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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU asking best friend about starting a family

44 replies

Babybeesmama · 27/01/2018 12:43

Best friend from uni up for weekend with her DH, we are very close & talk about everything. I have 3 DC's they have non.

Back in Nov she had a long & frank chat with me about when is the right time etc as she's worried they don't own a house. She's worried about her age & I said maybe just try & see what happens, they have stable jobs & all would work out. Not really spoken much about it since.

So this morning just me & her in the kitchen & I asked if they'd thought any more about kids... totally bit my head off! Said she's fed up of people asking, fed up of the pressure of her age, doesn't even think she's ready & they aren't trying, said I'm the only one she had told they were thinking about it & now I'm jumping on her. I apologised & said I wasn't meaning to get on her nerves. She went upstairs to her DH & now it's awkward as arse...

WIBU? Pretty certain it's not a case they are trying & it's not happening as we talk about everything & I think she would say. She said she knows about ten people who are pregnant & it's doing her head in.

OP posts:

jubbablub · 27/01/2018 12:46

Sorry, but I think YABU. This is why you just don’t ask that question!

If she has something to tell you, she’ll tell you in her own time.

MoveOnTheCards · 27/01/2018 12:48

I’d put money on them TTC and it’s not working. Been there, done that, found t almost impossible/unbearable to talk to people about it for a while, even my best friend. I’d imagine it would be harder talking about it to a best friend with 3 kids.

Give her space? She’ll open up when she’s ready.

Brokenbiscuit · 27/01/2018 12:48

I know you didn't intend to upset her, but I think it's one of those topics that you shouldn't ask about tbh - wait for her to raise it with you. We never really know what is going on behind the scenes.

She probably feels bad about snapping at you now. Just tell her you're sorry that you upset her and try to move on.

TheStoic · 27/01/2018 12:52

Just a case of bad timing. Although you weren’t to know, she’s obviously at the end of her tether right now.

Halie · 27/01/2018 12:52

To be honest you sounds way too preoccupied about her personal life and about kids/babies. That's not what everyone's life revolves around.

mimibunz · 27/01/2018 12:54

I think you WBR since she had already opened the door to that discussion and you’re best friends! She moved the goalposts without telling you.

MavisPike · 27/01/2018 12:55

I think you were insensitive to ask
you may think they tell you everything....

Original poster

Babybeesmama · 27/01/2018 12:55

Halie I'm not at all & would not of brought it up had she not brought it up herself in November. I really didn't mean to upset her. I'll keep my mouth shut in future. 😓

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 27/01/2018 12:56

Surely you just don't ask...

CheshireSplat · 27/01/2018 12:56

Ah, just give her a big hug and say you only asked following on from your conversation in November. And try to make up.

I agree with Stoic

I think you're getting a hard time on this thread. You didn't ask out of the blue, you'd had a deep and meaningful about it just 2 months ago.

Rainatnight · 27/01/2018 12:57

I don't think you were insensitive to ask. As a PP said, she opened the door to that discussion and it would be weird if you acted like it never happened. However now her feelings have obviously changed, maybe cos she's trying or someone else is on her case.

Can you have a chat with her when she calms down? Say you care about her, and didn't mean to pressurise her but you've been thinking about what she said in November?

Original poster

Babybeesmama · 27/01/2018 12:58

And also rewind to my 3 kids... she was asking me when she knew I was trying... which I didn't mind.

Maybe she is just at the end of her tether... I don't know. Either way I feel shit.

OP posts:

Brighteyes27 · 27/01/2018 13:00

YABVU - imagine the shoe on the other foot for a minute. Maybe they are trying and. Nothing is happening, maybe they are going for tests maybe her partner doesn’t want them,
Take her a cup of tea glass of wine say nothing and give her a hug or a smile. If she wants to bring this up again she will.

formerbabe · 27/01/2018 13:03

You were not being unreasonable seeing as you had previously discussed it.

Flutterbyeee · 27/01/2018 13:06

Don't feel bad. It was a topic you had previously discussed. My guess is she has some feelings about it herself and your question allowed her the space to vent. Take up a cuppa for you both and break the awkward atmosphere.

Plumes · 27/01/2018 13:08

No YANBU as this has previously been a topic of conversation between you two. Also, it's the kind of thing I'd expect my best friend to ask me as we have pretty frank discussions about everything in our lives.

Equally though she is not BU to not want to discuss it anymore if she doesn't want to. She may be sick to the back teeth of random people inquiring as to their plans for starting a family.

Katyb1310 · 27/01/2018 13:08

Given that you discussed it 2 months ago, YANBU. It's only natural to ask how things are when she's already spoken to you in detail about it - very different if you had just randomly asked her. I think maybe they're TTC and having problems or something. Hugs.

WonderLime · 27/01/2018 13:10

I actually don’t think you were being unreasonable at all. She’s your best friend so presumably you share a lot of intimate details of your lives anyway, and she had already initiated this conversation in the past. You had no reason to assume this was a conversation to avoid.

That’s not to say was BU though. She has every right to change her mind and not talk about it.

I think you should go find her, offer a cup of tea, say you are sorry and remind her that you are available to talk if she wants, but if not that’s fine and maybe she’d like to go shopping/ watch some telly/ bake some cookies/ etc with you.

BaffledMummy · 27/01/2018 13:11

Am glad I clicked on this thread. I’m in almost the same position. A good friend opened up to me a few months back about the same and Ive been thinking whether or not I should mention again as I didn’t want her to think I wasn’t interested but didn’t want to stress her out if it’s not happening for her. I’ll leave be judging by the responses but OP I don’t gunk you were being unreasonable. I very nearly may have done the same had I not read this.

Bratsandtwats · 27/01/2018 13:14

Halie I'm not at all & would not of brought it up had she not brought it up herself in November.

TBF, November was a few months ago, it's possible that she could have had a miscarriage in that time. Or she could be struggling to conceive.

Just apologise and leave it at that. Don't feel bad.

MikeUniformMike · 27/01/2018 13:16

YABU for saying 'would of'.

I would guess that they are TTC or just sick of being asked. Apologise and don't mention it again.

mirialis · 27/01/2018 13:17

It wasn't unreasonable but, sorry, it was insensitive to ask.

If you already have dc of your own, it is a subject you leave to the person to bring up, even if that person is your best mate and even if you have discussed the subject a few months before - particularly as during that conversation a few months before, she expressed anxiety and concern about the subject.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/01/2018 13:19

Don’t feel bad you asked as you’re interested in her and her feelings.

M00nUnit · 27/01/2018 13:21

I remember a post on here a while back from someone about how hurt she was that none of her friends had asked her about the fact she was TTC or shown any interest/excitement. It was so weird. However I don't think YABU OP and if she's confided in you about it before it's not unreasonable for you to think you can ask her about it. You're her best friend. I get that she's struggling, so are a lot of people. But she must have known you were just trying to be a caring friend and she didn't need to be so rude to you.

PoorYorick · 27/01/2018 13:23

Pretty certain it's not a case they are trying & it's not happening as we talk about everything & I think she would say.

I think this may suggest that you don't talk about everything, and nor necessarily should you...

This is really why AIBU does drive me a bit mad. Most of the time, the poster can't possibly know what's in the other person's head, but assumes that they do.

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