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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being taken advantage of by my girlfriend?

27 replies

caketree93 · 28/01/2018 12:02

I originally had this over in money but then I realised this forum existed and for starters, I love that there is a whole section dedicated to 'am I being unreasonable' Grin

I’m 24 (female) and I’ve been with my girlfriend (27) about a year. She is ina very low paying job with little education. I have much more education but was making similar money to her. I stopped working in November to study for my exams, and i had savings to that end. I should preface this with the fact that my girlfriend is head over heels for me, so I feel like shit being so resentful.

For the last few months, there is constantly some reason she has no money. Some of them were legitimate, but I can’t shake the feeling that had she been more proactive they would have resolved quicker (ie had she gotten angrier with the bank when they were doing things wrong). Then she promised she was going to take back up her studies or in some other way change career to make a little more. This was originally meant to be January, now it’s likely to Be March and she’s talking about essentially just taking whatever she can get.

I understand it’s easier for me because I have more opportunities and am generally better at handling admin problems. But I am also broke as a result of paying for all our groceries, going out, her phone/médical bills etc. It’s not that she necessarily asks me for money but if i don’t pay, she’s like oh I don’t need to go get that prescription (meaning she is sick and I have to mind her) or she has no phone or there is no food in the house. It is likely close to 1000e I have given her directly or indirectly at this point. If I don’t pay for drinks/cinema etc, we just spend all our time at home watching Netflix while she gets stoned with her housemate.

I know the next thing is like 'do non expensive dates' but its always me who has to suggest things and she says no to everything. Even when it comes to doing other stuff...its just all done badly. If she cooks, its things that she likes. She refuses to leave the light on in our room so i can study while she watches tv, but then she complains when i move to the sitting room. Sometimes it seems like she's making an effort and I feel mean but it feels like the effort I'd expect from a 5 year old, not my partner.

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 28/01/2018 12:05

It does sound like everything is her way and you get the pleasure of paying for it. Have you pointed out to her that this seems unfair?

And yes, from your account I think SIBU. Wink

MatildaTheCat · 28/01/2018 12:06

Relationships are supposed to be fun and mutually beneficial. Is this for you?

I’d leave and get on with your studies in peace.

FizzyGreenWater · 28/01/2018 12:11

Ahhh this isn't going to work out, is it?

It's not just the money. You are growing to dislike her childishness, her seeming inability to plan ahead, her slight selfishness and lack of awareness (you pay for everything - when she cooks, she makes sure it's what she likes) and her slightly controlling neediness (stay with me here but NO you can't have the light on).

A year is pretty much average for these kind of issues to arise, once you're through the honeymoon period.

Add the money thing to this and I'd say walk away. Money is THE killer - you have different attitudes to finances, which will be a major issue for you. As she's a bit selfish anyway this is right now coming out as you paying for everything, but she could be earning loads and you'd still have issues, with her probably refusing to save for a joint place, prioritising different spending, etc.

It's a dump from me I'm afraid.

Jenna43 · 28/01/2018 12:14

What is her money being spent on? You have a right to know this as you are supporting her financially. She sounds very selfish, I'd probably split.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 28/01/2018 12:17

So all she does is sponge off you, get stoned and only show consideration for herself and not you, you have yourself some catch there. The thing is because she has no get up and go this is always the way it's going to be too, unless of course you aim higher, which you should

KarmaStar · 28/01/2018 12:19

Hi OP
You are getting nothing out of this relationship and don't sound like you're as in love with her as you think she is with you,you're a clever person,you don't need us to say it's time to end this and move on.
Don't be emotionally blackmailed.
Good luck with your studies,cut your losses in the money you've spent out but don't spend out any more.

Nikephorus · 28/01/2018 12:19

I so rarely go with this option but I really think a 'LTB' is appropriate here. You don't sound like you're getting anything out of the relationship but seem to be funding it and keeping it going generally. It's not even just money - it's the basic making an effort. Move on and find someone who values you for more than your bank balance.

PastaOfMuppets · 28/01/2018 12:23

No wonder she's broke, she's probably spending her money on drugs and munchies

What is good about this relationship?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 28/01/2018 12:26

If I don’t pay for drinks/cinema etc, we just spend all our time at home watching Netflix while she gets stoned with her housemate.

Oh for god's sake, dump her!

