Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

speaking with mother of aggressive b-in-law

43 replies

duringthelastterm · 27/01/2018 18:39

So it's a really horrible situation, b-in-law threatened dh 3 years ago with violence, we were horrified / stunned and reacted by keeping the hell out of the way. Unfortunately this hasn't worked really and b-in-law was verbally aggressive to me today to the point that I was shaking and dd's were crying. B-in-law has anger-management issues and a reputation for being aggressive. B-in-law's mother is very active in the local church community and respected and her son is very close to her. I am so sick of this bullying and plan to visit her to inform her of what her son's behaviour. I hate confrontion but need to do something AIBU to go to her when it's her son who is causing the problem?

OP posts:

Mossbystrand · 27/01/2018 19:06

Have you considered that his mother might side with him and also that his behaviour will escalate further if you involve his family? I understand that this is difficult for you but you need to seek legal advice now for your own sake and for your children.

Booboobooboo84 · 27/01/2018 19:06

So this is your husbands sisters husband your talking about?

I would go absolutely nc and I wouldn’t hide the reason why if anyone asked. Your children need to grow up to learn abusive behaviour so unacceptable and people who behave like that should get cut off. His children need to learn the same. Or they will learn from him. Your children deserve to be protected

Mossbystrand · 27/01/2018 19:08

No don't tell him that you'll inform the police next time as he'll probably try to prevent you from doing it. You just call the police, there's no need to inform him so he can be on his best behaviour and deny all wrong doing.

WunWun · 27/01/2018 19:11

God No, definitely don't tell him you're going to report it.

Schlimbesserung · 27/01/2018 19:11

Telling his mum on him isn't likely to help. Either his mum knows but makes excuses for him, knows and it's normal in his family, or thinks he's an angel. If she confronts him it could escalate things and she could be at risk or he could actually hurt you. If she doesn't believe you then it will just add to the stress.
Report the most recent incident, give the background and have a phone handy to film him every single time he is likely to become abusive.

rothbury · 27/01/2018 19:12

I really wouldn't go running to his mummy to tell on him.

I would steer well clear and be totally NC. Can you not move?

Agree with PP - police if anything else but I wouldn't bother telling him, you shouldn't have to warn people not to abuse you.

By allowing your DC to play with his you are maintaining the contact. what does DH sister (assume this is the relation?) say about it all?

Original poster

duringthelastterm · 27/01/2018 19:13

getting confused here, sorry it's been a horrible day. I figured if I tell him I will speak to the police he will be terrified ( he is spineless) and similarly that's why I wanted his mother to speak with him.

OP posts:

Original poster

duringthelastterm · 27/01/2018 19:15

dh sister is a complicated person and backs her husband and ignores strange things. They are hard work, it may be that we do have to move because this is crazy.

OP posts:

NewYearNewMe18 · 27/01/2018 19:16

I'm lost on this one. If he's just a gobshite but spineless, he's not going to actually physically harm anyone is he? Why ther furore? Report him and be done with it.

Idontdowindows · 27/01/2018 19:17

Just talk to the police. It's no using going "if you're a bad boy I'll talk to your mum", really it isn't. His mum is most likely very aware, his wife is going to be on his side, just report him.

Original poster

duringthelastterm · 27/01/2018 19:18

thanks I will, think I've got a bit lost in it all and just need advice, I hate it.

OP posts:

HoppyHannah · 27/01/2018 19:26

Has your husband anything to say about this.

Coyoacan · 27/01/2018 19:34

OP, sometime we have to lose the good with the bad. You want your children to still see their cousins, despite the risk to your physical integrity? Your children will have to forego seeing their cousins under these circumstances.

gamerwidow · 27/01/2018 19:42

You need to talk to the police not his mum. He is an adult his behaviour has nothing to do with her. What do you think she's going to be able to do about the situation?
All you are going to do is make your BIL more angry and he will laugh at you, he is not going to respect someone who runs to his mother to tell tales.
It is awful what you are going through and he has no right to make you feel scared like this but really this won't solve anything.
Go completely no contact it's hard but I had to do the same when my sister was in a relationship with a violent man, I didn't want to lose my sister and DNs but I wasn't prepared to put my DH and DC at risk either.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 27/01/2018 19:48

It literally won’t make a difference. By all means tell her, but she’ll minimise it. It’s her son who she’s very close to. Possibly due to his issues she’ll feel he needs “protecting” more.

I speak from an incredibly similar experience. I love my MIL to pieces but involving her in the situation did not make me feel any better. If anything, more frustrated.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/01/2018 19:56

Your bils mother knows. She will deny it and/or become your enemy. It doesn’t matter that she is a well respected in the community.

DistanceCall · 27/01/2018 20:32

You can't stop this. His mother isn't going to come over and scold him and everything will be all right.

I wouldn't allow my children to play with the children of a man who threatened my husband with violence. Sorry.

And no, there's nothing you can do about it.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/01/2018 21:01

So this is your husband's sister's husband. What do your iLs have to say about this man, their daughter's husband? Does he verbally abuse them, too? Is he screaming at you/DH in front of the iLs?

Would your DH agree to go NC with this man, even to the extent of not visiting his parents if he's going to be there? Because that's what I'd be doing, whether my DH liked it or not. Neither I nor my children would step foot anywhere I knew this man was, or was going to be, present.

Flip

1 2