Sleeping in the living room!

[Sadie82]

My husband, child and myself live with my dad. He basically begged us to live with him when we married and we agreed (more fool us)

We pay my dad a significant amount a month, keep him company (he has no friends) and I personally deal with most of the little tasks such as paperwork, arranging appointments and such for my dad. He still works and he buys about 10% of groceries for me, my husband and child...I pay for and buy the other 90%, despite the fact we are already supposedly paying him to buy food.

Anyway my husband does night shift and on occasion he would fall asleep on the sofa when he came home. This drove my dad nuts but for a long time he didn't say anything outright...just passive aggressively reacted to me about it, which I tried to ignore, while encouraging my husband to go up if he was tired.

Anyway it ended up in a big argument one day and since then my husband has maybe once or twice fallen asleep downstairs. Now here is the thing I find quite unreasonable about my dad.....until he had this big issue with my husband sleeping on the sofa.....he would in fact sleep on the sofa in the afternoon everyday before he went to work (he also does shift work) and expect silence or for us to go upstairs so he could sleep for up to 2 hours!

So is my husband being unreasonable occasionally falling asleep on the sofa after work....or is my dad making us unwelcome in our own home!

we know if we left he would have literally no one....

and that would be a bed of his own making

I dont understand why you’re living with him, many many people live on their own!

I personally think your husband is amazing for putting up with this and it shows he must love you dearly. However given the chance I think deep down if you asked him he would prefer a house of your own and his own space to relax in, he works hard for it. Could you not live close by?

Can you tell us what the advantages of living with Dad actually are, apart from the fear, obligation guilt stuff?

Be honest with us now.

Do you save money? Do you have your own space to enjoy married life together? Do you enjoy being in a multi generational household? Do you enjoy paying him a chunk of money every month (for what I ask).

I do realise that you will feel very guilty about wanting to move on. Your husband and your Dad seem to be in cahoots, and you are always the fly in the ointment.

Maybe I am wrong about that though.

I could not live like that unless Dad or Mum had their own granny/grandad annexe. Even then it would be a struggle TBH. But best of luck to you.

Well I had a pretty dysfunctional childhood, where for the most part my dad was the good guy....so there is definitely a sense of obligation, a feeling of not upsetting the apple cart, knowing that perhaps dc would have to move schools because this area is too expensive for us without my dad paying his share.

really there are so many complicated reasons I think if it had been simple to leave we would have been long gone....I would say it's like that experiment with the frog....put one in hot water and they will jump out immediately...slowly heat it and they will boil to death....from an outside perspective it seems unbearable....but when you have lived in a kind of dysfunction from childhood.....you have a high tolerance for crap.

My husband and dad are definitely not in cahoots, but my husband's just sees less of his crap behaviour due to his shifts and my husband is very slid back whereas I am more sensitive.

easy going....not slid???

Occasionally falling asleep on the sofa after work, especially a night shift, we’ve all been there. Sleeping on the sofa every day for 2 hours not one.

When I still lived at home with my mum my older brother (who had left home) used to turn up every weekend, have my mum waiting on him hand and foot then doss on the sofa for hours.

Mum would sit in her room upstairs and tiptoe round her own house to not wake him. I was at college during the week and worked Sat and Sun so didn’t realise what was going on. All I got was ‘D’brother visited today.

It’s only when I was off one weekend I realised what was going on and put a stop to his domineering behaviour

Sadie.

Sending hugs your way. I hope you get your lives sorted soon.

But it certainly doesn't sound ideal at the moment does it? Best wishes.

Your dads life choices and behaviour are why he has no one. This is not your doing and not is it your responsibility to make up for.

I suggest you have a family meeting and discuss the living arrangements. Review the cost and make some rules.

Thanks Hoppy and thanks to everyone else for the replies too....I don't see this situation going on for much longer....lifes too short....dont want to be in my 40's and be unhappy because I'm trying to live by someone else's rules!