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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think DH is a selfish prick

39 replies

Emmawiggle · 28/01/2018 12:33

Hi MN's

Been lurking for a bit and this is my first post.
I am heavily pregnant with our third DC and was due to finish my last shift at work today.
My DH knew this but decided this morning that I could call my DM to mind our other DC even though my DM was feeling poorly.

He just left me and went to his hobby, without even caring that we had no one to mind DC while I finished up my last shift.
His hobby is a recent enough one that he has started up again after not doing it for 10years.
I ended up having to take my DC to work with me until selfish DH was finished with is hobby, needless to say my boss was not very happy.

I came home to sulking from him as I did actually send messages to him to say, that I felt his hobby was being put before his family and that If I were to do the same our DC would not be put first.
He has gone straight to bed after we put DC to bed and I am sitting in the living room, feeling like a dick, and wondering why the fuck is it always up to me to cater myself and my job and organise the Childcare and drop and pick up while he gets to flitter off and do whatever he feels like.
I am just so over it am I wrong to think he is a selfish prick?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 28/01/2018 12:37

He is a selfish prick and you need to decide if you want to waste your life being married to one. I know I wouldn't.

Spicylolly · 28/01/2018 12:37

Wow, that is so super selfish. What a twat! I'd be livid and I'd put cayenne pepper in every meal and itching powder in his pants!

KimmySchmidt1 · 28/01/2018 12:38

Did you instruct him that it was not possible for him to do his hobby before he left? Or did you expect him to guess?

Sometimes the best way to conceptualise a marriage is that you are the sergeant major and he is the squaddie.

You need to give instructions as he cannot exercise discretion himself. That does not mean the sergeant major does all the work. It means she issues the instructions.

Has he directly refused an order? Or have you not issued any?

Doublevodka · 28/01/2018 12:38

You are not wrong. He is a selfish prick. My DH would try to do the same........if I let him.

KarmaStar · 28/01/2018 12:42

He is a selfish prick.let him sulk.
Have a nice meal with your dc and relax for the rest of the day.
Hopefully your boss has understood and there's no fallout of having your dc at work.
Good luck with your new baby 🌼🌼🌼

VladmirsPoutine · 28/01/2018 12:42

What is your relationship generally like?

I know the horse has already bolted but often times when a woman has had a child / multiple children with a man he can decide that he can do whatever the fuck he likes because as a single mother of 3 children you aren't anymore one of the hottest things on the market anymore. It's an unsavoury view and indeed NAMALT. But you need to nip this in the bud before it becomes a serious contravention of family life.

Think of it like the boiling frog analogy - your boundaries are pushed and pushed and pushed incrementally with you not really drawing the line until one day he quite frankly doesn't give a shit about family life anymore.

WheresTheHooferDoofer · 28/01/2018 12:43

KimmySchmidt1

A decent bloke doesn't need to be told that with his wife at work, and her DM poorly and not able to care for the DCs, that his hobby therefore comes last and he has to care for the children.

sparklefarts · 28/01/2018 12:45

He's a selfish prat.

Kimmy , you're not serious?

Butterymuffin · 28/01/2018 12:48

Not sure what the Sergeant major stuff is about but it sounds like he just assumes you will do everything. I'd stop doing the things you do for him (eg washing) for a start.

Original poster

Emmawiggle · 28/01/2018 12:52

He usually either takes the DC with him or won't go if it falls on a day that I am working.
We usually have a good relationship, he helps out with the house, we tend to generally share the things that need doing. I feel like today he just didn't care and did what he wanted to do and what was easier for him rather than putting our DC/ family first. Especially when I am so pregnant and hormonal anyway.

OP posts:

Original poster

Emmawiggle · 28/01/2018 12:55

Kimmy I don't think I would want a relationship where I had to give my DH orders. I was just asking for other views as being pregnant is making me very emotional and I wanted to make sure I was not being unreasonable

OP posts:

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 28/01/2018 12:55

Wow, definitely a selfish prick. What sort of fucking idiot would go their hobby when his wife is going to work & he therefore needs to be at home for his DC?
I honestly can't believe you took them to work-I'd have sent you home if I was your boss, sorry.

sexnotgender · 28/01/2018 12:58

Argh, he helps out with the house

No he doesn’t! He’s a bloody adult and the house is not your job that he helps with. He’s not doing you a favour.

Yes he’s selfish.

Original poster

Emmawiggle · 28/01/2018 13:04

Wow sexnotagender did you also see written under that we share all the things that need doing? Way to pick words apart, anyway that was not the question I asked

OP posts:

FredaNerkk · 28/01/2018 13:06

He usually either takes the DC with him or won't go if it falls on a day that I am working.

If this is the case, have you asked him why he reacted differently today?

Fairenuff · 28/01/2018 13:09

Yes, Freda that was exactly what I was wondering.

FredaNerkk · 28/01/2018 13:11

When you're calmer perhaps try to reflect on what is the true situation:

Is it like you said in a later post:

He usually either takes the DC with him or won't go if it falls on a day that I am working

or is it like you said in your original post:

why the fuck is it always up to me to cater myself and my job and organise the Childcare and drop and pick up while he gets to flitter off and do whatever he feels like.

Maybe you were catastrophising in your original post, thinking that a once off was indicative of the norm or an out of control slippery slope? When actually he was just having a bum day. Or maybe you were minimising in your later post, trying to white-wash your feelings so that you don't have to stand up for yourself? Being too agreeable is not healthy.

Original poster

Emmawiggle · 28/01/2018 13:11

I have not asked him, because he is not talking to me, he took himself off to bed. I was too angry earlier to ask him, I sent him a message to say I though he was being unreasonably selfish and putting his hobby before his family

OP posts:

VladmirsPoutine · 28/01/2018 13:13

I don't think @sexnotgender was being disingenuous. Their point is a valid one is as much as when women say that their husbands help out with childcare and around the house. It's as though it's assumed that its the woman's job and the man should receive an OBE for contributing to his family. Granted you have said that you tend to share what needs doing and where generally; I can see why you take umbrage at the point but it still stands.

rjay123 · 28/01/2018 13:13

And me - why is today different, and why can’t he face you now?

expatinscotland · 28/01/2018 13:13

Why do people say 'to do/go to hobby' rather than just saying what it is? It's not outing unless his hobby is organising civil unrest for a terrorist group.

WizardOfToss · 28/01/2018 13:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tweetiepie1000 · 28/01/2018 13:14

Aquamarine1029

He is a selfish prick and you need to decide if you want to waste your life being married to one. I know I wouldn't.

^indeed! Perfectly put and all this he helps round the house etc is really sad. He is adult and just as responsible for family life as you are.

balsamicbarbara · 28/01/2018 13:15

He should have stepped up and offered to make your life easier especially as it was the final shift. You could probably have been more insistent beforehand as well though as he seems a bit dense.

With that said, I also see why he is defending his hobby. Your hobby is probably more oriented around the kids and family and to him that's more a responsibility so he felt he needed a bit of me time. The problem is, he picked the wrong time to do it this time.

Original poster

Emmawiggle · 28/01/2018 13:15

He does normally take them with him, or not go, I am not trying to be agreeable. I have just had enough this weekend, organising the childcare and the pick ups And drop offs usually come down to me as I work two days a week, where he works 6 days and I have the time to do so.

OP posts:

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