Noisy In-laws, I'm probably being Unreasonable!

[Cheekylittlenumber]

I LOVE my in-laws, don't get me wrong, but they are so loud!

We have a 4 month old and a 3 year old, and I think the baby is going through the dreaded 4 month regression. Her day time sleep is awful and it's a real struggle to get her to sleep. She doesn't need total silence by any means she likes to hear chatter/tv etc but they are just so loud it's bloody impossible to get her to sleep! We're just about to leave after spending a lovely weekend with them, but they don't seem to 'get' that they're really loud.

When I'm standing rocking the baby to sleep my FIL will walk into the room and literally shout at the top of his lungs at my 3 year old (it's a game he has to spook her) I'm literally standing in front of him with a baby with her eyes shut who is instantly startled, and he's totally oblivious. I've started to go into another room for naps but then they follow me in! This morning MIL came into the room being really loud, asking me something to which I replied with a normal/low voice. She then replied loudly and baby woke up, mil then cooed over baby.

Part of me thinks they want her awake so they can spend time with her, part of me thinks they're going deaf and don't realise how loud they are.

It's their own home of course and I love them to bits, and I feel like I can't say 'can you be quiet just while she's going to sleep'. I feel like it's obvious when I talk back to them with a 'normal' voice.

We visit every few weeks so maybe by the next time we come baby will have improved and sleep wont be such a battle but after a real fight getting her to sleep it's bloody annoying to be woken up by random shouting!! Should I say something or just smile and drink to get through it?

They've just walked in and are 'talking' (shouting) at each other! Amazed baby is still asleep (I'm upstairs but it's as if they're in the room with me they're so loud)

Wish I could record it so you can hear for yourselves!!

Just say I'm off to settle the baby can you please leave me in peace and do t come in as you're quite noisy

Babies learn to sleep with the general hubub of daily noise. Car engines, siblings shouting, the rumble of pushchair wheels over uneven surfaces, market traders yelling, school children squabbling at bus stops.

Honestly, this kind of thing annoys me even when there isn't a baby involved. I just find loudness rude and unpleasant.

Sounds like they need a hearing test!

Babies can sleep through a general noise if its background. nobody can drop to sleep with someone suddenly booming away. I would just keep on telling them that the baby just needs a little quiet while he falls asleep. No need to say they are loud. I would ask if there is a room to take the baby into while they're trying to get off to sleep.

Can’t see how loudness is ‘rude’ or ‘unpleasant’ in their own house.
They probably don’t realise how loud they are, and I don’t think you’ve got a right to control that in their house. Maybe they need a hearing test?
However the following you in to a room etc - you definitely can say something about that, just say you are going to put the baby to sleep and please would nobody come in.

Babies learn to sleep with the general hubub of daily noise.

Mine hasn’t. DD1 would sleep anywhere as long as she was in a sling. DD2 is on a hair trigger all of the damned time. And now we have foghorn voiced DD1 in the mix it means DD2’s naps are regularly cut short. When DD1 is at school during the week and it’s just me at home, DD2 gets a full 2hrs in the afternoon, while I read or quietly watch tv. But if we are out visiting or it’s a weekend with general family noise then she’s up in minutes.

Part of me thinks they want her awake so they can spend time with her I'd reckon on that too, it's so selfish.

When you're settling the little one, as soon as they approach, put your fingers to your lips and say shhh.

If they then yell and wake baby, you can just say your probably more polite version of

Now look what you've done. this is becoming a habit with you and it needs to be said. I was trying to settle baby, I know you saw me saying shhh and you still shouted so loud you've disturbed her. This just isn't on. If I signal to you to be quiet, then just do that. If I go to another room to settle baby, please do not follow me and then disturb her.

Such a difficult one! My dad is very loud and used to drive me mad talking (shouting!) when I was trying to get the kids to sleep. I never said anything though as it’s so awkward.

Could your DH have a word?

Or if you’re holding the baby, whisper to them: “sorry I really can’t talk right now, the baby is very sensitive to noises at the moment and I want to get her off to sleep as she is exhausted” or something along those lines?!

Were they always this loud or is it a new thing?
If new thing, since the baby?
Could they be going deaf?

