Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re wedding abroad?

61 replies

ComfyBoots · 28/01/2018 15:29

A close relative lives in another European country and has been engaged for 18 months. Ten months ago when I visited her last she told me that they are hoping to get married on a specific date. 6 months later ( last October) I asked how the plans were going but didn’t get a direct answer re date. I then sent another text yesterday saying that we wondered if they’d set the date yet as we wanted to ensure we are available for the wedding but want to also book our main summer holiday. Now, I absolutely understand that they can get married at very short notice and that I’m not obliged to attend. However, AIBU to think that im in a slightly unfair situation as I now feel that I have to keep the whole of August free in case of a date clash. If I mention it again I will be being pushy, but equally, I want to be able to book my main summer holiday and any wedding flights more than 6 months ahead to get a reasonable deal. I’ve had no reply and now don’t know what to do. AIBU to feel frustrated or is it simply a case of her wedding, her prerogative?

OP posts:
billybagpuss · 28/01/2018 15:58

If its your sister, why don't you just phone her. Just say as she hadn't answered your text you wanted to check she was ok. Have a good old fashioned chat. It sounds like she might need it.

Original poster
ComfyBoots · 28/01/2018 15:58

Very complex family situation. What parents say is not relevant:)

OP posts:
Foodylicious · 28/01/2018 15:59

Are there any plans for you to see her in the next few months? Or do you Skype?
Can you have a more general chat about how all the planning is going? How are they getting on etc??

WeAllHaveWings · 28/01/2018 15:59

Why can't you just pick up the phone and ask her!

VicTracey · 28/01/2018 16:00

You're going to just have to phone and actually speak to her.

billybagpuss · 28/01/2018 16:01

Also don't worry about A level results day, you can check the uni status through UCAS anyway and if you chat with the school someone else can pick them up for you.

WorldWideWanderer · 28/01/2018 16:01

Honestly, I would book your own holiday anyway. You've asked enough; when your own holdiay is booked just text again and say that, as you didn't get any reply, your own holiday is XYZ dates and maybe she will work around that. If you aren't free, well, you aren't free....sister or no sister.....

CoffeeOrSleep · 28/01/2018 16:01

oh seen it's a sibling.

Then perhaps send her another message along the lines of you can't wait forever to put off booking your summer holiday, but that she needs to think if other guests will have already booked their summer holiday, or be booking it in the next couple of weeks, and she might find she doesn't get the turn out she would like if she wants a summer wedding but doesn't get it confirmed ASAP.

Original poster
ComfyBoots · 28/01/2018 16:02

I can’t say much more without outing myself but there are reasons why I would not be comfortable ringing her up and putting her on the spot. We do not have a text book sibling history, iyswim.

OP posts:
RedialCallHold · 28/01/2018 16:03

Give it a week if no reply with set dates then just book your family holiday as suits you. Drop your sis an email to let her know what dates you're away for and if she books her wedding then unfortunately you'll be unable to attend but let her know you understand if she has to book the wedding for when you can't make it. Ball is firmly in her court then.

No she should not have to book a date to appease family members but she can't then expect them to keep the whole of summer free.

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 28/01/2018 16:04

You will be really really pissed off if you don't book, can't get a holiday you like, and the wedding dates still don't appear.

As it is a sister I would send her a message "I will be booking my holiday in 2 weeks time,, if it is important for this summer let me know before then"

OOOOOOOOOOO · 28/01/2018 16:05

I'd send a text saying that you are planning to book X week for your holiday in the next couple of days and for her to let you know if it's a problem.

SilverySurfer · 28/01/2018 16:06

YABU to expect someone to arrange their wedding around your availability. As she is your sister one would assume you would be invited but it depends on circumstances. I don't think inviting you to meet the DP is significant at all.

Leave the poor woman to arrange their wedding in peace.

If or when she does send you an invite you’ll either be available or not

This

VicTracey · 28/01/2018 16:06

Just book your holiday.

She hasn't given you a date, hasn't actually invited you, you're not comfortable speaking to her.

No. Complex or not, you can't put your life on hold for this.

girlywhirly · 28/01/2018 16:07

Your family and their needs come first. I think you should do what suits you all best with holidays, you have had no word about the wedding. The bride will just have to lump it if she makes no attempt to communicate what the state of play is, and for all you know she might be about to call it off.

It’s unreasonable of your relative to expect guests to make no plans in case they clash with their wedding date, which never seems to be decided.

Original poster
ComfyBoots · 28/01/2018 16:09

Thanks everyone, we are siblings but didn’t grow up together so the more direct approach wouldn’t be right in this case. So, I must me there ( as her sister) but don’t feel I want to be blunt ( as I would with my DB, for instance).

OP posts:
Original poster
ComfyBoots · 28/01/2018 16:10

‘Must BE there ‘

OP posts:
sonjadog · 28/01/2018 16:12

I would send her one more message saying that you are looking into booking your holiday this week and if she has the date confirmed could you let her know as you would be sad to end up missing her wedding if the date collided with your holiday.

So then she knows you aren't just asking to hassle her, and if she doesn't get back to you, then either she doesn't plan on inviting you, or if she does then that is her problem for not responding.

Jaxhog · 28/01/2018 16:12

It's really annoying, but it's their decision. I missed my only niece's wedding because she set the date after we'd booked our hols. Some people just don't get the idea of 'planning ahead'!

VicTracey · 28/01/2018 16:13

I wasn't at my (full) siblings wedding. We aren't close. Just get on with your life. Sorry but you clearly aren't that important to her, if you can't even ask her on the phone, so don't put so much importance on being there.

BackforGood · 28/01/2018 16:13

I think I would message one more time, and say if it isn't fixed then you will be booking your family holiday by - insert date a week or so from now.
I understand your need to not 'out' yourself, but it is difficult for the rest of us to give advice with all the cryptic messages really. I think for most of us, we'd just pick up the phone and have a normal conversation If your relationship is such that you can't do that, then it would seem to fall into a category of 'well, it isn't that important if we are there or not'.
Anyone planning a wedding that means people close to them will have to take a week off work / book flights / accommodation, and incur all the costs involved, would give enough notice to anyone that it is really important to them that they are there - particularly when that person has specifically asked them.

Goldmonday · 28/01/2018 16:14

Just book your holiday, if you can't make it then you can't make it.

Nquartz · 28/01/2018 16:16

Girlywhirly has it spot on, very sound advice

MotherofTerriers · 28/01/2018 16:24

Book your holiday, and tell her the dates you've booked as soon as you do so. She can then pick a date you're available for, or not...
If you're booking a package deal with a tour operator some of them let you pay a fee (about £20 each I think) which then lets you change dates if you want

happygirly1 · 28/01/2018 16:27

I would personally drop her a message and say:

  1. You're looking at booking your family holiday, and considering she gave you a specific date she had in mind for the wedding, you are booking for XX date (a different date) so as to not clash.
  1. You'll be booking this holiday in 2 weeks time, so if she is actually thinking of a different date for her wedding that clashes with your holiday, to let you know before then so you can book for a different time.
  1. If you don't hear back in the next two weeks, you'll assume there's no clash and will book away and will look forward to being able to attend her wedding too!