Husband helping with night wakes

[frustratedmat]

I'm going back to work very soon and DD is still waking twice in the night. If I lift her she smells me and wants BF, I'm trying to get her out of this habit before I return to work. She doesn't need the night feed, this is a new trend with her and can definitely go without. I'm trying to get her to wake once for a 6am BF and she is getting there.

I have explained this to husband and that if he lifts her she will most likely settle without needing fed. Sometimes this can take an hour of little moans and groans but if the moans turn to crying then I take her and feed her. He thinks that I'm being unfair making him get up for an hour just to take her anyway. Altho I do not take her all the time, just if she really will not settle.

Husband has now just snapped and said he can't get up as he has to work - I fully appreciate this but I'm thinking of the weeks ahead when I will be in work and I'm trying to cut this bad habit. Short term pain and all that.

He doesn't need to start work till lunch so can sleep until 11am at the minute if desired. I will be up and out at 6.30am. DD sleeps great from 6am feed onwards until about 9ish.

Aibu to ask him to help break this habit since DD associates me with feeding during the night? I'm awake too, I usually have to ask him to get up and he huffs and puffs then chooses to have a debate/argument about it whilst holding DD in the pitch black, I have told him time and time again this is not on but he doesn't listen.

I worry that if I keep feeding her then she will never break this habit and sleep longer than 5 hours. DD is 9 months old.

Eugh, what a wanker. He should definitely be helping.

Dh has always been involved with every night feed for all three kids. That said, he only got up to get them, passed them to me to feed, then I woke him back up to settle them.
I’ve never been impressed by men who pull the ‘work’ card, particularly if they can sleep
Until 11. Wtaf.

slightly my DH does the same and also changes nappy whilst I'm getting myself ready. It's great - it feels fair and I don't resent him, which is important I think. 😉

He’s an idiot. DP and I take a twin each. It’s certainly more than an hour some nights and he does not get to sleep in until 11am. He does not complain and lets me sleep in if his twin is first up for the day.

Thanks for the comments. I feel like the worst mother and wife in the world at the minute. It's bad enough listening to her cry and not comforting her without him making me feel even worse for it.

He can't cope with no sleep, he's been like this all the time we've been together. DD is our only child and I told him it was going to be a big culture shock for him when she came along. He can't help but get nasty and argue when he is tired. He can be really mean and will literally start an argument in an empty room. I could write a hundred different threads but trying to conquer night feeds at the minute!!

He can't help but get nasty and argue when he is tired
That's a lie. He doesn't need to sulk or argue, he chooses to because it gets him out of helping. Don't put up with his nonsense.

Could you tell him he can either do it now when you will take over if it goes on for more than an hour, or he can wait till you go back to work when he will have to deal with the whole thing as you will need to sleep straight through to 6:30?

Boomboom - I honestly don't think he's thought that far ahead. If he's complaining he needs to get up for work (usually around 9/10 when DD wakes) then surely I can't be expected to do it at all by his standards!!

I just don't get him, I'm at the end of my tether with him in every aspect of our relationship. He has taken selfish to a new level and it's hard to bare.

I need to explain everything to him in minute detail, which he then forgets. He doesn't think for himself and is very forgetful but I feel it's more that he doesn't really care. He doesn't forget anything about his football team or other interests. We have had a continuing argument as he keeps forgetting to put the blanket on DD in the car seat to go to the car. Ok it's not far but the car isn't heated up and he done this 3 times in the one week when it was 1 degree and there was a foot of snow on the ground. I just feel like he doesn't care and me and the baby are just a hindrance to him.

This will be unpopular but the obvious solution if for the child to into her own room and stop going to her in the night.

No one likes sleep deprivation.

He doesn't 'forget'. He 'chooses not to remember'! These are two very different things. You have a selfish husband.

Tell him he needs to go to bed earlier if he needs his sleep

My DH stayed up with me in the early weeks (every 45 mins) and sat with me while I BF my LO.
Anyway he is a year old now and was waking around 3-4 times a night, so we did the below
Night 1-3 I would just go in at 1 am to feed DH would go in any other wake up , he then naturally reduced wake ups to about 1-2 a night so the DH just went in.
Last night was the 2nd time in his life he slept through and I'm sure it's because of DH going in instead of me.
I will say though it does take me about an hour for him to feed and suckle whee it only takes DH 5 mins or so ... and if LO is crying hard (not just grumpy) I go in and feed him or just comfort him x

Bollocks. He perfectly well can. Mine got up to help with every night feed from when our dd was born until she dropped them at 9 months (when I was bf he would change her and help with settling, when I was bottle feeding he could help with feeding her). She didn’t sleep through until she was 3 and we shared the nights until then. Actually she’s 5 now and rarely wakes but if she does, 80% of the time he’s the one who goes to her (I’m pregnant, also takes me longer to fall asleep so it makes sense that way). In the early months, she was up 2-4 times a night and though I was on mat leave, he was working full time AND starting a business in his off hours, so incredibly busy. But we’re both parents and it’s our job to share the nightime parenting. The exception is if one of us has a really early morning (I used to have days when I had a 4 or 5am start) or a really big important stressful day ahead. Then that person got to sleep. He is no less capable of coping on less sleep than you and he can surely get through the day with some extra coffee like we all do.

