to take issue with DH asking me to rephrase my question?

[Robyrollover]

I said “DH, do you want to take miniroby to Brownies?”

He said “do you mean ‘do I want to do you a favour’?”

As background: I work from home on a Monday, DH has been at work all day (he does a manual job). I’ve done packed lunches, got the kids off to school, worked, 3 loads of washing, cleaned the kitchen and cooked dinner. Why would he be doing me a favour by taking our child to their activity? Or AIBU?

when I say things like that to my teenagers I get me with 'not really but I will..."

Were you offering an opportunity, or asking him to take her?

I obviously don't know you but the question could mean

• would you like to take miniroby to Brownies (it's something that he might like to do because he's never done it)

Or

• please take miniroby to Brownies (by asking him a question it sounds like he has a choice but it's really a statement)

Weird that he doesn't think that the "favour" is for miniroby

If you ask a question you have to be prepared to accept the answer. Given that you said "do you want" rather than "please could you" it gave him a choice to which he could have said no.

However, his response was equally naff unless you were really asking him to do it rather than offer a choice.

I wouldn’t have minded if he had said no - I’ve taken issue that he seems to think he would have been doing me a favour by taking her. He doesn’t seem to think I’m doing him a favour by doing all the running around though

"Do you want to...?" phrased like can be on a par with "can we do...?" in work emails, when it's trying to sound nice and friendly and optional but isn't really. I would far rather someone was straightforward and just said "can you please do x?" than tried to make out they were suggesting something I might like to do, or that we might all do together.

I think it's best in these situations to just say "DH, can you take x to brownies please?".

The way you asked was implying that it wasn't optional but phrasing it as though he has a choice, iyswim?

I'd have laughed at him. The point isn't how you asked him - the point is he seems to think all housework and childrearing is your responsibility and he does "favours" for you if he helps out.

Do you pay the electricity bill with the money you've earned and say "Oh dh, I've done you a favour"?

You need a chat about why he devalues your work from home on a Monday. It’s not on.

Oh FGS. It's obvious that "do you want to do XYZ?" is a polite request for the person you're talking to to do XYZ.

Husbands aren't stupid. He didn't misunderstand. He just thinks that it's OP's job to do that kind of stuff despite the fact that she has been working all day.

I think you did put the question awkwardly. How is he supposed to answer?
He could answer, "Yes, I do want to take MiniRoby" but would he really be meaning "Yes, how lovely I have been waiting to do this for weeks, Thank you for finally giving me the chance to take Miniroby."

He could answer "No I don't, but I will if I need to."

Why not just say, "Please would you take MiniRoby to ..."? If that is what you mean? Where does what DH wants come into it?

On the other hand, if he needs to do this I don;t agree it is a favour to you.

I stopped using 'can you?' when giving direction/ asking for help, because - as PPs have noted - it makes it sound optional or theoretical. I now say 'Will you pop to the shops, please?' or 'It would help me out if you pop for some milk'.

In our house 'do you want to do x' would mean just that! Either of us might fancy a walk or like spending a bit of one on time with one of our children, or appreciate the chance to have a chat with one of the other parents. Why would it be a 'favour' to either parent to share a task like that?!

My DH objects to me saying ‘do you want to...?’ as well.

I think he’s being an arse when he does

Ah, but whilst people (read my DH and teenagers!) aren't stupid they can turn a question phrased like that into their advantage - the opposite of stupid!

I agree his choice of the word favour was added fuel to the argument. If that's the part that enraged you then I would turn it on its head and ask if all the jobs you do for the family are 'favours'? Is him going to work a 'favour'?

His rephrasing only makes sense if it is your job. Is it?

Oh I hate with a passion “do you want to...?” when it really means “please can you...?”

It’s not clear really whether his issue is with you asking him to do it, or with you phrasing it as though you are doing him a favour by offering him the opportunity when really you want something done???

What’s the context? Does he often shirk responsibility housewise? Or is he a stickler for saying what you mean and meaning what you say?

Either way, it sounds an unpleasant exchange and you have my sympathies on that front.

Oh I hate with a passion “do you want to...?” when it really means “please can you...?”

But isn't it easy to say "I don't particularly but I will if she needs to be dropped off" or say slightly sarcastically "Absolutely - I live for taking dd to Brownies" That is how it would go in our house.

I don't think he was complaining about the way the question was posed. I think he was making it quite clear that this kind of thing is wife/women's work and any excursion into it by him is a favour.

Mind you if dh (or any of the kids) said that think about the favour, I'd be taking the piss out of them for the rest of the night more than getting upset.

Bloody hell, he thinks parenting is doing you a favour?

God, what a dickhead.

He’s telling you it’s not his job basically isn’t he?!

And being a patronising git to boot.

Well whether he's being patronising and presumptious or not depends on what their arrangements usually are, doesn't it? If the usual agreement is that OP takes the child to brownies on a Monday, and for once she's asking him to take her instead, then I would see that as favour to be honest. If there's no agreement, and he just assumes that OP will take her because that's what mums do, then he's an arse.

Why did he say it was a favour? Does he actually believe that?

Well, he might not necessarily be being an arse.

Some families divide jobs up by person, so on Mondays, OP's job might be to take DD to Brownies, whereas DH takes her to football on Thursdays, for example.

So asking him to take her on a day where he normally wouldn't, would be asking him a favour.

Depends really. Is brownies taking usually done by you?

My dh just about always takes one of our DSs to a particular sport. All of the things involved in it. Whatever comes up he knows about and organised getting to. On occasion he'll ask me: usually with "will you" rather than "would you like to". Different qurstions.

Possibly he meant by "favour" was that you should just ask rather than phrase it like he could say no when you don't want him to say no.

I would look at bigger picture: is he helping you enough and is he usually like doing sarcastic comments. If yes on both questions - I will ignore , if no...... But after a really tiring day I might go ballistic after just one sarcastic comment. So you are not being unreasonable , but you still may chose to ignore it ( this time)