To feel attracted to another man?

[VerityMay]

I've been married for over a decade. My husband is a good man who does a lot for me. I suffer from depression and he puts up with me getting upset and stressed, I feel grateful to him.

I've become really involved with a new hobby and made lots of new friends through this. There is a group of us that meet up regularly, several times a week. One of the men, well if I was single I would be hoping that he and I could get together. He likes me and pays me a lot of attention.

My AIBU is really - am I wrong to be enjoying imagining being with him? I've not done anything at all with him but it is nice to feel admired and I've fantasised a bit about us getting together, which is exciting.

When I was younger, I didn't think I would ever get married, as I couldn't imagine being with the same person forever - never being able to be with anyone else. In general, I got bored easily and like change and novelty. So I think permanent monogamy seemed unrealistic at that point.

But as you get older, things change don't they? I had my first long term relationship with someone who someone who wasn't the right man in many ways. I met my husband not long after splitting up with my ex. He is so much better for me than the ex - we've got so much more in common. We did fall head over heels for each other, I had no doubts and we got married quite quickly.

10 years down the line, I think I am bored. It's not the first time I've thought about another man. And I guess it won't be the last! I need to find another way to deal with being a bit bored. The hobby is a community project we are all working on, I've been organising part of it, which I don't want to drop abruptly. I will try to spend less time on it.

Is this not an emotional affair?

I don't think this is an emotional affair - it's a friendship, where I also feel attracted. I do think we have a lot in common, find myself looking at his interest groups on Facebook and thinking that he's perfect for me. But he's not perfect for me as I'm married, I do keep reminding myself of that.

It's not unusual to occasionally feel regrets that life isn't a bit different is it? And it would be nice to indulge in thinking about whether he likes me or not, what it would be like with him, but maybe that would be an emotional affair. Trying to back off.

In all honesty your head sounds like you are already there. If your DH is as lovely & supportive as you say I feel very sorry for him. You haven't answered a pp's question about how you would feel if this was all coming from your hunsbad about another woman? You say you'd prefer an open relationship... is that fully open for him too, or just you?

All relationships start of fun & exciting with butterflies. I am sure your husband & you were the same at the start. So how do you see 'hobby guy' & you if this was to become something 10/20 years down the line?
You would be 'stable', bored & in a comfortable partnership again looking for another buzz. Wake up & really take a look at what you could lose before this gets anymore tricky.

If you are certain this is worth it, then do the decent thing & leave your husband first. And regardless of the outcome of this fantasy I think you should take stock of your relationship if these are thoughts you have regularly then you are not on the same page as your husband & maybe you should consider leaving anyway & giving him the opportunity of true happiness again with someone who will value him. Allowing you to flirt/fantasize with anyone you like.

I think that's a bit strong Lemontart. I've said that I am working on remembering my husband's great qualities. I've also tried to talk to him about if he has ever felt attracted to anyone else but he is secure and happy in our relationship.

He doesn't feel any jealousy over my new friends and I don't think would really notice if another woman fancied him (which I have noticed once before, when a female friend of his reacted strangely on meeting me for the first time). On that occasion, I could see he was oblivious. How would I feel if he was having daydreams about another woman? I guess I'd feel hurt and sad. I'd want to know why he was thinking about her rather than me. It would make me feel insecure and unattractive. But I know he's got very little imagination, and has old fashioned values, so it would be a massive deal for him to be thinking about someone else. I'm generally more emotional than him.

Not strong at all. All in response to what you have said. You have said you are trying to remind yourself of your husband's good qualities, several posts in & after looking into "old theards" where you have seen open relationships haven't always panned out as expected. But you have also suggested you feel taken for granted... as a pp has said that is typical self justifying behaviour.

At the end of the day you have admitted there that you would be hurt & unhappy if the shoe was on the other foot. So that in itself should be enough to see the damage you would do to your husband.

And no he isn't jealous of your friendships why would he be? But he hardly knows the full extent of this one does he! Slightly different So doesn't mean he wouldn't be very jealous & insecure about the feelings you have towards one in particular!

