Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to decline destination wedding invitation?

42 replies

stayhomeclub · 26/01/2018 20:01

My friend was a foreign student when we met at uni and now lives abroad in her hometown. She’s got engaged and booked the wedding for later this year, and is now sending out invitations. The wedding will be in a long haul resort destination a couple of hours flight time from her hometown, at least three separate flights, probably about 22 ish hours flight time so not close. It’s looking like an expensive trip and is only a week before my actual summer holiday with my family.

WIBU not to go? My family can’t believe I’m not going, they’re really laying it on about how I should and how you only live once. As background I bought a new house six months ago and am starting work on that so that’s eating up quite a lot of money. I’d also like to have dc soon so I’m also trying to tuck money away (also some zika concerns about the destination I would think). I spent all the time in my last house living hand to mouth while I funded renovations and I know how additional costs add a lot of pressure.

Friend came to my wedding although finances are not an issue for her. We keep in touch via social media but don’t speak directly much. Other friends are planning to go. What do you think?

OP posts:
SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 26/01/2018 20:05

It's your money, spend it how you see fit.

PurpleDaisies · 26/01/2018 20:07

Totally your decision. If you don’t want to go, that’s perfectly valid.

I’ve been to destination weddings and had a brilliant time and declined others. There’s no right or wrong answer.

ReggaetonLente · 26/01/2018 20:08

The zika thing alone would stop me going. In fact it has, in the past. Doctors now recommend waiting 6 months to TTC after visiting an affected country.

Honestly, if you have this kind of wedding, you can't expect everyone to attend. Surely your friend knows this? It won't be a huge shock to her that while doing up a new house you don't have much spare cash.

Also, you don't sound like you want to. It's an awful lot of cash to splash, and time to spend, on something you're not excited about and would not go to.

AntiHop · 26/01/2018 20:08

I wouldn't go under your circumstances. You definitely don't need to feel bad about not going.

MissionItsPossible · 26/01/2018 20:11

Sounds like you've made a lot of excuses** that it comes across like you've made your mind up that you don't want to go. It really is up to you.

**I don't mean excuses negatively in this sense but it reads back like that (to me) so I do apologise

FuzzyCustard · 26/01/2018 20:12

Of course you don't have to go. (I wouldn't)

greenlanes · 26/01/2018 20:18

Do be prepared though for your friendship to change. I was in this situation, only the reverse. I travelled abroad to my friends wedding. I didn't have a lot of money but wanted to support her.

Just a few years later it was my turn to get married and invited her and her husband and another mutual friend. There was also a young child. All the initial feedback was positive so we included them in the final invites but they all declined fairly close to the wedding citing cost. We didn't pay for them to attend but it was far too late to be able to invite others. They have never been to see me since. I have travelled again to their country and did see them. The superficial friendship was great again but it doesn't stick somehow. It seems quite one-sided.

Is your family holiday already booked or could that not be put on hold this year?

FlashTheSloth · 26/01/2018 20:27

I refused to travel to a siblings destination wedding so no, YANBU. I think it's selfish when people expect others to spend ££££ to attend a wedding.

Skowvegas · 26/01/2018 20:27

I had a destination wedding (because it was a requirement of my visa rather than because that's what I wanted).

Some friends came. Some friends couldn't make it. I totally understood. 19 years later we are still good friends.

TickyTakky · 26/01/2018 20:29

I wouldn't go. I don't think you need a list of reasons not to. The fact it's long haul is good enough. Send a card and your apologies.

ptumbi · 26/01/2018 20:37

You'd really spend money that you don't want to, spend time that you don';t want to, to go to a place that you don't want to, - all becasue your family say you should? Hmm

Of course you don't need to go. Your decision.

I'd say - the 'destination' will still be there in 10 years, when I've done the house-buying, children bearing, what-I-want-to-do first....

LouLouLove · 26/01/2018 20:39

There should be no expectations to attend a destination wedding, especially one that far away, you can send a nice note and even a gift but you don't need to be there.

BattleaxeGalactica · 26/01/2018 20:47

The travelling alone sounds hideous. Add in all the other factors and it would be a resounding 'no' from me.

