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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel attracted to another man?

48 replies

VerityMay · 26/01/2018 11:12

I've been married for over a decade. My husband is a good man who does a lot for me. I suffer from depression and he puts up with me getting upset and stressed, I feel grateful to him.

I've become really involved with a new hobby and made lots of new friends through this. There is a group of us that meet up regularly, several times a week. One of the men, well if I was single I would be hoping that he and I could get together. He likes me and pays me a lot of attention.

My AIBU is really - am I wrong to be enjoying imagining being with him? I've not done anything at all with him but it is nice to feel admired and I've fantasised a bit about us getting together, which is exciting.

OP posts:
EggsonHeads · 26/01/2018 11:15

You are entitled to your private thoughts and feelings so long as you keep them private.

PsychoPumpkin · 26/01/2018 11:20

Its not really about reason is it? It’s a crush, it can be harmless if you don’t act on it and don’t start thinking the grass is greener with him.

NancyDonahue · 26/01/2018 11:21

Of course it's ok to be attracted to other men. You still find your husband attractive though, yes?

Original poster
VerityMay · 26/01/2018 11:30

I sometimes find my husband attractive, sometimes wish he was a bit different. I think part of me has always thought that it is a shame that relationships need to be monogamous, but know that my husband would not agree with this, so not felt like acting on it.

OP posts:
peachgreen · 26/01/2018 12:10

It's natural to be attracted to other people occasionally. But if you want to protect your marriage and remain faithful in it (and only you can decide if that's what you want), I personally would stop or limit contact with anyone I was attracted to. And I certainly wouldn't indulge in daydreaming about them.

ThatsMyCow · 26/01/2018 12:13

Being married or in a relationship won't make people blind to good looking people or attraction, it's just wrong if it's acted on without a prior agreement to an open relationship.
Lots of people do feel the way you do about monogamy, but lots of people disagree, so it's not abnormal, it's just wrong if you so something and it isn't something you've both agreed is OK.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/01/2018 12:13

You can't help what you feel I guess but be very careful that's I'll say.

unsurenow · 26/01/2018 12:18

It depends on whether you and your husband believe in monogamy, or whether you believe it is possible/healthy to derive different aspects of our needs from different people. Neither is easy or problem free but I am hesitant to put a top down moralistic ethical label of approval on monogamy and nothing but

Original poster
VerityMay · 26/01/2018 12:25

I generally agree with you unsurenow but haven't seen any great examples of open relationships, it seems like they lead to heartache all around. That doesn't mean that they never work though, would be interesting to hear otherwise. It's a moot point anyhow, as my husband is not open minded about this at all, which I knew before I married him.

It's nice to feel attractive, and the beginning stages of a relationship are exciting, I guess I need to come to terms with the fact that I've chosen to give up that exciting feeling and won't have that again.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 26/01/2018 12:25

You can't help how you feel but you need to be careful. Especially as your DH does believe in monogamy, even if you sometimes feel you don't.

It might be difficult to resist the temptation.

Original poster
VerityMay · 01/02/2018 20:04

Since posting here, I've read other old threads when people have had crushes on other people when they're married.

I've been reminding myself of all the great qualities of my DH. I've also tried to talk to him about if he's ever felt attracted to anyone else, or imagined being with someone else (it was related to a TV program we were watching). He said not, I think he's telling the truth, it would fit with his personality.

I'm still pretty much feeling the same though. I didn't see the man yesterday for the first time in a while, today he gave me a present for helping him with something. Part of me really wishes I was single, but the rational part knows how good I've got things currently.

OP posts:
Original poster
VerityMay · 01/02/2018 22:53

Any advice from anyone? I've got a bit of a self destructive streak and fear that it is coming out here. Got butterflies in my stomach when thinking about it all.

OP posts:
TheBrilliantMistake · 01/02/2018 23:11

The butterflies in your stomach will feel like nothing compared to the pit in your stomach if you act on it, then your husband finds out, and you suddenly realise the damage you've done.

Of course, right now, nothing's happened, but probably best to keep it that way.

ItLooksABitOff · 01/02/2018 23:18

I've been married longer than you and had this a few times. If you are mature enough to just enjoy the feelings and not act on them, then I see no problem. But only you know the answer to that.

