I have tried and failed all my dreams. What to do now?

[NoExitFromHere]

Tried academic stuff, failed. Tried variations of dream career for several years, it's all been a complete disaster. Did other jobs to have some money coming in, they've not worked out either. No confidence left.

It's got to a stage where the idea of going to work makes me feel incredibly anxious. I always fail, it's always awful.

I'm pretty good at getting interviews and getting jobs. Then things go wrong. I feel like I'm doing ok and then suddenly the employer isn't happy. The first couple of 'chats' about how bad I am I can suck up, but by the third chat I end up having huge panic attacks and leaving because I jump before I'm pushed.

It's a toxic unhealthy dynamic and I am at my wit's end.

I do have a wonderful partner and we may have a family someday but I can't have children myself so I can't concentrate on ttc and children for now. If we do it will be adoption etc in time. I wanted to have a steady job before applying to adopt. I wanted to experience that for myself, even if at some point II had to become a sahm for a while if my children needed it.

Numb and all I can do is sit making cups of tea. Don't know what to do.

I don't know if I'm incredibly thick and have lacked insight to realise how stupid I am, or if something else is the matter. But what though?

What can help me? I want a good career, want to be successful.

Before someone points it out, I know being a deadbeat on paper will go against our chance of adopting. It's one of the reasons I'm so unhappy about it all.

Can you teach people how to do well in interviews and maybe exams? I'm not being facetious. I took classes years ago and have found interviews much less stressful since then.

Also, would you consider going for cbt? If you have identified a consistent pattern, its worth exploring.

Cbt is a good idea, thank you. As far as I know I can even self refer for that in my area as my friend, did so that's something I can take action on straightaway.

I don't think anyone would pay me for interview coaching! Haha, if only!

What are the "chats" actually about?
What have they identified as problem areas?
What kinds of jobs were they?
What did you enjoy about them?
Have you been fired repeatedly or panicked and quit?

We need a lot more information to give careers advice

But you do sound depressed or anxious so a trip to the GP would be a good start

I'm sorry you're feeling so rotten but it is fixable.

Can you identify the common threads in why you haven't been able to succeed in previous jobs? Is it something to do with you - you procrastinate, or you don't ask for help, or you're rubbish with Excel? Or is it something to do with your dream industry - a boys club, or one in which there's no training, or one which attracts a high percentage of terrible managers? Or is it something to do with the specific workplace environments - would you actually be better working at home, in a more (or less) structured way, spending less (or more) time with colleagues/clients/the public/your own desk? I think you need to work out what the actual problem is - and it's not going to just be "you" in general - before you can fix it.

Lots of companies have unachievable kpi's maybe it isn't you?

This happened to me 6 times, totally feel you on jumping before you were pushed etc. I felt like a car crash!

I got diagnosed with autism aged 24 and with support have been in my current dream job for 2 years and even got a bonus this year.

May be worth looking into whether you have any underlying issues (social anxiety maybe?).

Can you try to make a list of what you were pulled up for each time? If you can identify your weaknesses you may then be able to identify your strengths and find a different line of work that you are better at.

What sort of things are the 'chats' about? Is it the same sort of thing for every job?

I don't think your inability to create a career for yourself reflects badly on you. Careers are not for everyone. At the end of the day it's just work, a means to live, it's not who you are (although society can suggest otherwise which could maybe part of the problem? The feeling of being a nobody if you can't say "hi, I'm a lawyer/tree surgeon/nursery worker etc).

I can't juggle multiple tasks at once, which is pretty much a basic requirement for any job. It doesn't matter how many lists I make.
I can only focus on one thing at a time. If a manager then asks me to do something else suddenly it disorientates me and I end up missing something.

There's probably more to it but can't work out where else I'm going wrong? It just seems to be something wrong in me?

I compare myself all the time to my co workers and can't see what the matter is.

The line they take tends to be "we like you and you're a lovely person, but you're not right for the position".

There seems to be a chunk of info "missing" from your post, OP - you seem self aware enough to identify the pattern, but you sound oddly passive about what might be behind it.

You say "things go wrong" and "suddenly" the employer isn't happy. You are given feedback by your employer but your response to that is to "suck it up" rather than address the issue. Then you panic and resign.

So basically, it seems like there are two possible explanations:

1. You are misconstruing the normal amount of feedback that an employer gives during the training phase of a new job, and panicking that it means you aren't good enough. You resign unnecessarily, leaving your employer baffled as to what went wrong.

2. You have some persistent habits which you bring from job to job which you need to address. To have an idea of what these are, ask yourself if there is a common thread to the feedback each employer gives you - do they mention timekeeping, focus, accuracy, etc?

It’s difficult to tell from your post if you are actually crap at your jobs, or if you just feel you are? We’re you sacked or did you take a totaly normal performance chat massively out of proportion and panic and quit?

Have there been any common themes between the different jobs that your employer has identified issues with?

Could you do anything to address these?

What did you do well in these jobs?

