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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think fear and discipline are related?

29 replies

AtSea1979 · 29/01/2018 22:04

DS is 12 and his obsession with screens is really pushing the boundaries. I confiscate them and he sneaks around finds them and sits on his bed bold as brass without a care for the consequences. When I was his age I would be too scared of my mums slaps to go anywhere near her things.
How can I discipline him when he’s not scared of the consequences? I feel like slapping him just to get a shock reaction from him and I want to yell at him and threaten him. How does anyone else get their older kids to behave?

OP posts:
rjay123 · 29/01/2018 22:07

Lock them in a drawer.

Change the passcodes on them?

Tipsntoes · 29/01/2018 22:09

I think it's consistency, not fear that makes the difference.

What happens when he takes them back? I'd take them to work with me and he wouldn't see them for a week, but my DC know that they wouldn't get away with it more than once so they don't do it.

Wolfiefan · 29/01/2018 22:11

Put them where he can't get them. In the locked garage etc.
He doesn't need to be scared of the consequences but he needs to think it's not worth acting up as he really wants to avoid the punishment.
Honestly if my kid constantly defied me over tech then I wouldn't have it in the house.

MaisyPops · 29/01/2018 22:12

It's consistency that matters. Decide what the sanction will be and ensure it happens every single time. So pick a sanction you can easily implement which will become annoying over time.

Greensleeves · 29/01/2018 22:13

fear isn't discipline, fear is what you fall back on when you don't have the parenting skills to discipline

If he's taking the piss over tech, remove it all, explain to him why and tell him what the requirements are for earning it back on your terms.

Cath2907 · 29/01/2018 22:13

Fear not required, just be in control. Put them where he cannot get them, dispose of them if necessary!

MissionItsPossible · 29/01/2018 22:15

YANBU (for the title, not the post).

Userplusnumbers · 29/01/2018 22:19

Do you want your child to be scared of you?

Like a PP says, put them somewhere he can't get them. Lock them in the car, leave them at work/a friends/neighbours

happy2bhomely · 29/01/2018 22:23

Fear does not work for long.

I was scared of my parents, for a while. They liked to slap us a fair bit. It worked to shock us, until the day we slapped back. They lost all control and respect. Try slapping your son when he is standing a foot over you and see how it goes!

I have a 17 yr old son and a 14 yr old daughter (plus 3 younger dc) and none of them would dare do this. I have never hit any of them. But they know that if I say something, I mean it. I set expectations and then I follow through with consequences. They are not scared of me or DH at all, but they do respect us and our home.

On the other hand, how much of an issue is the screen obsession? You need to pick your battles more and more as they get older. Some things have natural consequences (not enough sleep, not doing homework etc) and you are better off waiting for it to play out.

Focus more on keeping him safe and less on controlling him. You won't win. You will just spend years fighting.

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 29/01/2018 22:32

I’ve locked them away before and it didn’t seem to bother him, I don’t know how I expect him to react but it seemed like out of sight out of mind but maybe not if he’s ransacking the house trying to find them. It’s his phone, kindle and laptop. Some nights i’ve not realised he’s got one and he hasn’t slept. I’ve only realised he must have one because he’s fussing and crying at every little thing the next day.
Earlier I told him he was no longer allowed in my room as he keeps ransacking it. Just now I’ve come to bed to find he’s been in and got his kindle that I had hidden in my wardrobe.

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 29/01/2018 22:35

locked cash box or similar. key kept on your person.

Greensleeves · 29/01/2018 22:38

Well, if he's disrespectful enough to ransack your room to find something that has been taken away from him as a consequence, then I would remove it permanently. He doesn't need a Kindle.

He needs to understand that the boundaries are there for a reason and they are not negotiable. However much whinging and wriggling he does. I doubt very much whether hitting him would help him to that understanding. I would have a very stern talk with him, reiterate the rules around access to screens and the reasons for them, and give him one final warning: if he hunts out and reclaims something that has been taken away, then it goes in the bin.

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 29/01/2018 22:47

He got the kindle for Xmas. I can’t afford to throw away his things. Maybe that’s where I am going wrong.

OP posts:
jemjemjem50 · 29/01/2018 22:48

YANBU.

Greensleeves · 29/01/2018 22:49

You need a lockable box then. He needs to know you mean what you say. Then there's no need for shouting or slapping - just tell him what the situation is.

IsabellaDMC · 29/01/2018 22:51

You can afford to throw away his things. You can't afford to replace them which is a different thing.

Do you have somewhere you can put them so he literally cannot access them, like leaving them in work?

Wolfiefan · 29/01/2018 22:57

I can't.
You can't afford to have your child refusing to do as you say.
Take these things to a friend or relative's house. For a week. Then trial him sticking to the rules. Break them and they go for a fortnight.

Somewhereoverthere29 · 29/01/2018 22:59

Don't take the phone, hide the charger Grin

Onlyoldontheoutside · 29/01/2018 23:12

Turn right the internet off at night.My DD stopped trying to switch it on when I removed the ethernet cable.

missymayhemsmum · 29/01/2018 23:26

Give him a choice. he can obey the rules (eg 2 hrs only, no screens after 8pm, say, schoolwork first) or lose the screens. At the moment it sounds more like a battle of wits than rules and consequences. Or an addiction?

But yes, sometimes you do have to be slightly scary as a parent. Lock the screens in the boot of the car and pocket the keys. If he directly disobeys you then putting a hammer through the screen in front of him should make your point.

Greensleeves · 29/01/2018 23:29

A hammer? Jesus Hmm

mcgoogleismename · 29/01/2018 23:35

I have never been in fear of my parents, yet I was disciplined. They taught me why I had a consequence for a poor choice or action, and were consistent if and when I repeated the action. I was spanked a grand total of twice in my life most consequences were a loss of privileges.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/01/2018 23:43

I’ve only realised he must have one because he’s fussing and crying at every little thing the next day.

At 12 he is starting to be old enough to control his own actions because he should be starting to understand natural consequences. Have you spoken properly to him about why you limit screens? Spoken to him about his lack of self control and behaviour when he has unlimited screens and worked out WITH HIM what the limits should be and what the consequences should be. Strategies for him to control himself?

Read How to talk so kids will listen...

BackforGood · 29/01/2018 23:46

Agree with everyone else - it is about consistency and him knowing that you follow through with what you say, and that if he somehow found his way round that - in this case by stealing it back again - then the consequence would be so dramatic, he wouldn't want that. So, in this case I would get rid of it. At the very least, I'd take it to a trusted freidn or relative and ask them to keep it for 3 months or whatever so he couldn't access it / didn't know where it was.
It is about him being confident that the consequence of his actions are not worth him doing the actions in the first place.

Biglettuce · 29/01/2018 23:49

Discipline is meaning what you say and being consistent.

It’s not because it’s backed up with violence!

Of course, no child can be forced to do anything, but we are social creatures, and our children in general, don’t like our disapproval. We don’t need to shout! We have some power to take away privileges, like phones for set times etc, but not to make them scared! That’s not on, ever.