No one likes going without sleep-it's not an excuse for being nasty in the night or any other time. Don't make excuses for him.
He has shown himself to be utterly selfish and as others have said, he is choosing what in his life is important enough to remember. He doesn't respect you enough to think anything other than 'I don't have to, she should do it'. Try asking him how he'll be dealing with things on his contact days (and nights!) if you decide youre already a single parent so might as well make it official?

Can't quite believe he's pulling the needing to work card when he can sleep til 11!

Generally I believe that if only one person is working, the other should deal with the night wakings (within reason, if the child is up every hour or two then both should be mucking in). But that's when the person working is up early. And in any event, you'll soon both be working so it should be a shared thing.

It's also generally true that a breastfed baby once older will settle more quickly/easily for the non breastfeeding parent. When DS was about 14 months we did a solid couple of weeks where I did every bedtime and night waking so that he wasn't smelling DW and stopped associating the wake ups with being fed. Your husband needs to step up and pull his weight!

In your situation I would discuss sleep training and night weaning with him, and if he agrees try to get her sleeping through before you return to work. I don't think it's fair to expect him to faff around for an hour in the night trying to get her back to sleep. Otherwise could you take it in turns, he does one night you do the next? I wish I'd night weaned earlier, mine was in the habit of waking every 3 hours for a feed (I went back to work when she was 7 months and didn't night wean until almost 2!)

Missed the bit about him sleeping in. If you drop her at nursery and he can sleep through the morning then YANBU at all!

He sounds selfish and self absorbed. This is his child too. He needs to pull his weight. As for him forgetting, that's a complete crock, he is just being an a*rehole and seeing what he can get away with ... even though he's doing this to the detriment of his own child. Pathetic.

I have to say that those saying they both get up to do nightfeeds are the exception not the rule, to me it makes no sense for both parents to be up in the night as you then have two zombie parents the next day rather than one that can be more with it having had more sleep?

In your situation however i do agree that as your dh can sleep in till 11 he should definately do what you are asking.

You do say that he has always been rubbish when he has had no sleep, even before dc, my dh was exactly the same so we found a way to manage it rather than argue over something thats not going to change. He took the late feeds and i went to bed at 9pm then i dealt with night feeds and getting up in the mornings. It worked well for us.

I think expecting someone to change just because they have had a baby is unreasonable.. i struggle if i dont eat properly ( hangry) so made sure i had quick meals ready when my dc were a handful.

YANBU at all OP. Time for DH to step up!!
I am finding this thread interesting though - I like to know what other couples do to survive the baby years. At the moment, I do DS last (he is 3mo) feed at half 8/9ish then go to bed. Then DH takes him and settles him and brings him up to bed (next to me crib) and he goes to sleep in the spare room. I deal with night waking (he is ebf) and DH gets up at 6am and has him for a couple of hours before he leaves for work while I get more sleep. Sorry for the hijack but I often wonder if we could be doing something better.

YABU. At 9 months old it's perfectly natural and normal for a breastfed baby to want to feed in the night. It's not a "bad habit" but developmentally completely normal. I am with your husband on this. Why have him hold her for an hour trying to settle her when you could feed her in ten mins and go back to sleep.

My dp isn't my kids dad, he starts work before 7am most days and doesn't get home until 6pm, yet funny enough he's still able to get up do feeds, bum changes, and even takes the kids in the evening so I can catch up on sleep if I'm the one that's been up til 3am with the kids

Pressed enter too soon, your dp is a selfish irresponsible twat of a man, and in all honesty if he'd not put a blanket on my baby in that weather he would have been out the door the second time he'd done it

Yeah, he's being selfish. I have a five month old who wakes every single hour 😴 and DH has always done fifty percent of the night wakings, despite getting up at 6am and having a full on job as a teacher.

DH is giving up his work when I return to work after mat leave to be a SAHD. I will still help with night waking when I return to work.

Men like this really piss me off. He can't do without sleep? Well he should have fucking thought about that before having a baby, or did he just assume that his skivvy wife would do everything so he could just enjoy the fun bits? He's being a selfish twat.