My MIL rubbish

[Lilmis]

I need to vent about my MIL. She may live a 100 miles away in aussie but she's so cunning. We don't have a great relationship as she spent a lot of her time ignoring me the last time I visited, it was point blank blanking for 3 weeks out of the 4. I could discipline my children coz it made her upset that I was overriding her authority to say yes to everything. She never spoke to me unless DH made her and if I did speak in her presence, boy she was hot on my tail to dismiss my comments. I wasn't allowed to go to the local shop or cinema with DH as she made excuses for us not to go. She was super upset that DH had made plans with me to go away for one night to the point it looked like she cried. She made all our daily plans by consulting DH and my children and I even got told that I'm I shouldn't drink cola coz it's bad for me...Ffs! Eventually I just stayed to myself and spoke when I was spoken to my DH, FiL and kids to protect myself from conflict and getting the blame later on for no reason. Ended up by the end of the trip the FiL and MiL having a ago at me. DH joined in too.

I defended myself as much as I could. FIL eventually told me that last time someone treated him badly when he was a young adult (him Coming from a religious point of view) that God punished them and they died of cancer recently. The came the blackmail that if I didn't revisit them, then everyone on their side of the family would call me a bad seed. MiL was too busy shedding fake tears and telling me I have a problem with her. That I don't clean her house or help her in the house cooking, I take so long ironing and I'm so ristrictive towards my children(telling them. Not to use the I pad is a bad thing apparently and so is telling them not to eat too much junk) and my ironing takes too long and took everything I did in a civil manner and made me look bad.

I've made an effort with her after the last disaster holiday but she didn't reciprocate and blanked my msgs again for almost a year may be 2. Now she makes an effort after DH spoke to her but eh is is her effort "hi how are you and how are the kids. How's the cheeky little monster. Give them both our love" this is my reply. "hi I'm good thank you. How are you both doing?Kids are good, one at school and the other is at nursery" She won't every reply back or make any other effort for a conversation. She's pleasing my husband is the most cunning ways. She tells him she txt me, he's happy. She won't tell him she doesn't reply coz that will make.Him Unhappy.

DH said I should say hi to him mum via Skype. I told him I'm still hurt by the abuse I got from his family so I'd rather keep to text. He turned around and said I'm holding a grudge. Then came the argument. I told him I'm Still very hurt and that I put in enough effort after we came back that wasn't shown back so I don't see why he's pushing me so much when it shows that the next person isn't bothered.

The DH is going to see her for 3 weeks tomorrow. MiL called and asked for him for kids clothing size.. Like he would know(!) I told him well you keep Banging on about effort so may be she should have called me and asked me. He went on to make excuses like. It came up in convo etc etc. I'm like ok but she can call and ask me. He's to stupid to understand that point coz it shows how cunning his mother really is.

Im venting like I never have before. I always try to keep calm and make him how hurt I am and all he does defend her and tell me that he can see all sides of the story. Well if you could you could have effing seen this one coming and said mother dearest call the wife and ask her coz I'm clueless. Idiot!

Wow quite hard to read that but as we say on mn... You have to dh problem not a Mil issues first.
It's his job to meditate, manage and help the relationship between you both.
He needs to sort out his loyalty.

^ This.

Personally I would not want to have any contact with PIL. But I would not be having any contact with DH either if he allowed this to happen and joined i.

So is your dh going to Australia and taking the kids with him while you stay behind?

Kids are staying with me. Eldest has school and my little man has nursery.

Right well I think they all sound vile op. I wouldn’t have any contact with people who treated me so rudely and with such disrespect. However you have the main issue with your dh as he shouldn’t allow it either.

I would go non contact with them but I don’t know how that would be in your marriage?

Yes, you have a husband problem. One that prioritises his parents over you.

I would need a lot more information to say for sure but it certainly sounds like your DH is the place to start. If he’s not on your side you’ve either behaved really badly or you have a DH problem.

Let her ask him shit he wont know - shame on him for not knowing tbh.

let him have all the rope he needs to hang himself on what she's doing

you most def have a DH problem

i think he needs to go there, and stay there.

How involved is your husband with his children?

I can't believe he doesn't know there sizes.