Can you think of a role where your strengths will be an asset?

X post

Ok so can you work on strategies to cope with multiple tasks? Lists clearly aren’t working but there must be other helpful strategies out there.

These questions are all really helpful, thank you.

I'm definitely MUCH better when left alone with peace and quiet, to just get on with it. That's when I can produce stuff of a decent quality. I can explore my ideas, do proper research, write properly and scrutinise my work.

OP "I can't juggle multiple tasks at once, which is pretty much a basic requirement for any job"

I hear you. I'm increasingly losing my ability to multi task and you know why? Because after years of work like this, my brain is packing up.

Obviously I'm going to say to try to look for work that suits you better but I know how hard it is.

Btw why assume you won't be okay to adopt?

OK, so is your dream job something you could freelance at? It sounds like you are suited to that more than the office environment.

Freelancing is tough, though - I did it for a few years and you need to be very organised and self-disciplined to avoid just messing about, wasting time and panicking at deadlines. Do you think you could manage being self-employed?

Ok, I will try to give some examples...

Sales job I was trying to do to bring in some money. Manager very happy with my interview, said I was great in how I come across, engaging with people and building rapport. I was enjoying it.

Part of the job involved using software I was not familiar with. Clicking between screen in what seemed to me a completely baffling order, inputting data into certain fields in a precise way or it didn't work. They got concerned with me as I wasn't picking it up. I tried to pull my socks up and improve, go quicker. A few days later, manager wanted a word again - I still wasn't satisfactory, and now they were noticing I had lost the rapport building technique on the phone. My voice wasn't friendly enough now. They were really irritated with me. By this stage I was on edge, and self conscious about how I was speaking. When they brought it up again a few days later that there was no improvement - I left.

I couldn't manage the computer system at the same time as putting energy into the phone call.

Struggling to jump between tasks and focus when there are interruptions are definitely features of my autism, as is struggling to process criticism, as is much preferring peace and quiet!

Maybe worth looking into adult women with autism. I don’t want to offer an armchair diagnosis but everything you say really resonates with me and for me the answer was autism...

There was a VERY similar thread on here recently and it turned out the OP had ADHD. Your posts resonate similarly. Have you considered this?

You need to work on the moment when you get 'disoriented' by more than one thing happening at once. It honestly could be something as simple as taking 15 seconds out to watch a very short mindfulness video, then capturing what needs to be done before you forget something.

I am no expert at all, but is sounds as though there may be something non-neurotypical happening here. Have you ever been to the GP and asked about this in a health context?

Crosspost with user!

It sounds like you may be better suited to being self employed. Could start your own business maybe?

How old are you?
I tried and failed at lots of things. I'm still trying (and sometimes still failing) at others.
Einstein (a man who failed a lot) said, success is failure in progress.
You've tried something. It didn't work out. It doesn't mean it will never work out again. Maybe that particular job wasn't right for you. Or the job was right but you had other issues going on at the time - health/family/mental health, whatever.
A friend of mine is going through a divorce. It has put her degree on hold. She is super capable, just not in the right place at this particular moment in time.
Give yourself a break.
Sit down. Take a deep breath.
Start by deciding what you like doing.
Write down everything you're good at - big and small. I mean everything.
Do you make the best cup of tea. Do your friends ask you to organise trips because you get the best deals or know all the train times.
Then look at where your strengths are - that's your strengths, not your weaknesses. Some people, and I suspect you are one of them, can identify their weaknesses from a hundred yards with one eye closed, but couldn't identify their strengths if they looked all day with a magnifying glass. You don't have to show it to anyone, so don't be shy, big yourself up.
Next, write a list of goals. Big ones, small ones, ridiculously optimistic ones.
Put your goal list and your strengths list side by side.
Where do you see the overlap?
Go on the careers website. I live in Wales but I often tell my mentees to look at the English website. they have a huge list of potential careers with job descriptions.
go through the list. Click on anything you fancy. Read the job descriptions - are they asking for strengths that you have? Are they on your list of potential careers?
If so, find out more info. Narrow it down. Find companies in that field. Contact them. Ask to do a work placement - for free if necessary, Get some experience. It will give you confidence.
Also, nothing to do with career guidance, is it possible that you are depressed? You sound incredibly hard on yourself. If you think that you might be, please see a doctor. Consider also joining a social group. Walking groups are brilliant and fresh air and exercise are proven to induce a positive feeling of well-being for next to no outlay. Apologies if you feel that this last bit doesn't relate to you.
Unless you are 99 and about to succumb, imminently, to a vegetative state, I would say that you definitely have not left it too late.

Of course, that should read failure is success in progress.
this post being a prime example!

You know, I had this problem. I'm two weeks into a new job but I'm worried it won't last. My solution was to start my own business. Not for everyone but nobody could sack me except me!
I found that it wasn't that I am lacking in ability nor effort, but I'm a natural victim and after 6 months the bullies got me, the last 3 jobs the bullies happened to be management.