I have tried and failed all my dreams. What to do now?

[NoExitFromHere]

Tried academic stuff, failed. Tried variations of dream career for several years, it's all been a complete disaster. Did other jobs to have some money coming in, they've not worked out either. No confidence left.

It's got to a stage where the idea of going to work makes me feel incredibly anxious. I always fail, it's always awful.

I'm pretty good at getting interviews and getting jobs. Then things go wrong. I feel like I'm doing ok and then suddenly the employer isn't happy. The first couple of 'chats' about how bad I am I can suck up, but by the third chat I end up having huge panic attacks and leaving because I jump before I'm pushed.

It's a toxic unhealthy dynamic and I am at my wit's end.

I do have a wonderful partner and we may have a family someday but I can't have children myself so I can't concentrate on ttc and children for now. If we do it will be adoption etc in time. I wanted to have a steady job before applying to adopt. I wanted to experience that for myself, even if at some point II had to become a sahm for a while if my children needed it.

Numb and all I can do is sit making cups of tea. Don't know what to do.

I don't know if I'm incredibly thick and have lacked insight to realise how stupid I am, or if something else is the matter. But what though?

What can help me? I want a good career, want to be successful.

Another example, from the Dream Job category this time....

Got hired by a start up for a creative role. The entrepreneur was from abroad and a member of her family became ill, meaning she had no choice to return home for several months. We tried to talk on Skype as often as possible but the rural area of the country she was in meant we often couldn't.

I was winging it essentially, and prioritised keeping our clients happy, which they were. My boss would send me emails, for example one was researching helicopter rides for part of an immersive experience as she wanted to create a speculative event. Of course I get that she's the boss and she tells me what to do, but there were a lot of these emails about future speculative stuff, and I got really stressed about the actual work I had to do for the clients. Then there was a phone call with a verbal warning about not getting the client's work done in a timely fashion, then a written warning, then another 'chat' where she was obviously incredibly frustrated with me and I was incredibly embarrassed. So I left. I couldn't figure it out, how to prioritise and meet the expectations.

Thanks so much for replies, now I've written my examples I'm making yet another cup of tea and sitting down to go through all the advice and suggestions with a fine tooth comb

I feel less alone!

On a side note you do not have to have a stellar job to be approved to be a adopter, you have to be self aware, in a stable situation and able to give significant time to supporting a child with potential challenges.

Spending time of building self awareness and maybe CBT as suggested would seem to be a good starting point.
What do you actually want out of life? What does your ideal life look like, try and think that through in some detail.

You sound very similar to me, OP, and I have autism. I'm a SAHM with a sideline in my own little business these days, but when I worked the slightest thing could set me off. When I was doing fine I was brilliant, but the slightest hiccup would massively throw me off and it would be like one step forward, 15 steps back.

Even with my self-employment, if I end up being busier than I thought I would be it really sets me off and I feel like everything starts to implode around me.

Watching with interest.
I am similar. I do very well at interviews, and get offered nearly every job I go for. I do accounts. But they are never happy. It is a worrying repeating trend.
Luckily this job I have had for 7 years.

Your 'dream' jobs sound really stressful to me. That one with no manager and being left alone for months not knowing the hell what to do would really stress me out.

I know I'm not a good organizer at all. I get quite flustered and would overlook small details which would then jeopardize the end result.

I like jobs where I am really immersed.

I don't think failing in academia is really a failure- most people don't have a permanent job there any more, I think about 50% of contracts are temp, and there's a lot of stress and failure in the sector with people clinging on by their fingernails or finding it hard to find work.

So- there may be underlying reasons why you fail, but I also suspect some of these job areas are not actually dream jobs at all- and sales is super-stressful with a high turn over which most people don't want to do.

All of these experiences sound reasonable to me, so perhaps it's just been a run of bad luck, and perhaps also you need to do what another poster said and work out what you are good at- perhaps organizing/sales type roles are totally wrong for you, and working therapeutically with your hands would be fine (I've noticed some nurses are crap at IT for example, as you can't be good at everything!)

Your dream job example just sounds impossible! But maybe a communication thing - i.e. she might have been happier if she'd understood everything you were doing for her clients?

