. Motherland had me rolling around on the floor, not easy at very nearly 70!

Redwineistasty · 31/01/2018 09:58

mummy I genuinely don’t get that feeling when I walk in to the school. I’m there to drop my kids off. Not socialise. I do have a few friends who are parents in the school, but they all go in different doors, so I don’t often get the chance to chat to them.
But I just treat all the parents like i would when walking past people in the local woods/hillside.... say hello, smile. That’s it really.
I can’t understand where people see these cliques happening.

Redwineistasty · 31/01/2018 10:01

tilly taking your children to school is not a professional role. If the saggy arse wants to wear leggings, who are we to judge?

Bluntness100 · 31/01/2018 10:09

I think thats a good plan. Focus on whatever is making you feel inferior. It sounds like you're envious of these women and how they dress and comparing them to yourself.. Possibly because you're not happy with how you dress. So maybe focus on that.

It doesn't sound like they've don't anything wrong other than be there. So understanding you have an insecurity and fixing it would be the answer. If you feel better about yourself, others will bother you less.

I'd say don't give a shit, but I don't think that would be an easy fix for you. 💐

SwarmOfCats · 31/01/2018 10:28

I felt like this briefly when my first child started school (very naice middle class area, I worried that I wouldn’t fit in and would be judged). Quickly realised that most of these women weren’t the sort of people I’d usually be friends with, I only had to see them twice a day, and if they judged me at all (I have a somewhat alternative style, no boden in sight) it was more a reflection on them than it was on me. I ended up making friends with some mums who I actually got on with properly, though...it just took time! And, for what it’s worth, some of the parents who were part of what looked like a clique turned out to be very nice and not judgmental at all.

You don’t need to change anything about yourself, you don’t need to try to be like other mums at the school gate. You only have to be polite, smile and say hi, then walk away and not deal with them again for a few hours.

CrazyExIngenue · 31/01/2018 10:35

YANBU. I feel inferior every time I do the school run (which is why the DC's catch a bus now), I'm the chubby mom in a haphazard suit with wet hair and a coffee in hand pushing her kids through the playground at top speed because I have a meeting I need to get to and I'll be cutting it super close. All of the other mom's are in workout gear, perfectly slim, with perfect blonde hair and makeup done just right, strolling and chatting with each other and talking about whose going to be the "class Mum" that week. Makes me feel like poo.

shebagthehag · 31/01/2018 10:40

I am part of a school mum clique

At first I thought this is great, I have new friends, we all socialise with and without the kids, they're a nice group of women who I feel are friends, we all help each other out if anyone is late etc

However 5 years later and I've realised that it's not all as it seems

A couple of them have turned into really competitive bitchy types and I can't even be myself anymore for fear of being on the receiving end of their nastiness.

I still socialise with the group because for most part they are a good laugh and most of the group are genuinely lovely but I'm becoming increasingly distant as I do not want to participate in their bitchfests.

It's not always a good thing being part of a clique!

MiddleEnglishStaken · 31/01/2018 12:25

All of the other mom's are in workout gear, perfectly slim, with perfect blonde hair and makeup done just right, strolling and chatting with each other and talking about whose going to be the "class Mum" that week. Makes me feel like poo.
Grin I don't care much for the workout gear currently à la mode. You sound like the kinda mum I'd feel comfortable going for a drink or brew with Brew.

The vanity of some of the mums at my sis's school is staggering. I like clothes and looking reasonably groomed but they take it to a different level. Dsis told me they meet up for Botox sessions as a mummy group for the group discount and do an awful lot of activities with or without children and husbands including spa trips and holidays. It's fascinating. And would be lovely if it weren't for some of the big egos and drama lamas. I suspect latent narcissism in some of these mums. The majority of the women are nice enough one-on-one tbfair but buzzing around Queen Bees for fear of being ostracised. I know for a fact that one of these mums has intentionally ostracised a couple of parents and their dc because she holds some sort of obsessive grudge and is an aggressive person. Scary lady.

Tainbri · 31/01/2018 12:37

I hate the school run! I sit in the car. Tried to socialise once and swapped telephone numbers with a parent. Next thing my DS fallen out with theirs and they take it upon themselves to phone and give me an earful. I said to speak to school if she had an issue about it but felt totally intimidated and then she bad mouthed both me and DS to other parents. I am absolutely dreading parents evening next week to the point of wanting to be physically sick in case I'm lynched! The school has no issue with DS as far as I'm aware.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/01/2018 12:39

I hear you op, I feel the same, good thing is on pick up, I come in at the last moment, collect ds, and have to rush to meet dd special school bus, which comes at 3:10pm. There are plenty of people outside the clique, who are lovely, I usually chat to them if I am early.

CrazyExIngenue · 01/02/2018 05:14

I don't care much for the workout gear currently à la mode. You sound like the kinda mum I'd feel comfortable going for a drink or brew with brew

LOL! I don't get he workout gear at all. I mean, are they going straight to the gym and then heading home in sweaty workout gear? Or are they just wearing it for fun? When I go to the gym I bring my workout gear in a bag and change, because who wants to walk around all stinky and sweaty or get in your car all stinky and sweaty?

Also, the general public does not need to see my muffin top.

minimammy · 04/02/2018 12:15

School yard cliques are difficult no matter where you are. I suppose being in a large group of people makes you feel like you're at school and the need you had to fit in. It's probably a survival thing, looking to stay with the pack. It's damn hard though. Social media had a bit to answer for as well.
You're doing great. Find your people. X

Chazroo · 08/10/2018 09:33

I completely get you. Consider all the comments and don’t let anyone intimade or get the worst out of you. Just keep your cool and make it look unnoticeable. Some parents can be worse than kid bullies but the difference is we do not have to be around them. All my mummy friends are lovely, and the ones you have mentioned i don’t give them the pleasure they seek.

I’m sure you’re used to it now :)

Moocoo · 08/10/2018 09:37

I don't get this at all. admittedly we are at a small village school but there's no cliques that I've noticed. Just people dropping off kids and getting on with their day. I can't believe you give it so much headspace tbh.