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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want minimum noise when my baby sleeps

55 replies

NutCase82 · 30/01/2018 21:56

Am I making a rod for my own back as her Dad claims? And are we not going to be able to take her anywhere?

I'm talking about things like avoidable noisy door closing, clattering of cutlery or crockery, tv being on loud (I can easily hear most things on 29 but her dad has it on 42 which is nearly unbearable for me).

Baby is 5 months and I do 100% of childcare (he has fed her about twice this year, changed her about twice and never put any money towards a single item for her ever), so he is thoroughly unaffected if she wakes at any point. During night feeds if her dad is up (due to being out late) then he will talk loudly and unnecessarily, to the point our daughter (who normally never opens her eyes during night feed) stopped feeding to glare at him.

I believe he does it on purpose as I've repeatedly asked him to quieten down please, but he always says the above statements.

Is he right? I just don't want to make her suffer unnecessarily, and it's me who will face the consequences of her being woken up.

OP posts:
Original poster
NutCase82 · 31/01/2018 08:07

The funny thing is, if I make any noise of a morning if he's still in bed eg. Brushing my teeth (?!) or padding as quietly as possible to the toilet I get told off for making a noise of a herd of elephants etc! So he clearly wants absolute silence while he lies in!
The op probably reads like we're not together because mentally I'm checked out.
Also, maybe the term 'lost the novelty' is not quite right but it's the best fit I can think of.

OP posts:
BluePheasant · 31/01/2018 08:08

You don’t need total silence but it’s hardly unreasonable to talk with a lowered voice and not have the tv too loud when it’s late at night.

More importantly, you need to ditch OH, he sounds like an absolute dick.

Ski4130 · 31/01/2018 08:14

We were probably fairly quiet with Ds1 but he had reflux and generally never slept, so if he was asleep we protected that sleep like demons. That being said, I still hoovered and made everyday noise (emptying dishwasher, making dinner, talking etc) By the time Ds2 and Dd came along it was loud chaos in our house, and they can sleep through anything now.

I'm not sure the noise level is the issue here though op, reading between the lines your OH doesn't sound massively supportive or involved with your baby.

zippey · 31/01/2018 08:16

You’re making a rod for your back by being with this man. He is the rod who will make your life harder.

humblesims · 31/01/2018 08:26

maybe that's me being one of 'those' mothers
nope. You've had a baby with a waste of space for a father. I would not waste time, I'd be out of there and getting on with raising your child. From what you've written you both sound young but you sound like you are doing the right thing regards quiet time and normal noises time. He is an arse obviously so you can have my first LTB. Flowers

Gilead · 31/01/2018 08:26

You parent in the best way possible for your child. All of mine (adults now) had loud rock music to put up with. They slept. A friends wouldn't sleep unless it was quiet. They're all different. But, as everyone has pointed out, you need shot of the bigger more demanding baby of the house...

Creatureofthenight · 31/01/2018 08:35

It depends - my baby will sleep through a lot of noise once she’s out, it when in a light sleep will waken at sudden noise, so if the TV is on that’s ok but if someone slams a door she will wake. At night we are more quiet.
As everyone else has said the bigger issue is that your baby’s dad is a waste of space. If you weren’t together he’d have to pay towards her keep and if he wanted contact would find himself doing a lot more hands on parenting.

Karigan1 · 31/01/2018 08:39

I’ve seen mine sleep on a table during a party with loud music.

I think it helps them get used to sleeping with normal sounds if you just carry on as usual. Otherwise I think it does make a rod for your own back later.

SusanBunch · 31/01/2018 08:45

Yeah, step one would be to get rid of him. You don't refer to him as your DP, simply your baby's dad, which says everything about your relationship. If you separate, he can then choose to step up and be involved and do a fair share of the work.

Isetan · 31/01/2018 08:50

I’m guessing your biological clock was the reason for having a child with this man.

DarkPeakScouter · 31/01/2018 08:54

Wow what an arsehole he is - get rid!

jacks11 · 31/01/2018 08:54

I think you have bigger issues than the noise TBH. Your child's father sounds like he needs to be doing more- I'm not clear if you are still together or separated. At the very, very least he needs to be financially supporting his child.