I am currently reading tons of stuff about ASD as my DD is being diagnosed and it's given me serious questions about myself. I live by lists - it's the only way I can manage my time (but I also have to force myself to regularly go through them or I just ignore them and get too wrapped up in the task I'm on - I've just learned this through years of stuffing up basically). I'm also socially very anxious, and can struggle to see the wood for trees (it's been a very painful process learning to identify and prioritise the important stuff as I've got more senior). I've been lucky that I've had quite a successful career - but in a very techy field where I have my own office and can get away with e.g. not wearing makeup and possibly being a bit "odd" as I'm still less odd than many of my colleagues :D. I sometimes think of myself as effectively an oddness translator - translating my very techy weird colleagues' brilliant thoughts into a version that your average business person can engage with and understand.

I would definitely look up "executive function" and "social communication" and see if anything resonates with you. Even if nothing resonates enough to get you to a diagnosis of anything, I always think self-knowledge is a good thing in itself and might help you find the right place to use your talents.

But bear in mind you can also just be unlucky. A friend of mine was miserable in an awful job, then changed and the new one turned out to be just as bad. He (and to be honest we) were all wondering a little bit if it was partly him (can you be so unlucky repeated times?) but then he found another new job and 5 years on doing very well and still loves it.

It sounds like you do have some really good skills. I'm sure you will find your niche, may just be harder to find it than for most people! And I would try not to be too hung up on the precise field. If what you enjoy is researching and chasing down a problem and solving it, there are loads of different industries where you can do that - and some of them might involve less juggling and competing calls on your time than others, and instead allow you to focus on a single task more often.

I agree with Frozen. You don't have to have an amazing career but it doesn't look great to be lurching from one job to another and not sticking at any of them for any period of time.
It might suggest that you make rash decisions about your life without being aware of how suited you are and how capable you are to adapt.

I think your confidence is on the floor so concentrate on that first. Why not apply for a few jobs that don't require specialist skills? Shop work? What about working as a teaching assistant? Just to build up your confidence, have some money coming in and you'll find your self esteem will improve if you can do well.
You could consider some voluntary work as well.

Remaining in a job whatever it is will improve your CV too.

Could you prioritise your tasks so you're not multitasking?
blog.bufferapp.com/what-multitasking-does-to-our-brains

I think you've just not found the right job for you yet...if you had ASD you'd have other areas in your life it affected rather than specific jobs.

Have you thought about seeing a careers coach? They could talk things through with you and you could discuss finding the right job for your skill set.

just going out so marking place (sorry) so I dont lose it later!

When I think about it, who is in their Dream Job? I just work to pay the bills, it's a bonus if I get on with my colleagues and enjoy parts of it
I'm always glad when it's Friday!

Why not take a less stressful job and find fulfillment in other areas of your life- friends, hobbies, relationships etc?

It's great to be ambitious but I don't think you can have such high expectations of a job or even delude yourself it's what will make you happy if you hate the stress and pressure of the roles you've tried.

In reality, most people haven't fulfilled all their dreams or ambitions. That's real life for you.

Part of the job involved using software I was not familiar with. Clicking between screen in what seemed to me a completely baffling order, inputting data into certain fields in a precise way or it didn't work. They got concerned with me as I wasn't picking it up. I tried to pull my socks up and improve, go quicker. A few days later, manager wanted a word again - I still wasn't satisfactory, and now they were noticing I had lost the rapport building technique on the phone. My voice wasn't friendly enough now. They were really irritated with me. By this stage I was on edge, and self conscious about how I was speaking. When they brought it up again a few days later that there was no improvement - I left.

That sounds like a really toxic environment. The company I work for the systems are a standing joke, there is one woman in the team that is a whizz and the rest of us are . But we're good at different things.

I think that you don't know what you are good at and the key to being happy and successful at work is working that out. I'd have been shit at that job too, but I have a reasonable career and a fairly by MN standards well paid job.

I’m someone who tends to believe I’m succeeding when everything is better than perfect and I’m incredibly hard on myself. This makes me hard to work with, I’m told.

I’ve got a job which is home based and I attend about 3 or 4 meetings a week at clients’ offices. The rest of the time I manage my workload largely to my own timetable. My boss is available by phone and email if I need guidance or advice.

I’ve experienced similar patterns of issues in other jobs which were office based working in close quarters with colleagues. I’ve worked out that I simply need my own space to function effectively And that doesn’t have to perfectly either!

