AIBU to decline destination wedding invitation?

[stayhomeclub]

My friend was a foreign student when we met at uni and now lives abroad in her hometown. She’s got engaged and booked the wedding for later this year, and is now sending out invitations. The wedding will be in a long haul resort destination a couple of hours flight time from her hometown, at least three separate flights, probably about 22 ish hours flight time so not close. It’s looking like an expensive trip and is only a week before my actual summer holiday with my family.

WIBU not to go? My family can’t believe I’m not going, they’re really laying it on about how I should and how you only live once. As background I bought a new house six months ago and am starting work on that so that’s eating up quite a lot of money. I’d also like to have dc soon so I’m also trying to tuck money away (also some zika concerns about the destination I would think). I spent all the time in my last house living hand to mouth while I funded renovations and I know how additional costs add a lot of pressure.

Friend came to my wedding although finances are not an issue for her. We keep in touch via social media but don’t speak directly much. Other friends are planning to go. What do you think?

Thinking of it simply I would like to go, I know if I went I would have a really good time. It’s not somewhere I want to go particularly but I know I would really enjoy it with my friends.

Practically I can’t afford it if I’m totally honest and that stings a bit, I feel like a bad friend and that this might affect my friendship, and I would hate it to do so.

Zika risk is moderate, I’d probably need to learn more about that.

I’ve not said anything or responded yet, have been doing a touch of eBay selling to raise a few pounds!

One of my kids said they were planning a destination wedding. I said how lovely, hope you have a great time but unfortunately I won't be able to attend. Everyone was horrified but when you get told things like, "If you're careful you could do it for £6k." it does put some people off. If I am spending £6k I want to choose what to spend it on.

In the end it didn't happen.

It is your money, you work for it so you decide how to spend it.

Doctors now recommend waiting 6 months to TTC after visiting an affected country.

Out of curiosity what to residents of zika affected countries do?

Stop breeding?

Fwiw I've just had to decline an invitation to my siblings wedding in Asia. It would have cost at least 5k for us to go. I've been made to feel guilty and I'd have loved to have been there but I've had to say no.
I keep repeating to myself "it's an invitation not a demand" and they knew it was unlikely we'd be there but it doesn't help feeling like a shit sister.

22 fucking hours for a party? No.

We were sent a wedding invitation to my husband’s nephew's wedding and it had two boxes to tick, one said ‘We can’t go but we will be praying for you' and the other said, ‘We will be coming’. Not able to attend and being atheists I just dropped the bloody thing in the bin.

Doctors now recommend waiting 6 months to TTC after visiting an affected country.

This doesn't necessarily match with the advice linked upthread (there is specific advice for each country/risk level) nor with what I was told when having IVF. Also it depends if it's the man or woman visiting the country. Please do your own research!

It does sound like you don't really want to go. Is your 'family holiday' with your parents/siblings? (from your posts it doesn't sound like you have any DCs yet). Could you not just miss that?

Are those saying you should go offering you any of the money towards it? Have you said "I just can't afford it" to them?

Personally I’d just say no and if asked just say you can’t really afford it right now and buy a nice gift instead. It wouldn’t appeal to me

I don't think you can call this a 'destination' wedding when she's just getting married near where she lives. Destination wedding suggests people chosing to go abroad to get married, not someone getting near their home that happens to be overseas.

Yanbu.

I had a destination wedding and with that I had no expectations about who would or could attend. Would never have dreamed of being off with anyone who couldn’t come.

I wouldn’t go either from what you have said, send a nice card and gift and leave it at that. Don’t go feeling guilty, your reasons are valid x

*Out of curiosity what to residents of zika affected countries do?

Stop breeding?*

I asked this when I was referred to the School of Tropical Medicine, after becoming pregnant 5.5 months after my husband and I visited South America. I was told that if they're rich enough, they may be able to 'mosquito proof' their homes, and seek extra prenatal care. Other than that, live with the risk.

Yes OP, it's only 6 months if your partner travels with you. If it's just you, you'd only have to wait 8 weeks. Interesting what a PP was told about IVF - my friend and her partner plan to start IVF in the summer and just got back from a one last blowout holiday in Mexico. They've had to time it that way because she was told they couldn't start treatment until 6 months had passed.

It's your choice and nobody's business (other than the person who invited you) whether/why you're attending. You don't beed to, explain yourself to anyone. It's a huge ask to spend so much,it the most important day in your friend's life but you have your own life too.

If I really want to do something I move heaven and earth to do it. If I'm not prepared to do that I have my answer. Btw, I'm in the you only live once and are a long time dead camp.

If you’re not planning on TTC for six months then don’t let Zika freak you out. I caught (?) Zika in St Lucia in 2016 and had no issues at all as I wasn’t planning on getting pregnant - literally just some joint aches at night and some bruises took longer to heal.

The other way to look at it op is that if you are planning on starting a family etc this is your last chance for a big long haul holiday alone.

You may love it.