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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

speaking with mother of aggressive b-in-law

43 replies

duringthelastterm · 27/01/2018 18:39

So it's a really horrible situation, b-in-law threatened dh 3 years ago with violence, we were horrified / stunned and reacted by keeping the hell out of the way. Unfortunately this hasn't worked really and b-in-law was verbally aggressive to me today to the point that I was shaking and dd's were crying. B-in-law has anger-management issues and a reputation for being aggressive. B-in-law's mother is very active in the local church community and respected and her son is very close to her. I am so sick of this bullying and plan to visit her to inform her of what her son's behaviour. I hate confrontion but need to do something AIBU to go to her when it's her son who is causing the problem?

OP posts:
ShiftyMcGifty · 27/01/2018 18:42

Yes you’re being unreasonable. What are you trying to achieve?

Do you think she can physically restrain him or ground him? He’s an adult.

Or do you want to have a go at her for raising him and tell her what a shite mother she is?

Original poster
duringthelastterm · 27/01/2018 18:45

I want him to be ashamed that his mother knows about his behaviour and to stop.

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 27/01/2018 18:47

If his mother has been overlooking/ignoring his behaviour. All you will do is put yourself in the firing line for more abuse.

Do the sensible thing, go NC.

NewYearNewMe18 · 27/01/2018 18:48

You think she doesn't know already? These wont be the first incidents of it. She is quite likely to be a recipient of his behaviours.

If he threatened you, then go to the police and report it.

Mossbystrand · 27/01/2018 18:50

You don't call his mum like you would do with a child who has misbehaved. You call the police and lodge a complaint about his threatening behaviour. I'm surprised you haven't involved the police yet, he will increase his violent and intimidating behaviour unless you report him.

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/01/2018 18:50

She may also have supported him as the golden child so has encouraged these behaviors.

Original poster
duringthelastterm · 27/01/2018 18:50

I have tried minimal contact but want dd's to have time with their cousins plus they live on the same street. Believe me, if it was just me it would be nc. The man is a bully and is causing distress to us, I have to turn to someone to stop it.

OP posts:
WunWun · 27/01/2018 18:52

If he's threatening you in front of your children the police should be the ones to deal with it. Anything else is just stirring up an already shit situation.

Original poster
duringthelastterm · 27/01/2018 18:52

I should have contacted the police 3 years ago with the violent threat, today it was 'just' verbal nastiness and no threat was made, otherwise I would report him.

OP posts:
KimmySchmidt1 · 27/01/2018 18:53

Have you tried talking to his wife? Why is it so hard to avoid them?

He’s a grown Man, I’m not sure what his mother is going to do to help you.

Sounds like it’s just an episode of Eastenders - pointlessly screaming at another woman in the street.

And also aren’t you just taking out the behaviour of a bully on a weaker person? Doesn’t that make you a bully?

Original poster
duringthelastterm · 27/01/2018 18:53

so how do I stop this, it's horrible.

OP posts:
Idontdowindows · 27/01/2018 18:54

Is he your BIL as in husband's brother?

WunWun · 27/01/2018 18:54

Is this your DH's brother or your sister's husband?

Jamiefraserskilt · 27/01/2018 18:55

If this was a random bloke from down the road, you would call the police. His threatening and violent behaviour must be called out. Mother will not be unaware just probably scared to confront him.
You need an injunction to keep him away from you all, your children especially.

Original poster
duringthelastterm · 27/01/2018 18:56

I'm not planning to bully her, I was planning to tell her what has happened and ask her to speak to him, I hate conflict. The wife is not open to the fact that her husband's behaviour is odd.

OP posts:
Mossbystrand · 27/01/2018 18:57

Call the police on the none urgent number now, 101, & tell them he's verbally threatening and intimidating you in front of your children and that you're afraid of what he will do next. Tell them that he has also done the same with your partner and that you're both frightened of any repercussions should he find out that you've reported him to the police. Do it now so that they have it on record for the next time he does it and believe me there will be a next time.

Idontdowindows · 27/01/2018 18:57

What's his mother going to do? It's not going to be a surprise to her that he's a violent arsehole. And to be fair, this is nothing to do with her. Not her job, not her business.

You need the police.

Original poster
duringthelastterm · 27/01/2018 18:57

it's my sister-in-laws husband.

OP posts:
Mossbystrand · 27/01/2018 18:58

If he was acared of his mother and or ashamed of his behaviour he'd have stopped it by now. The fact that he hasn't means he doesn't care about the opinions of others. It's time to involve the police.

NewYearNewMe18 · 27/01/2018 18:59

This will make me unpopular, but it's high time your DH stepped up and protected his family.

'just verbal' is intimidation.

Original poster
duringthelastterm · 27/01/2018 19:01

I don't feel that I can contact the police and say my husband was threatened 3 years ago and that he has been vile /shouting at me today. Am I wrong, sorry for sounding so rubbish just feel crap.

OP posts:
SoIAskYou · 27/01/2018 19:02

Ringing 101 sounds like a reasonable action. You're not reporting an immediate danger (hopefully) but you are asking for advice and see what they say.

ConfusedButInLove · 27/01/2018 19:05

Can you not arrange to see sil and her dc for a play date without him there?

Original poster
duringthelastterm · 27/01/2018 19:05

Thanks everyone, we will let him know any more of this behaviour and we will contact the police with details of intimidation.

OP posts:
WunWun · 27/01/2018 19:06

How does he treat your sister in law?