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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to be. Godparent just once?!!!

45 replies

SecretDisneyAddict · 27/01/2018 19:57

First off: I know I cannot dictate how other people think/act.
But I'm hurt and I feel that one of my friends at some point should realise how upset I am...

I had my daughter when I was in my very early 20's. Many of my friends 'dumped' me- I was just back from uni, they thought I'd thrown my life away, they wanted to see the world and do amazing independent things... I couldn't and they ghosted me one by one. My abusive boyfriend and I split up, I was a homeless single mum with a baby. So I get it.
3 of my amazing friends were great. They lived far away but if I needed a cry or to share my daughters milestones with someone, they were always there. I made them all my daughters god parents.

We now live much closer to each other and now we are mid 30's, they each now have young children of their own. We are all close, see each other all the time, our kids are like cousins.
All 3 have given their children (6 combined) 3 God parents. And none of them have asked me.

I work with kids, they all say I've done an amazing job on my own, that my daughter is a credit to me, that I've made a great life for us with zero input from her dad.

So why aren't I good enough to be a godparent?!!!!
I'm so upset about it.

I organised baby showers for 2 of them, I babysit, I've been to baby scans when the dads haven't been able to go, I've cried with them through IVF, and cried with happiness with them at every single positive pregnancy test.
Why aren't I good enough?

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 27/01/2018 20:00

Are you religious? One of my friends was upset not to be chosen by another, but the parent took her religion seriously (you wouldn’t necessarily know it) and only chose people of the same religion as the point is guide the child in their spiritual life. The godparents are not who the child would go to in event of the parents death.

Caulk · 27/01/2018 20:02

Are you involved at your church? All of my god children have been the children of friends at church rather than friends from work or family.

Teaformeplease · 27/01/2018 20:03

Some people take but don't give back.
You sound fab and would make a much better Godparent than the ones I chose for my dd who don't bother with her. (I might be a little bitter about it).

PaperdollCartoon · 27/01/2018 20:04

Yes, are you Christian? Have you and they had proper Christenings for your children or is this just a ‘we’ll call you a Godparent thing’? Which drives me nuts, no Christening, no Godparents.

TittyGolightly · 27/01/2018 20:05

I have turned down being a godparent, and had to explain to the parent asking that as an atheist and church refuser a godparent was the last thing I could be to their child. Happy to support, happy to mentor, happy to be the person named in the will to look after the kids if anything happened to them but absolutely no way I could take part in a religious way.

They hadn’t realised what a godparent was. Hmm

Original poster
SecretDisneyAddict · 27/01/2018 20:11

Nope, I'm not religious, neither are they, neither are the godparents they chose.
All our kids have had church christenings as babies- more out of tradition than religious intentions. We've talked about it lots at various times over the years.
I feel that they view it as I do- to tighten relationships with each other's children, becoming more like aunties and uncles from outside the actual family in a more official capacity.

OP posts:
Caulk · 27/01/2018 20:14

If this is about wanting to be a god parent then get involved at your local Anglican Church.

If this is about feeling let down in your friendships then talk to them about it - if you’re close enough to be like surrogate family then I bet you’re close enough to tell them how you feel.

FissionChips · 27/01/2018 20:15

You probably won’t even still be friends with most of them in 20 years time. Let it go, you’re not even religious.

Original poster
SecretDisneyAddict · 27/01/2018 20:19

We've been friends for 18 years already, why wouldn't we be friends in 20 years @fissionchips??

OP posts:
DancesWithOtters · 27/01/2018 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
SecretDisneyAddict · 27/01/2018 20:26

Because tradition.
And see my previous post.

OP posts:
FissionChips · 27/01/2018 20:26

We've been friends for 18 years already, why wouldn't we be friends in 20 years

Well, if you feel wobbly just because you’re not a godparent then I assume that the friendships are not that strong.

Original poster
SecretDisneyAddict · 27/01/2018 20:34

I don't see your logic @fissionchips.

I am wondering if it's to do with the fact I'm a single mum, not that they don't value me as a friend.

We are like one big family, we and our children are all very close, as I explained.
They have each other as godparents to the others children, the children all have the grown ups as their godparents, but I feel left out for not having this link.

The latest baby to be christened in a couple of weeks has a soon to be godparent outside our our circle described by my friend as 'really all about her' and said candidates partner as 'standoffish'.... But they still chose them over me 😪

OP posts:
Thirtyrock39 · 27/01/2018 20:42

I agree with the previous poster who said it could be the religious angle. People can be very private about their beliefs and this may be something that is more important to them than you realise. I recently became a godparent and was very conscious of how much emphasis is on the religious / spiritual side of things.

Voice0fReason · 27/01/2018 20:45

I don't understand how atheists can go through a religious ceremony, promising to raise a child into the religion. They have to lie the whole way through it. Complete waste of time.

Friends realising that you are desperate to be a godparent is not a good reason to choose you. I'm sure you are great friends but they also have other friends and there might be any number of reasons why they have chosen other people.

TheQueenOfWands · 27/01/2018 20:48

Having a religious ceremony when you're not religious is kind of rude.

I'm not religious, but I accept other people's sacred space.

If you're not religious why do you want to be a godparent? That's odd.

Original poster
SecretDisneyAddict · 27/01/2018 20:50

Ok well I'm odd then.

OP posts:
Ca55andraMortmain · 27/01/2018 20:58

You're getting a rough ride here op. I totally understand where you're coming from and I would be really upset in the same situation, especially as they are all godparents to each others children. If you're very close is it the kind of thing you could gently bring up? It would drive me mad not knowing the reason.

As for everyone saying you shouldn't want to be a godparent if you aren't religious, plenty of people christen their babies for the sake of tradition rather than religious belief, it's not unusual at all. And the godparents in that situation are basically people who are promising to stand by your child and love and support them through their life, which you have been doing and will continue to do so yanbu for being upset by the fact that no one has acknowledged this.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 27/01/2018 21:01

Have any of them picked single parents to be god parents; or is it all couples? Does it tend to be people both they and their partners are close to, and is that the case for you and their partners?

I have no idea why they haven't asked you; but sadly, there's not much you can do. It's not a reciprocal agreement and there's no real way you can ask.

Maybe try and take some credit from the fact that they share with you and appreciate you. You are clearly a valued friend; with or without being a godparent.

IrenetheQuaint · 27/01/2018 21:05

Are you close to the children? That's what really matters. I am much closer to my friend's DS than his useless godparents are.

llangennith · 27/01/2018 21:07

I understand how you feel op. Maybe they’re choosing as godparents people who have similar age children to their own. I don’t think it a deliberate thing.

pioe · 27/01/2018 21:41

Can you ask them?

taskmaster · 28/01/2018 12:01

Many of my friends 'dumped' me- I was just back from uni, they thought I'd thrown my life away, they wanted to see the world and do amazing independent things... I couldn't and they ghosted me one by one

What a weird way to see that. Ghosted? AS if they did something awful to you? No, they just naturally drifted away as you were in totally different places in life. Simple as that.

HRTpatch · 28/01/2018 12:04

Weird to have a christening and not be religious.

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 28/01/2018 12:05

Why on earth would someone who is non religious stand in a church and promise in front of a god they don't believe in to bring their child up in the way of that religion? It's baffling.

Have you asked these close friends do why you weren't chosen?