WIBU asking best friend about starting a family

[Babybeesmama]

Best friend from uni up for weekend with her DH, we are very close & talk about everything. I have 3 DC's they have non.

Back in Nov she had a long & frank chat with me about when is the right time etc as she's worried they don't own a house. She's worried about her age & I said maybe just try & see what happens, they have stable jobs & all would work out. Not really spoken much about it since.

So this morning just me & her in the kitchen & I asked if they'd thought any more about kids... totally bit my head off! Said she's fed up of people asking, fed up of the pressure of her age, doesn't even think she's ready & they aren't trying, said I'm the only one she had told they were thinking about it & now I'm jumping on her. I apologised & said I wasn't meaning to get on her nerves. She went upstairs to her DH & now it's awkward as arse...

WIBU? Pretty certain it's not a case they are trying & it's not happening as we talk about everything & I think she would say. She said she knows about ten people who are pregnant & it's doing her head in.

I’d put money on them TTC and it’s not working.

^Definitely. My friend had the same reaction

I also reckon they're now ttc. I only know a handful of women who are childless by choice. None of them give a shit how many people ask them if they definitely won't come round to the idea. They love talking about how irritating they find kids! When there's no emotion involved it's easy to talk about.

My first ever YABU. 20 years of fertility treatment here so I speak from very personal experience.

Next time, simply ask if there is anything she wishes to talk about

Her reaction doesn’t necessarily mean they’re trying to conceive. But take it from me, being asked constantly about something, particularly if it is a worry, is very frustrating.

It’s hard when that’s the only thing people feel they have to talk to you about.

So, I don’t think YABU but I do understand her reaction. Something like that needs to be brought up in context of conversation or by the person. Try not to feel too upset about it. But maybe do check that she’s ok.

I’d put money on them TTC and it not working, OP. Having been through the same myself recently, it broke my heart when ever anyone asked if we were going to have another.

That’s not to say YABU though, you can’t possibly know unless she’s told you!

I'm not bloody surprised she bit your head off. She was more than entitled to.
I can't believe anyone would have the audacity to ask such a personal and intrusive question.
For all you know she could be yearning for a baby and might be struggling to conceive.
In answer to your question. Yes YABVVVU

Never ask that question you’ve no idea I’d they've tried and failed etc

It's a very sensitive topic for some people. I can understand why she reacted the way she did, especially if lots of other people have been asking.
I also understand that because you two have previously discussed the topic you thought it would be 'safe' to ask. But I suspect somethings have happened meanwhile and it was just a bit too much. I wouldn't worry too much about it and don't take it personally.

I don't think YABU OP.

I am happy and willing to discuss anything and everything with my closest friends. This includes recurrent miscarriages / termination / secondary infertility (different friends obviously)

Maybe you just aren't as close as you used to be??

She’s probably not cross with you, just cross with the situation. I always took it out on those that asked.

Christ, it was only 2 months ago the friend spoke to OP about it, and it doesn't sound like they were TTC at that point, so saying they might be having trouble is a bit premature.

OP was certainly not being unreasonable to carry on the conversation, just a few weeks later.

Having said that, the friend had mentioned her age, so I presume she's possibly late 30s, and will no doubt have had to deal with family and in-laws asking about children over the years. She shouldn't have blown up at OP, as OP was just following on from the previous convo.

OP, I hope you've been able to talk to her now.

I can never think of a time it is ever appropriate to ask anyone (other than your partner or maybe your patient if you are a doctor) when they are considering having children.

If they bring up the subject fair enough, but NEVER EVER raise it. Even if they have mentioned it to you before, if they want to discuss it with you again they will tell you.

So we had a long chat & I apologised again, which she said I didn't need to. She said there's other stuff going on in the marriage not to do with kids - more rocky patch related. She got upset, told her I was here if she wanted to talk about it & apologised again. She said they feel very under pressure from everyone & she's being asked on a daily basis & today just felt teary when I brought it up.

I feel better in one way but just hope they are ok.

I certainly wasn't trying to be nosy or anything else. Shes my best friend & the very last thing I wanted to do was upset her.

I’m in the middle of my 3rd miscarriage, and have an almost 4 year old. Believe me people asking about my plans for more kids is enough to make me dissolve into tears or get visibly irritated at the moment. I haven’t discussed this with people in real life, mainly as I don’t cope well with the sympathetic head nods etc.

I’d put money on them TTC and it’s not working.
Me too.

Pretty certain it's not a case they are trying & it's not happening as we talk about everything & I think she would say.
I wouldn’t be so certain this is the case.

She said she knows about ten people who are pregnant & it's doing her head in. this comment from your friend makes it sound even more likely that she’s TTC and it’s not happening.

YABU it’s very personal and incredibly rude to ask this. Always let other people lead you on such personal things. You may as well have asked her when did she last have a shag...

Speaking as someone who did go through infertility, and a failed IVF, before adopting our DDs, I wouldn't have appreciated being asked, especially by someone who already has DC. Although I wouldn't have bitten their heads off, hopefully.

In your case, though, she did bring up the subject herself and not all that long ago. But it's a very sensitive subject, so it's not something you should ever bring up yourself, though I'm sure you know that now.

Anyway, it sounds like she's ok with you now, which is good to hear.

I don't think yabu. It was a follow on conversation to your bf

To be honest I think she was unreasonable. Being upset and stressed doesn't give anyone the right to just have a go at someone!

She said they feel very under pressure from everyone & she's being asked on a daily basis & today just felt teary when I brought it up

Glad you sorted it out. So now she knows you are always there if she needs to talk about it but you let her bring it up if she wants to from here on.

Being upset and stressed doesn't give anyone the right to just have a go at someone!

Yes, it does actually - if you feel you are close enough to ask her about something she has already expressed concern and anxiety about, you are close enough to suck it up if she shows you that stress in her response and to learn to tread more carefully in future with regard to a subject that, as someone already with 3 kids of your own, you will never understand.