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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To take a 3 month old to a funeral

29 replies

Abneyandteal19 · 27/01/2018 14:13

Need to go from Edinburgh to London for a family funeral sadly. Have a 3 month old baby that I have never left for long and feel uncomfortable doing so, she is FF so it’s possible to leave her but don’t want to, AIBU to take her to London for essentially 24hrs on a plane (maybe even less) to attend funeral? Do you think this amount of travelling is unfair on such a small baby? Or is it better for her to be with me (and lessen my anxiety etc)

OP posts:

SisterMoonshine · 27/01/2018 14:15

Take her with you

Kentnurse2015 · 27/01/2018 14:16

Just take her!

specialsubject · 27/01/2018 14:17

Sorry for your loss. Take her, as long as you are prepared to take her out of the service immediately if she starts howling.

She's too young to know what is going on but the new life symbolised by a baby is a great comfort. As long as the funeral isn't for a.child and it is OK with the immediate mourners.

If she helps you, even better.

retirednow · 27/01/2018 14:23

Let the airline know your situation and you may well get upgraded or have priority check-in, it is not much but does help. Its a short flight, are you staying in London overnight. Like special says I wouldn't take a baby to a child's funeral.

notanaturalmum · 27/01/2018 14:28

Sorry for your loss.
I took my baby to DH's nans funeral at about 3 months and he brought such joy (if that's the right word) to everyone's faces. It felt surreal - almost circle of life like.
We sat at the back at the church and the cream so we could escape easily if needed.

Cornettoninja · 27/01/2018 14:28

I think if it's okay with the immediate family then it's fine.

The short flight will be fine - my dd tends to sleep just like she does in a car (although we were sprinted through security at Heathrow when she started tantrumming (much older than your baby obviously) which was a mixed blessing!)

We regularly did/do a 2+hour car journey, not including breaks, from when she was tiny and I think short flights are much better than that.

Original poster

Abneyandteal19 · 27/01/2018 14:28

Thank you,
Yes of course I would take her out immediately if any crying etc totally understand that,

No the funeral is for an adult- I can see how inappropriate it would be if it were for a child.

Depending on flights I may go the night before or early morning on the day and back the same evening.

Thank you for the info about the airline- I’ve not flown with a baby before

OP posts:

MadRainbow · 27/01/2018 14:29

Definitely take her, she will give you something to focus on, unless as PP have said and it's a child's funeral.

Sorry for your loss

TheAntiBoop · 27/01/2018 14:30

I think it does depend on who the funeral is for and how close you are etc - could you ask?

In terms of flying - 3 months isn't too bad an age because they aren't mobile! I would definitely try to do it over two days though as it will be exhausting for you both physically and emotionally

LondonStill83 · 27/01/2018 14:33

Op I have done that trip a few times with a baby- from about two months onwards. It's MUCH easier on the train, and almost just as quick from door to door. Could you take the train?

TheLegendOfBeans · 27/01/2018 14:34

3 months flying with a baby is easy.

Just give her a feed or dummy on take off & landing as the sooking stops their ears going crazy with cabin pressure. Young babies are very vulnerable to this.

I sound like a snob but don’t fly budget if poss. BA bent over backward to help me when I was travelling with DD when she was a baby & the help was with the extra 30% cost on top of easyJet etc. The budgets just don’t have the time or capacity to give the wee bit extra that can mean so much.

Sorry you’re travelling in such crap circumstances.

retirednow · 27/01/2018 14:42

Maybe the train would be better, I had forgotten about their little eardrums, it's a good journey from Edinburgh to London, where is the funeral, you have a lot of travelling and getting across London can be the worst part.

NeilPetark · 27/01/2018 14:43

I took my 5 month old to a funeral, it was fine. He was really settled.

LushBlitzer · 27/01/2018 14:44

Why not ask immediate family members or whoever is organising the funeral? It's just good manners to ask beforehand instead of rocking up with a baby on the day.

Original poster

Abneyandteal19 · 27/01/2018 16:01

Immediate family have said it’s fine to bring baby.

Train not an option as funeral not too far from Heathrow so plane make more sense than trekking across London!

It would be the first time quite a few family memebers have met baby- do you think that’s strange/inappropriate- to meet a new baby for first time at a funeral?? don’t want to look like I’m ‘showing off’ at such a sad occasion?? Or am I overthinking?!

OP posts:

TheAntiBoop · 27/01/2018 16:05

As long as the 'chief mourners' are ok with it I think it's fine.

It really depends on the relationship dynamics within your family

WheresTheHooferDoofer · 27/01/2018 16:05

I took my ebf, 6 week old to a funeral. He was quiet, but I'd have taken him out if he cried.

I dodn't have anyone to leave him with even if I'd been able to express (which I couldn't).

Schroedingerscatagain · 27/01/2018 16:07

We took dd to two funerals as a baby at 3 weeks and 6 months both for older people

As others has said she brought happiness to sad moments and many reflected on the circle of life

We sat at the back to make an escape if necessary but she was an angel, had lots of after funeral cuddles

GinUser · 27/01/2018 16:09

Take baby, fly.
Funeral is saying farewell, from a personal point of view, to the deceased.
If there is a bunfight afterwards a small, related baby is a wonderful cheer up as life goes on.

agentdaisy · 27/01/2018 16:17

As long as it's okay with the immediate family then take her. I've taken my dcs to family members funerals when they were babies and toddlers and they were fine. There was only once that they needed to be taken outside, the rest of the time they were either sat quietly or asleep through the whole thing.

HolyAngelus · 27/01/2018 16:23

Only in England, of all the countries I have ever lived in, have I come across the idea that taking babies or children to funerals is strange, unexpected and needs to be both justified and carefully checked out with the ‘chief mourners’ in advance, as though you were asking about bringing your pet rhino to the theatre or something. I’m still not entirely sure whether it’s fear that a small voice will say ‘Is Nana in that box?’ or that seeing adults cry will permanently damage your offspring — it doesn’t — but from my POV, if children routinely attended funerals, you (collectively) wouldn’t be so apparently embarrassed by death, as though bereavement doesn’t happen to everyone sooner or later, and adults wouldn’t often find themselves attending their first funeral when one of their own parents has died.

blueyacht · 27/01/2018 16:29

Why do people roll their eyes at British sensibilities on a primarily British forum? Also, the OP has made it clear she's in Scotland so the comment "only in England" doesn't apply here - another British sensibility

FuzzyCustard · 27/01/2018 16:30

Yes, if the chief mourners are ok with it and on the condition that you leave if there is any indication that your baby might make any noise during the service. Also that you (as you do seem aware) don't make it all about the baby. There will be people there feeling and expressing their grief and a baby may not be what they want at that particular time.

PeonyTruffle · 27/01/2018 19:35

I took ds to my great grandmothers funeral, when he was around 6 months, people were happy to meet him as he was part of her and she loved the bones of him. When I suggested not bringing him to my Nan (it was her DM that passed) she was completely adamant that she would have wanted him there and he was part of the family and we should bring him.

I think he also bought some welcome relief from an otherwise extremely emotional day.

Agree with PP, sit at the end of a pew/aisle so that you can make a quick getaway of baby gets upset and fussy so as not to disturb the ceremony

WeAllHaveWings · 27/01/2018 20:08

Personally I wouldn’t and during a funeral of a close relative, my dad, I wouldn’t have liked being distracted by baby noises/attention at the back of the room especially during the very difficult parts of the service. I’d say Ok to take to the wake, but not the service.

You arent going to know if every chief mourner, or those close to the deceased are ok with baby noises so I’d play safe and find someone to watch during the service.

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