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 28/01/2018 12:28

She does sound immature. No job or money, smokes weed and watches Netflix for fun. Are you sure you meant 27 and not 17? Does she have any real plans for the future or goals? Is this what she wants to do when she’s 37?

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 28/01/2018 12:30

FWIW though it doesn’t sound like she’s using you. Just sounds like she’s a bit useless. I doubt she’ll change at this age but if you have a serious talk you could give her a try?

YetAnotherUser · 28/01/2018 12:30

It's a LTB from me. It might limp on for a while longer if you let it, but this relationship has gone lame.

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 28/01/2018 12:39

Do you think she is likely to change?

One of my first proper boyfriends was similar and it got so bad I exploded at him one day - he wasn't bothered by unpaid bills, late rent, borrowing off friends, etc. It had become my responsibility. He told me I was boring, but I felt pushed into a parental role.

I moved out and realised how much pressure he'd put on me to deal with everything. I realised how it was less chaotic without him and how less stressed I was. He didn't deal with things, made a lot of effort to get back with me and then blamed me for him getting evicted. He was on a much higher income but I was the one subsidising his lifestyle.

I did feel guilty about it but he quickly found another mug to leach off. He's had a series of failed relationships since and as far as I know from mutual friends - it's the same old story. He hasn't changed.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 28/01/2018 12:42

Oh dear, this just isn't working out is it.
I think if you stay together, your choice, you'll never move forwards in life.
You sound pretty clued up to me, your girlfriend will bleed you dry !

Sparkletastic · 28/01/2018 12:48

Sounds like the relationship has run its natural course and you are no longer compatible.

helpmum2003 · 28/01/2018 12:51

I totally agree - end the relationship - you are worth more.

gamerchick · 28/01/2018 12:54

She's a druggie, might explain where her money goes.

I couldn't be bothered, how long can you be for?

MissionItsPossible · 28/01/2018 12:54

Break up because it sounds you are unhappy but from your OP you come across as quite boastful and cocky imo!

BewareOfDragons · 28/01/2018 12:56

The relationship sounds all about HER. And you have the privilege of paying for it being all about HER.

Why are you still there?

You deserve better. Get out.

Trills · 28/01/2018 13:04

I don't think it really matters if she is taking advantage of you or not, because it seems as if you don't particularly want to be with her.

You can break up with her just because you don't want to be with her -you don't need "she was taking advantage" as your excuse.

ADishBestEatenCold · 28/01/2018 13:13

Do you live together? If so, would she/you be happy for you to manage all the household income for the meantime (with a view to her pro-actively learning to manage properly)?

If so, then there is a way forward.

If you are not living together (or if she/you wouldn't be happy to have you manage the money) then I think you have to at least opt for totally separate finances, pay for nothing beyond your own liabilities.

Even then, it sounds like a meagre existence and perhaps the relationship has run it's course ...unless there is huge commitment to try (and it doesn't sound as if she is willing to do that).

Two other things occur to me.
One, is this new behavior? Could she be suffering from depression?
Two, (if equal effort were being put into the relationship) her level of education should not matter to you. If it does, perhaps you are not the right people for each other.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 28/01/2018 13:18

I should preface this with the fact that my girlfriend is head over heels for me

For you? Or for your taking care of her so she doesn't have to, for your providing her with food and a phone and her entertainment and generally being Bank of Girlfriend so that she can spend her money on drugs???

You say she's head over heels for you, but you don't say you feel the same about her. I'm not surprised. Leave her to stand on her own two feet (or find another doormat) and find someone who will love and cherish and share with you.

mumsy1014 · 28/01/2018 13:26

It was the getting stoned that did it for me. My ex from many years ago was the same he never had any money quite simply because he spent it on drugs. Is this why she doesn't have money? For me it doesn't sound like a relationship I would want to be in.

Angrybird345 · 28/01/2018 13:45

So she can pay for drugs but not bills and food. Drop her and move on, she’s a loser and having you over.

cherryontopp · 28/01/2018 13:53

She's taking the piss, pure and simple.

She sounds like a bum with no motivation, but then again she won't need any if you keep footing the bill.

She sounds lazy, selfish and a scrounger. Everythinga about her and you just have to pay for it. Of course shes head over heels for you, she does next to nothing and your supporting her

Definitely a dump her from me