(BTW the shouting to scare a 3 yr old would annoy me. A family member did this to their child and he grew up doing it to everyone, including in restaurants - I spilled a drink in shock once - and once in a test at school. It just seems to be a habit with him in any quiet situation... because it's "funny". It's not.)

Have a large sign ready saying "Please be quiet, don't want to wake baby"? Or just don't visit so often till the children are a bit older?

Sounds just like my in-laws. I've got a 2 year old and 6 month old, I'll have just spent the best part of 30minutes trying to settle our youngest when my fil will start making various animal noises at the top of his voice. It drives me insane. I tell him to shh he apologises but then does it again!! We often go in the evening when we visit them so I'll say to our 2 year old (but really I'm saying it to fil) "can we have a calm, quiet half hour so we are ready for bed when we get home". Five minutes later we are back in the monkey enclosure at the zoo, drives me insane!!!

Your in-law's probably won't listen even if you say something if they're anything like mine.

I doubt it's intentional on their part but it would drive me mad too.

Have you come across this book?
www.amazon.co.uk/Thats-What-Meant-Conversational-Relationships/dp/0062062999?tag=mumsnetforum-21
One of the things it explains really well (better than I'm about to!) is that different family norms affect communication massively. In particular, when you say
I feel like I can't say 'can you be quiet just while she's going to sleep'. I feel like it's obvious when I talk back to them with a 'normal' voice.
Actually you really can say it! If they are naturally loud they are probably (subconsciously) speaking even louder because you're so quiet and they are dying to say "stop muttering" to you!

It's all just about different perceptions - don't assume that they are deliberately ignoring your hints, they are probably just too subtle.

Don’t quote Obscuredbyfog that sounded really rude.

But just tell them the baby needs to sleep now so would it be ok to go in another room where it’s really quiet as she’s hard to settle.

Based on my 75 year old fathers noise levels, is it possible they are going deaf? How loud is their tv settings?

I tend to agree that babies who aren't used to quiet sleep better, but I can imagine how frustrating this might be.

Second (and subsequent) are often more noise tolerant than PFBs because well, they have to be!!

Hope you have a better night tonight!

Definitely don’t do what Obscuredbyfog said. These are your in laws who you get on with. They probably are going deaf and don’t realise how loud they are. Just politely ask before she goes to sleep to keep the noise down a bit while she’s dozing off, or say you’re going into a quiet room as she won’t sleep otherwise. Be firm but polite!

The TV is so loud, it's unbearable. FIL is definitely going deaf, but they've always been quite loud. They used to decide to go to bed at the same time we were putting the kids to bed and make loads of noise and come into the bedroom while we were trying to settle them. They thankfully don't do that anymore.

Next time we stay over I'll try putting my finger over my mouth and sshing with a big smile on my face and thank them for being quiet for a short while.

Baby has a big sister who's three and will keep quiet for a short while if we ask her to. If a three year old gets it I don't know why they don't get it! But I appreciate it's their house/their rules.

No advice but my IL’s are exactly the same!!

Drives me bonkers! When DH & MIL are talking, it’s like a full on shouting match!

Just ask them to be quieter. Or get your partner to.

My mum and FIL are also the loudest people alive.

I tell my mum “use your inside voice” which annoys her but she’s my mum so it doesn’t matter if I annoy her !

With my FIL I’m not that close to him so I always give my DH looks which imply “tell your dad to shit the F up” and he does .

My baby is nearly 6mo but was the same as your baby around 4mo and I would spend hours rocking and walking him about to get him to sleep only for my FILs loud Geordie voice to come booming in!

Don’t make an issue out of it because your LOs sleep will probs have settled down in a couple of months.

Do they live that far away that you have to spend the whole weekend / stay over? I don’t think I could stand it!

Some babies need quiet and calm, no matter how young they are. My dd was like this, and my in-laws didn't get it either and it would drive me mental!

Whilst trying to settle DD in her sling, my mil would constantly talk to me, whilst intermittently patting baby on the back, or pulling at the sling to see her face. Not only did it feel like a total invasion of my personal space, but it would lead to DD taking forever to settle, or only settling for a short time.

I feel your pain op, yanbu.

Before I went to settle baby I'd ask where would be the best place to get some quiet and explain baby is more sensitive to noise at the moment. Feel your pain though - people who can't read a situation like that make me 😬