You still sound to be defending your thoughts more than refraining from them so as I previously stated I feel you have already crossed the line. If there is nothing more & you genuinely think your husband wouldn't mind the degree of relationship you have with this man (including in your head). Tell him & not in the guise of a tv programme. Be honest & up front.

And what has another woman being attracted to your husband got to do with it? He can't help that... but as you have said, he was oblivious & didn't even give it brain space if he did notice. That is the actions of a married man! Even IF this was about 'hobby guy' being attracted to you & not you him... you are clearly entertaining it & not shutting it down. Therefore suggesting your not entirely happy with your husband & he just isn't enough. That isn't fair & you DO need to decide what you want going forward no matter how this pans out. Why should anyone "oblivious" "old fashioned" or otherwise be in a one sided relationship cos you're too selfish to leave & risk being alone if it all goes wrong & you realise having your cake & eating it isn't all it's cracked up to be.

I've always said to my husband "if I did it and it would piss you off, don't do it to me".
I'd say the same here. If him having an imaginary affair and spending his time thinking of being intimate with other women instead of you would upset you, don't do it to him.

You are fast heading into an emotional affair.

The grass always looks greener when it's not your own.....

I definitely wasn't blaming my husband for another woman possibly finding him attractive - there is no suggestion of that in my comments. I was using it to illustrate that he is not interested in other women so wouldn't notice. However that's not really the point. I have acknowledged how I would feel if he had feelings for someone else. It doesn't automatically stop mine though, which I have to remind you I haven't acted on.

I can't really see the point of directly telling my husband, other than to upset him. I've told him that I do sometimes find other people attractive and wonder how it would feel if I were with them. He said he doesn't feel the same but wasn't annoyed with me.

It may upset him but it will also ground you and prevent you taking it further. Either in your head or in reality.

There is no harm in having an innocent crush! I have one on my vet! Dh knows this tho (and makes fun of it as we both know I am still head over heels for my dh) he finds other women attractive I am sure.

However I think you need to listen to the pp as from what I am reading you seem to be looking for validation in having an affair. Which is never ok! If you don’t want to be in a monogamous relationship the only right thing to do is leave your dh before exploring feelings for this other man. What you are doing is essentially having an emotional affair, which can be more damaging than a physical one.

Just remember the grass is never greener. I do feel sorry for you dh.

People forget that human beings are basically animals driven by hormones, with a brain that tells them to ignore the hormones! It's completely natural to feel attraction for other people, whether it's a celebrity on tv or a person you've met. The problem arises when people act on those feelings and end up cheating.

It's fine to enjoy those feelings of attraction as long as it's only a harmless fantasy. But if the thoughts are becoming obsessive or you've been tempted to act on them, the best course of action is to distance yourself from the person in question. After a while the feelings will go away.

No I never got that you blamed him for that at all. I got you felt it was a justification for you to fancy other people because someone EVEN fancied your boring husband- that you don't much anymore & you're quite safe from him acting on it as he wouldn't notice anyway.

That just doesn't sit well with me. Sounds like (you may not mean it to) you think you can do what you want because he is such a walk over who wouldn't even know what was going on or dream of you doing that because he's too old fashioned to imagine those wild/sordid/adventurous things!

You don't have to remind me of anything I stand by how I feel it looks. Especially with your last answer there "I can't really see the point of directly telling my husband, other than to upset him."
So you have answered you own AIBU if it would hurt your DH then yes you are. Normally I would say no cos it's natural to think these things & move on but not with the context you have provided.

And this "I've told him that I do sometimes find other people attractive and wonder how it would feel if I were with them. He said he doesn't feel the same but wasn't annoyed with me."

It really seems like you are just paving the way for it to go further. Gaging your DH's reaction to suggestive scenarios & once you see he seems unfazed or doesn't put up much fight. It has given you the courage for this to build in your mind to where you are now. Like you feel quite safe in the fact even if you did cheat your husband may accept it.