As others have said you need to find out more about your strengths. You’ve focused for too long on your weaknesses.

It might help to speak with former colleagues to gain some perspective of the realities of your previous jobs too.

Not all jobs require you to multi-task.
Not all managers require you to multi task either.
Quite often people will try to accommodate your requirements (in fact they have to under anti-discrimination laws). But they can only do that if you tell them that this is a problem.
It might be that fast-paced, dynamic (as in constantly responding to new deadlines or requirements), high-pressure type jobs are not right for you.
You say that you like to organise your own work, do research, etc. Why not look at these sorts of jobs. There really are loads. Your strengths might not lie in sales, they may lie in organisation. there are plenty of great jobs at all levels on the career ladder which need these sorts of skills.

I agree with this advice on remembering strengths - I’m bad at so many things I’ve stopped counting, but I’m reliable, helpful and don’t minimise my mistakes.

Hey, very few people have gotten to being any great age without failing in a lot of things, failing is normal, that’s how we learn.

You sound a bit like me, OP. I cannot multi-task for toffee and I get very frustrated by moving goalposts.

I got my current job through a very sideways route, but it suits me. We work in a very structured and rules-oriented way, which can be a pain but also makes many things straightforward. I've had problems with bosses and authority figures before, but my command structure now is strongly hierarchical and therefore clear.

Not sure what to say so I'm placemarking.

I am not far away from opening my own business as I am so sick of this job industry I'm in. I am in corporate banking(not in the UK) and people ALWAYS say how fancy that must be. Fancy my ass. You just run around all day, deal with crazy customers AND have management that pressures you into targets. Yay me. So you end up burning out...

Admittedly, I get bored quite quickly, I learn fast.... BUT! I don't like being bossed around, I don't like micro management and I can't shut up. Perfect combo

www.ft.com/content/b4255c98-ca7a-11e5-a8ef-ea66e967dd44
Or it could be dyspraxia maybe? Ar if this article resonates with you. I've been recently diagnosed and it explains so much the difficulties I've had in the past with work (as well as the more obvious difficulties I had with driving, coordination and direction). And working in a toxic environment exacerbated the difficulties, however since diagnosis a few small adjustments have made a world of difference. Perhaps try an occupational therapist for testing , their tests will also show up if there's something like dyspraxia, adhd, or something else that may explain your difficulties?

Thank you, all.

I'm thinking more and more about what the root of the problem can be.

I never initially wanted to work in sales but that job came about as I needed to be earning. I've also tried call centre work - actually, they did sack me but I don't take that very personally as they sacked 35 people altogether a few weeks after taking us on, but they did keep the other 45 people on. I've tried receptionist and shop work and had similar issues to ones I've already mentioned.

It's not like I'm not willing to do any of these jobs and am holding out for a dream role. I try, I really do! When I'm successful in an interview and get an offer I'm always enthusiastic, and start planning out my life according to the new job going well.

Even if receptionist work isn't my dream job, when I got it I was genuinely happy because there were so many perks and the surroundings were really beautiful, and my hours were fantastic. I was desperate for a job and felt I'd landed something I'd be good at, again initially they were very happy at how I am engaging with people. Then, it went wrong in the pattern described above and suddenly I've nothing. Back to square one, yet again.

The problem is definitely with me, I know this.

Hmm I wonder if you have a tendency to be a perfectionist?

That can be a good thing but perfectionists want everything to be right and are likely to throw in the towel or mentally check out if they think they might be failing in any way. That includes being criticised or making mistakes- a perfectionist will take that very personally and confidence can nose dive catostrophically.

I'm not sure how you can change that mindset. You come across as enthusiastic and intelligent so something is stopping you performing well.

I wouldn't take the sales things so much to heart. Sales jobs require a very specific type of person and if you're not that person (I know I'm not), you really don't have a hope. It's easy to get them though, because turnover is high and they often just recruit en masse assuming most people will drop out. It's stressful and you have to be very pushy and money driven.

It does sound as though it may be worth looking into a possible dyspraxia diagnosis. But if you don't have it, that doesn't mean there is anything inherently wrong with you. It just means you have to find your niche.

Hi NoExitFromHere, can you tell us what your interests and also strengths are? Looking at these could narrow down ideas for you, and help you to focus and formulate a plan.

Maybe we can focus on what you’re good at?