Sleeping in the living room!

[Sadie82]

My husband, child and myself live with my dad. He basically begged us to live with him when we married and we agreed (more fool us)

We pay my dad a significant amount a month, keep him company (he has no friends) and I personally deal with most of the little tasks such as paperwork, arranging appointments and such for my dad. He still works and he buys about 10% of groceries for me, my husband and child...I pay for and buy the other 90%, despite the fact we are already supposedly paying him to buy food.

Anyway my husband does night shift and on occasion he would fall asleep on the sofa when he came home. This drove my dad nuts but for a long time he didn't say anything outright...just passive aggressively reacted to me about it, which I tried to ignore, while encouraging my husband to go up if he was tired.

Anyway it ended up in a big argument one day and since then my husband has maybe once or twice fallen asleep downstairs. Now here is the thing I find quite unreasonable about my dad.....until he had this big issue with my husband sleeping on the sofa.....he would in fact sleep on the sofa in the afternoon everyday before he went to work (he also does shift work) and expect silence or for us to go upstairs so he could sleep for up to 2 hours!

So is my husband being unreasonable occasionally falling asleep on the sofa after work....or is my dad making us unwelcome in our own home!

Can you move out?

You need to move out. It sounds like this arrangement has run its course. ANYONE sleeping in communal living space during the day and expecting others to be quiet is being unreasonable.

You are unreasonable to continue to allow your father to use you this way. You pay him a significant amount, buy nearly all the food and do his admin on top of this? Why is your h putting up with this? STOP enabling your selfish father and put your own family first. Find another place to live asap. I'd rather live in a bedsit with my husband and child than in a situation like this.

It would be quite an upheaval and I know he basically wouldn't forgive us...would have to probably go no contact!

You need a new address. He's taking the piss on many levels.

Can you move out?
Surely you need to?

Why does it make him so angry? I think we've all done this after a long day...

Do you also do all the cooking and cleaning too?

Regardless, I think it's time to move!

I think we have let it go on so long because for the most part things just move along reasonably....and despite him being an arsehole we know if we left he would have literally no one....as one of the posters said I think maybe the arrangement has run it's course and are patience with him has run thin.

not sure why it makes him so angry honestly...especially as he used to do it too and as routine rather than just a one off every now and again.

He cooks his own food....and cleans up 80-90% of his the mess he makes

He may not forgive you if you move out? Why, every family needs their space and he’s treating this like he’s doing you a favour.

The only alternative is to reset the ground rules. So you pay less to take account of the food you buy. You all can sleep in the living room (but all may get disturbed) or none can.

At the moment he’s acting like it’s his home rather than yours too. If he can’t understand that’s not sustainable then you need to leave. How does your DH feel?

'It would be quite an upheaval and I know he basically wouldn't forgive us...would have to probably go no contact!'

That says more about him than you. He is using you. He has no one because he doesn't sound like a very nice person. But you know what? He is an adult, his having people is his lookout, not your responsibility. You are living your life according to FOG - fear, obligation and guilt. This is NOT good for your child to see.

You both owe it to get her away from this toxic environment and if he throws a hissy fit, too bad. You're a grown up with a child.

Really not fair for your poor DH to live with him. Not allowed to sleep on the sofa?!
You'd be so much better off in your own home.
It's stressful moving, but only lasts a short time and will be so much better in the long run.

Move out. Your dad hasn’t got any friends you say? Doubt he’d cut you off for long if at all. Right now in his mind he holds all the cards because it’s his house and your yours despite you paying to live there too.

Or you know, staying living there and being miserable because it’s a lot of upheaval....

I feel he wouldn't forgive us because he has no one ....if we left he would feel we were basically abandoning him....of course if he was reasonable we wouldn't abandon him but my husband and I both know this would be his attitude.

My husband is an easy going person so for the most part we try to let most of my dad's crap go over our head....but as the pp mentioned it seems to have run it's course

His fault for driving you and all his friends away. His choice to change.

Most people still see parents when they don't live together. Can't you just say you are moving out but obviously you will still be seeing each other each week?

I would just find a place to live. On the day, pack up and go. He doesn't deserve to be involved because he's been quite awful to you both.

I have flipped out on my dad a couple of times and put him in his place...but he drifts back to his old habits....but I know in his heart he knows we do hold some of the cards as he would be lost with out us. As I said for the most part we get on reasonably ok....I think because he is scared of me flipping out again....me and my husband have said one more big argument and we will leave...I think the countdown has begun...

thank you for all the replies and support x

I would advise him that you're beginning to think about moving on so he can modify his behaviour if he wants to, and begin to prepare himself if he doesn't

Someone needs to give your DH a medal for toleration this! There are many that wouldn't, myself included!

You’re adults and have a child. He’s preventing you from moving to the next step, which is being masters of your own home and your destiny.

You all might find this hard to believe but actually that was one of the first times that my dad has actually had an argument with my husband....on the whole they get on better than I get on with my dad....and my dad acts the good guy with my husband and puts most pressure on me.
My husband and dad probably wouldn't spend more than an hour together each day due to work schedules....and maybe 4-5 hours on days off...so that probably helps.

Forget whether it's unreasonable enough to fall asleep on the sofa you need to move out. Seriously.

Your dad is taking the piss.

You need to move out ASAP. Keeping quiet upstairs whilst he naps, what the heck, and the money situation. Move!!