Your inlaws are cunts and your DH needs to support you or ship out.

Just be glad they are so far away they sound awful! It's good that he's going on his own and you don't have to go. My in laws live in South Africa and are also very difficult to get on with, they also blank me and make zero contact with me - I don't even get so much as a txt! I won't ever be visiting them again and DH knows that he will have to go in his own in future.

Forget about them!

I never bring up his family topic, it's always him. He just doesn't understand that a person who is hurt, apologised to his parents and tried to keep in touch and still blanked, has the right to be angry. Being angry and hurt does not mean Im holding a grudge. I keep my distance to protect my marriage which has suffered a great deal coz of MIL. He just doesn't get it.

There is no need/ point for you to have text communication with her if she doesn't actually reply.
Let your husband do all the communicating and I would not be going on holiday there again or if you do insist on staying at a hotel and only visit with them.
Some mils are just nasty

But yes your dh is the biggest problem and it's hard to change
( mine was the same.)

The disaster trip would be enough for me. If DH was still in contact with them after that then we would be through, his wife should always come first.

Ok I dont subscribe to this idea that if the Pil and Dil dont get on that the DH should give up all contact with his parents.. As i said my Mil is an ignorant rude cow but she's not my mum and I dont need to see her. I just pretend she doesn't exist! I wont be having them to stay in my house ever again and Dh does know that (both his parents behaved very badly last time they came). So its up to him how he keeps contact with them now and how / when he sees them. Not my parents not my problem.

They sound awful, OP, totally unwelcoming and downright rude and for your dh not to notice or even go along with it shows that he views you as less important than his parents. You, your dh and children are supposed to be the main family unit and a team, his and your parents and other relatives are additions to this unit.

You do not have to have any contact or interaction with them if you don't want to, your dh cannot force you to. There is no rule that says when you marry you must put up with being treated abysmally by your in-laws purely because they are your husband's family. Don't make any further effort, leave everything to do with them to your husband - don't buy presents or cards, etc. Don't go and visit them again.

Advise your husband of the above as it seems he is unable to have a calm objective discussion with you about the appalling way his parents treated you and also doesn't seem to value the feelings of his wife.

I'd be tempted to tell him to not bother coming back from Australia.

He can't turn his back on them as they r old and according to religion, he must never shouting or abuse them. Im not asking him to leave them or abandon them. Pretty standard but he didn't even other telling them they were wrong in their treatment of me when PiL were busy confronting me. This is where I feel let down and hurt. He didn't once stop them and correct the situation.

He thinks it's funny to tell me that u won't bother calling him coz his mum will be around. He literally set this fire alight up inside me where I want to tell him what for. I ignore it but now I'm now I'm not going to and tell him everything. I'm don't being a nice guy. This guy refuses to buy anything nice for me in front of MIL coz she's always buying me cheap rubbish. She won't approve of my better taste and price tags.

My BiL got involved too(all the way from Germany) and told him on this disaster holidays that I want to keep DH to myself and he should be a man and stand up to me and tell me that I'm his wife but his parents are his responsibility too.

He doesn't have to turn his back on them, but you can and should.

They should never be more important to him than you are but his behaviour and lack of stopping them treat you so badly shows that they are. What kind of weak willed husband won't buy nice things for his wife because his parents disapprove?

He should know and should have told his brother that yes, you are his wife, the mother of his children and that's why YOU come first and always will.

Honestly, this relationship of yours is a recipe for disaster your husband and his family want and expect you to play second fiddle to them. You are at the very bottom of the hierarchy behind everyone including your children, they see you as just a baby producing vessel and servant and nothing more.

His father basically told you that he hopes God gives you cancer, do I have that right? And your husband didn't say, "Dad, that's not okay".

I don't know what to say to that. I think I would be gone.

Also, I'm curious which religion they think allows them to behave like this?

Agree you have a DH problem. Personally I’d be inclined to tell him to not come back.

It's not religion that's the problem. Religion teaches him not to be rude to his parents but it also says that if ur parents r wrong somewhere, then it's also your duty to tell them and correct them in a pleasent manner.

Well neither him nor his parents are acting in accordance with this religion are they?

Personally I wouldnt bother with them.