If your family are that bothered maybe you could nominate a rep from their ranks? At their own expense, natch.

Riverside2 · 26/01/2018 20:51

If you don't want to go, don't
Sounds like they are applying their idea of good time, good use of cash etc to you
We're all different
Do what you want to do

AcrossthePond55 · 26/01/2018 20:52

If the 'resort destination' is someplace I really wanted to see and the family would enjoy, I'd consider combining with my family holiday (booking days before or after the wedding for us all at the resort), I'd consider it if I was able to change my holiday days off. Otherwise I'd politely decline. All the reasons you've given (zika, new house, holiday finances, etc) are valid reasons for declining an invite.

bananagrabber · 26/01/2018 21:06

Is it actually on the Zika risk list?
We were put off going somewhere due to someone mistakenly assuming it was a zika area - it wasn't.
www.gov.uk/guidance/zika-virus-country-specific-risk

(obviously if it is you can still ttc, just put it off a bit longer)

badcopgoodcop · 26/01/2018 21:07

I think it's selfish when people expect others to spend ££££ to attend a wedding.

How is it selfish to get married at a place you like near where you live? Someone will always have to travel, not all of us only have friends within 5 miles of our house! Besides, no-one "expects" anyone to do anything; they invite you and you can be grateful and go or politely decline the invitation. I think it's much more entitled to get annoyed with friends who decide to get married at a place they love and to not even feel happy to be invited! Seriously, half of MN seems to think every wedding should be organised around them (e.g. kids must be allowed, must be close by, must be grateful that I'm going and spending money on a new outfit). Whatever happened to just being delighted for a friend who is getting wed and making an effort to support them?!

OP, it sounds like you don't really want to go so don't, it's totally up to you. Destination weddings can be a lot of fun though and going is a way to show this friend how much you appreciate her and want to share her special day with her. I'd never miss a good friend's wedding but I know not everyone shares that opinion. I'm sure she'll understand but will probably still be upset not to see you especially if it's been a while.

Desmondo2016 · 26/01/2018 21:09

You're over complicating it. You've been invited to something a) do you want to go and b) can you afford/manage practically to go.

If there's a no on there then don't go. If they're both a yes then book those flights! What other people thinl is irrelevant.

kateandme · 26/01/2018 21:09

with all you've said I think youd be talking yourself into going where as from what ive read in your post you already know what you want to do and think is right deep down.
don't let other people opinions change what is right for you.
surely if she is a friend she will know that a destination wedding might bring up issues for certain guests.
talk to her one to one about it.let her know you would love to come but just cant make it work with finances and things comig up for and having just bought a house its all come together at a time you cant make it work.dont ignore or avoid it,make sure she knows you love and wish her the best time,that you would go if there was a way but this year and at this time it just cant work.
its your decision and your reason all seem valid for not going to this one.
you could always say when things are back on track youll come out or she must come to you for a good time/holiday together.

ArcheryAnnie · 26/01/2018 21:09

You don't need to go, and as long as you decline in good time, I don't see why it would affect your friendship at all.

museumum · 26/01/2018 21:10

Entirely up to you. I wouldn’t really want to go abroad to a resort with a British couple.
But abroad to another country (South America?) where the couple are native would be such an interesting cultural experience. I’d be more interested in that.

altiara · 26/01/2018 21:12

I wouldn’t go. It’s fine for your family to say you only live once, but you need a lot of money and time to “only live once”!
You have your own priorities so it’s not unreasonable to not go to a wedding 22 hours and 3 flights away!

Knittedfairies · 26/01/2018 21:14

She's sent you an invitation, not a summons.

Thistlebelle · 26/01/2018 21:18

It’s nothing to do with your family.

Send a very polite decline and a very nice present.

Job done.

Lindy2 · 26/01/2018 21:25

I wouldn't go. I'm not keen on going on holiday for weddings and being stuck with lots of other wedding guests all staying at the same place. I prefer to choose when and where I travel and with whom.
You have a whole list of valid reasons why it's not a good idea for you to go. It doesn't sound like you particularly want to either.
I'm not quite sure what is it to do with your family anyway? You're the person invited and who makes the choice to go or not, not them. Are they invited too?

Swipe left for the next trending thread