Re the noise: well there is a half way house. Complete silence/minimal noise is not necessary. Children do need to learn to sleep with some noise or it will make your life difficult. Having the TV unnecessarily loud or slamming doors does not come into that category. It would be annoying for anyone and the baby sleeping just compounds it. Does he have hearing problems which is why he has the TV so loud?

GColdtimer · 31/01/2018 09:06

My DH is a guitar teacher so my children have got used to sleeping with background noise (especially the bloody bass playing teenager who comes at 9pm) but there were times when they were more noise sensitive - like during a night feed.

Anyway, as others have said, he is an arse and is contributing nothing. You said "I knew he could be an arse but since having my baby all of our issues have been amplified to me." Yes, having children will do that.

minisoksmakehardwork · 31/01/2018 09:16

Since you do hoover, washing etc while baby sleeps, you aren't asking for the moon on a stick. Unnecessary noise is the talking etc unless soothing baby when they wake. I used to hum nursery rhymes to mine for a middle of the night feed or nanotubes change. But I wouldn't be doing the whole 'coochy-coo' playing with baby type conversation.

You are asking the wrong question as imo you're seeking validation that your dp is being a dick. IMO he is.

JoeyMaynardssolidlump · 31/01/2018 09:19

Kick out the baby! The big useless one

taskmaster · 31/01/2018 09:22

maybe that's me being one of 'those' mothers

You're one of those mothers who had a baby with a useless man they barely knew. So why not forget about whether hoovering while baby sleeps is a good idea, and sort out the mess you've made on that front. The rest will fall into place.

QueenofmyPrinces · 31/01/2018 09:23

....and never put any money towards a single item for her ever.....

As soon as I read this I could tell exactly what kind of relationship you’re in, what kind of man he is and what kind of father he is....

Him making noise is the least of your problems.

Just leave him - he sounds like a total shit.

ParadiseCity · 31/01/2018 09:27

Another saying leave him. He is not a nice person. That's not your fault. He will never change so don't waste your life trying. Flowers

Yika · 31/01/2018 09:30

We lived in a noisy flat when my DD was a baby. I thought she would get used to it but she never did; she needs quiet to sleep. Light on the other had doesn't bother her. I think each child is different.

MonumentalAlabaster · 31/01/2018 09:47

I think he's an idiot to talk loudly during night feeds when the idea is to feed the baby as quietly & efficiently as possible and get her back to sleep. During day time naps you seem to have the right approach, trying to get her accustomed to the usual household noises.

But as others have said, it sounds as if this is only one small aspect of a much bigger problem - that he is generally unsupportive and uncommitted to his family. I'm sorry OP.

Original poster
NutCase82 · 31/01/2018 12:37

😂 to some of the responses!

Yes my biological clock was deafening.

He's Jekyll and Hyde so though I knew he could be an arse, he also has his good side. However, now his bad side affects our baby I find it almost impossible to live with - I could handle it to a certain point but I'm outraged when it affects her.

No question I need to get her out of this situation but the odd comment he makes does make me wonder if I'm doing the 'right' thing for her but I guess that's just a way he manipulates me, judging by the comments made.

Thank you xx

OP posts:
Original poster
NutCase82 · 31/01/2018 12:39

Oh and also yes I think his hearing isn't that good due to rising a motorbike (but my brushing my teeth can wake him???!)

OP posts:
TheLegendOfBeans · 31/01/2018 12:42

Just to add to the chorus of derision it seems to me you have two children to deal with here, not one.

mummymeister · 31/01/2018 12:46

Sometimes Op when we are facing a massive pile of shit, its easy to focus on the speck of dust on the carpet because it can be dealt with quickly. you need to look up and see what is going on in your relationship. stop trying to rationalise his behaviour because you cant and you wont. he has checked out - of you, the baby the lot. he may be staying for convenience and waiting until a better offer comes along. You need to stop saying "why is he like this, why does he do this, why doesn't he do that" and recognise that he isn't going to ever be what you want him to be. before things get even more complicated, move out with the baby and get onto the CSA to make him contribute to his child.

TheLegendOfBeans · 31/01/2018 12:48

[stands up and applauds @mummymeister]

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