I have this right now but I just enjoy it - kinda like when I was in high school and had a crush on some boy I knew I'd never have ;) My OH even knows and thinks it's funny. But I love my husband, and I'm not going anywhere.

Original poster
VerityMay · 01/02/2018 23:42

It's good to hear that other people have felt like this without it being a bad thing. I really feel like a teenager - thinking does he like me? He gave me chocolates and hugged me. I did come home and tell me husband and asked him if he minded other men giving me chocolates. He said no, he just thinks my friends appreciate me helping them out. And it's true, other friends have given me flowers or chocolates when I've done them favours, which I never expect but do always really appreciate.

I can't even enjoy eating the chocolates, as have lost my appetite (part of the ridiculous teenage crush feeling) so am using it to start a diet!

OP posts:
BettyBooJustDoinTheDoo · 01/02/2018 23:56

There is a big difference to finding a man attractive and having a little crush but it sounds to me as though you have fallen head over heels for hobby man, that’s not good, you see him several times a week, you are imagining being with him, you don’t want a monogamous relationship, very dangerous territory.

Panting · 02/02/2018 00:03

What’s the hobby?!

Original poster
VerityMay · 02/02/2018 00:05

I guess I should try to spend less time on my hobby and with these friends. It would be hard though, would leave a gap.

I have tried to work harder on my relationship, but feel quite taken for granted. Think I want the validation of knowing I am still someone that is funny and fanciable.

OP posts:
Macaronibaloni · 02/02/2018 00:25

I don't think your being unreasonable to find another man attractive, but it seems like your trying to get some validation that it would be okay for you to pursue something with this man. Obviously it's down to you but I think you married your husband and you should have the respect to not let your imagination get carried away. I would be devastated if I knew my partner was daydreaming about someone else and getting butterflies over them.

Rainbowsandflowers78 · 02/02/2018 00:34

Oh no no no - see you are already beginning to justify it to yourself (I feel quite taken for granted)

If you can’t stop yourself then you need to talk to him. When I was in similar a few years ago I told my oh - there’s a person at work who is flirting with me - nothing has happened and it’s not going to - but I think this highlights that things aren’t quite right in our relationship - can we work on it?

runawaywithme07 · 02/02/2018 04:21

He likes you a lot, he pays you lots of attention, he bought you chocolates and gave you a hug... I think that, given your infatuation for him, it's fairly likely that he's picked up on your feelings. A harmless crush is fine, but this seems to be going beyond that.

At this point I think that, if you have any respect for your husband and your marriage, you should end contact and find a new hobby.

HongKongPhooeyNo1Superstar · 02/02/2018 05:06

How would you like it, if it was your husband telling you all this about some woman he had a crush on?

liminality · 02/02/2018 05:12

Just go for it. Flirt, see if you can sort out an illicit dinner, have a list of suitable nearby hotels that are discreet, come up with a good cover story, start shifting cash into a new account ready for the divorce. Get ready for the convo in which you dump your patient and decent OH.

Wait. Doesn't sound so good does it. A lot of time that validation from a new lover only lasts for a few months anyway, and then you're in a new relationship, where possibly they are not half as understanding of your long term needs. So many people get excited about the potential of a bew relationship, without thinking about what ending the old one actually means. Recrimination, guilt, breaking someone's heart, the legalities, and so on.
Focus on the good thing you've got and make it better. This other guy is just a flash in pan. It's not the same thing at all.

1DAD2KIDS · 02/02/2018 05:56

Is your questioning of monogomus relationships a new thing since you met this new man or is it something you've always questioned?

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 02/02/2018 06:12

Look, monogamy sometimes sucks. It’s not natural for men and women. But it has some very real benefits, all of which you’re not appreciating right now because you’re cosy in your relationship and taking them for granted.
Monogamy is a choice. A trade off of benefits and disadvantages. Only you can know if it’s worth it.

The best way to deal with your crush is to see it as just that. A crush, which will pass eventually. Enjoy it whilst it lasts but don’t act on it.

Because think about the worst case scenario. You alone because the crush didn’t work out, sharing custody of your kids (if you have them) with an ex who you feel terrible about hurting, but who has moved on with another woman you dislike but you have no right to complain about because you dumped him.

It’s just not worth it.

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