Husband helping with night wakes

[frustratedmat]

I'm going back to work very soon and DD is still waking twice in the night. If I lift her she smells me and wants BF, I'm trying to get her out of this habit before I return to work. She doesn't need the night feed, this is a new trend with her and can definitely go without. I'm trying to get her to wake once for a 6am BF and she is getting there.

I have explained this to husband and that if he lifts her she will most likely settle without needing fed. Sometimes this can take an hour of little moans and groans but if the moans turn to crying then I take her and feed her. He thinks that I'm being unfair making him get up for an hour just to take her anyway. Altho I do not take her all the time, just if she really will not settle.

Husband has now just snapped and said he can't get up as he has to work - I fully appreciate this but I'm thinking of the weeks ahead when I will be in work and I'm trying to cut this bad habit. Short term pain and all that.

He doesn't need to start work till lunch so can sleep until 11am at the minute if desired. I will be up and out at 6.30am. DD sleeps great from 6am feed onwards until about 9ish.

Aibu to ask him to help break this habit since DD associates me with feeding during the night? I'm awake too, I usually have to ask him to get up and he huffs and puffs then chooses to have a debate/argument about it whilst holding DD in the pitch black, I have told him time and time again this is not on but he doesn't listen.

I worry that if I keep feeding her then she will never break this habit and sleep longer than 5 hours. DD is 9 months old.

Thanks for the comments. I'm new here but I do love the blunt honesty of MN

I take on board the comments about needing bf at night. However she only feeds for a minute or 2 so it is a comfort thing. She does take a dummy and this is a habit as she dropped the night feeds a while ago. I do appreciate your comments but the opinion was for my twat of a husband. I know she will benefit from a full nights sleep and we are slowly getting there.

I am trying to wean and sleep train as one poster suggests, that's what this is all about. If I feed her every time she stirs she won't learn to self settle. Husband cuddled for 45 mins last night and she went back to her crib fine around 1am. He took issue at being asked to try again at 5am. I took her at 5.20 as I knew she wouldn't settle this time with her cry. She was fed and sleeping soundly by 5.45

Husband went to bed at 11pm which is late for him and he got up at 8.30am as we had somewhere to be this morning. DD had to get woken at 9am. When I'm back to work hubby will sleep on with DD so could have probably slept till 10am. I do feel guilty asking him to get up but also know this is better for her. She sleeps too long in the morning coz she's tired from waking

I don't like controlled crying and don't leave her to cry for any length of time. Moaning yes but not crying and being upset. Just for info

My husband helps with the night feeds, but we know when our DS wants a feed and when he is just restless. So if he cries before a certain time, my DH can put him down relatively easily (if I do it, DS smells me and wants feeding). If it's time for a feed, I feed him in about 15 minutes and DH settles him. I wouldn't make DH rock DS during the time he wants a feed. Not fair on either of them.

Tell him if he needs his sleep that much then he shouldn't have had a baby then!

Sorry he sounds like a selfish t**t

I have loads to say about your husband, but I think I might get banned.

Suffice it to say he puts his own wants and needs above those of his wife and baby at all times.

Why on earth would you want to be with someone like that?

Thanks for the comments.

I honestly don't know why I'm with him sometimes but it's not easy to leave. Neither of us have any where to go. It is pretty shut constantly bickering but there's no other way at the minute but to live together

I'm so fed up, he has parented for about 30 mins today. Not including the overnight wakings. He's in for a shock if he thinks I'm doing tonights nightshift. Came for an early bed at 10.30pm and she had woke up, husband was trying to shush her to sleep without lifting her but when I arrived he rolled to his side of the bed and Iv been left with her. Iv had to feed her 3 times in an hour as she won't settle and keeps attacking the boob. Then falls asleep on it and wakes up annoyed. Not her fault but I know she wouldn't expect this off him and would settle quicker.

I'm just sick if doing all the thinking for everyone and having to work it all out on my own. He wants his hand held and spoon fed what needs to happen each day. He couldn't even pack her changing bag last night off his own back.

It’s called the Mental Load. This is your life now. Have a read through the following link then break it down into small chunks for your husband. You need to make sure he understands exactly what his responsibilities are going to be.

www.google.com.au/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

Wow

That was quite an eye opener. That's exactly how things are, I didn't realise this was a thing. The post articulated it so well. I'm so tired of explaining that I'm like the manager of the house and have to tell him what to do all the time but at the same time if I tell him (nagging in his eyes) that his shoes need put away he will shout that mine have been lying for an hour - because Iv been scurrying about tidying other things that I come across. He doesn't seem to see that I don't need reminding about these things as I will always be conscious of what tidying needs done but he will happily leave his crap lying and complain when I ask him to put it away (nag!) this also applies to DD, anything he picks up of hers he dumps in her room and doesn't hang it up or put it away. He has no clue that he's supposed to and I don't know why but he thinks he's fantastic for putting It there in the first place!

We see it as it's my job to care for DD during the day, it's a 50/50 split to care for her first thing in the morning and in the night. I need my sleep to look after her as much as my husband needs it to work.

She doesn't really nap well during the day so it's not like I can catch up with sleep then.

Hope you sort it!

I’ve never been impressed by men who pull the ‘work’ card

It’s not a ‘work’ card. I was on the motorway before 7 every day when DW was on mat leave. DW was of the view that no way was I going to be doing that whilst sleep deprived so I did the weekend nights and she did during the week. She still got more hours sleep than I did!

I have to admit I never see the point of both parents being awake overnight but I get that when you are back at work it will need to change. Having said that, children (especially babies) change their sleeping and feeding habits all the time. She might stop sleeping until 9am, especially as the mornings get lighter so then he won’t get any lie in as he will need to be up with her. You both need to be prepared for that too

I don't see the point in both of us being awake either. Iv tried to do the lions share and have done the majority of night shifts. Even when it was my night off and I got to sleep on the other side of the bed he would wake me to feed her since it was easier than a bottle.... I don't bother swapping sides now and just go with it.

I can already see a difference this week and she only woke once last night at 4am but quickly settled for husband then woke at 6.30 for a feed so she's def getting there, for the time being anyway.

It's really taking its toll on him tho and the barrage of abuse I have taken today is ridiculous. We have barely spoke this week as he is so grumpy and I'm staying clear but he still got up and went in to work at 9am instead of taking the long lie. He can choose to go in later and stay later, he barely sees DD in the evening anyway as she's going to bed earlier than usual but chooses to go in early and come home early. He saw her for 10 mins before bed last night and she woke him this morning at 9 so he was up and out the door by 9.30. He doesn't seem to see a problem with this however.

I was meeting friends today for lunch, he was supposed to meet me and take DD in case she got grumpy and had to ask his boss if he could leave early but forgot so when I reminded him at the time we were due to meet he cracked up and said, I'm in fucking work if you had reminded me I'd have sorted something out..... I knew he had forgot so made arrangements for DD to come along anyway but he genuinely thinks it's my job to remind him of this stuff. I'm so fed up. Iv asked him to leave the house for a few days but he won't go, he doesn't really have anywhere to go but I need space and I also need him to realise that I'm being serious when I say I'm fed up.

Iv told him it's over several times but he just carries on as normal..... feeling really trapped and stuck

I'm sorry you are going through all this.

I do not have much advise, Just to say it gets easier with time, My Dp was not the greatest with our first. He was working and helped in the mornings and evenings but was not great, He would have to ask me things over and over, It nearly split us at 6months.

He improved greatly and was super Dad with number 2. Your first is a shock to the system, You definitely need a break, Can you make plans to take the day out when he has a day off work, just leave him to get on with it, If your there he will act the child too.

It is exhaustion making it more difficult for both of you. I hope things get better for you soon x

Make him stay on the couch until you feel better if he has no where to go. Or better leave him upstairs with some bottles and DD.

YANBU. DP was like this with our first two DC. He didn’t do one night. DC3 came along and she is a staggeringly awful sleeper. He just has to pitch in or I would be on antidepressants. He works and I am a SAHM. I wish I had encouraged it with the other two. If I am chronically sleep deprived then I am grumpy and rubbish with the kids. It only takes one night of good sleep for to me to be back on form.

I've been doing this all by myself for 14 months. Dd2 still wakes 3/4 times a night and I have been back at work for 3 months. Partner uses the work excuse as well and did with Dd1so just easier to do it myself than deal with the arguments 😔