"I've got a bit of a self destructive streak and fear that it is coming out here."

I would beware of setting too much store on the idea of your DH being 'uninterested' in other women. It's probably an over simplification and sets up a subconscious precedent in your head which might feel like permission for you to be 'different', have different values and afford you special status when it comes to what constitutes being unfaithful. Allows you to mentally 'manage' the marriage on his behalf.

If you want to stay married to him stop daydreaming and fantasising and thinking about ''what if'' with the other bloke. You're just affirming feelings which aught to be pushed away if you feel it's damaging your marriage.

If you want out of the marriage then think carefully about it and leave. It's really quite simple. (i know, i've done it).

Simple being the amount of choices there are, i should add. You piss or get off the pot basically. Stay and be faithful or leave DH and be free.

You are so having an emotional affair.

Thanks for everyone's thoughts. They've been genuinely helpful.

I think I do think of myself as different to my husband - he would never have sex without love for example, and I have in the past (when single) had one night stands, just because I was attracted rather than in love. But I did agree to fidelity and have always been faithful in the past. I guess I do think my husband's a bit boring too, but then so am I really. He admires my occasional dare devil streak, which I know potential partners have struggled with in the past. (But then so does the other man, I think his admiration of some of the things I've done have helped us become close.)

I don't think I'm having an emotional affair. I think I am sort of having an imaginary one though, will try to bring it to an end.

Having let go of the idea of an (imaginary / emotional) affair, I now feel like I've been really stupid. I'm embarassed that my friends might have realised. Also a bit annoyed with the other man - did he know, was he encouraging me? I don't know if he was really.

Not feeling great this evening, like I've done something really humiliating.

It's not fair to look towards blaming the man now.
Flirting can make you feel good, especially when it's reciprocated. Even if it's not overt flirting, just really enjoying each other's company it can feel good that someone likes you, and takes and interest and you find them interesting too (which often leads to attraction).

The problem is that the feeling can be so good, you want a little more and a little more (like enjoying a few too many drinks on a night out). Come the day when it goes wrong, the hangover can be disastrous.
See it for what it is - getting tipsy over the 'feeling' (not the person).

Been reading another thread on a similar topic earlier, which was interesting. I've been making sure I spend time with my family and other friends, only seen the other guy in passing. I don't want to give up all the work I've put in on my hobby, or lose the other friends I've made, but am trying to make sure I concentrate on my other friends more.

I can't say the feelings have all gone away but have been trying to just accept them as a natural passing fancy and instead concentrating on keeping the flame burning with my husband.

It was interesting that the other poster and myself were a similar age (early 40s). Maybe this is some sort of hormonal last dash, where our bodies are trying their best to get us to be with different men to have a last chance at bearing more children? Or perhaps we are just at a similar stage in our lives, where our children have become less needy and are focussing on our own needs instead.

I think it's a fairly natural stage when you've been married for some time and you've forgotten the feeling of being fancied by somebody who isn't obliged to fancy you (i.e. a partner).
There's probably a wide range of reasons, but I think it's pretty normal.

I think studies have suggested that over 30% of couples have an affair - which is a hell of a lot, so obviously, you can hardly be alone, and there must be many more who've been tempted along the way.

Why are you jeprodising ure marriage for some one uve only just met yes u have that feeling u get at start of relationship but can he deal with ure mental health like ure husband has probably not the fact u are saying u have butterfly's for this guy says u have taken this to far u can still do ure hobby just be dry with this guy he will get the message and tell ure husband the truth as use need to work at intimacy and that but u would rather do it with some random u hardly know grass isn't always greener ure husband will be shocked and saddened but u didn't do anything u were very close he will forgive u as I could not lie to a man I has looked after me when I was at my worst and he didn't cheat as most men will as they can't cope with ure mental illness he is obviously a gd man he deserves some honesty and u deserve his hutt and anger as punishment of u will continue to do this as u like the feeling if that is the case no one can stop u but u end marriage first not flirt with danger

Given that I've never even been alone with the man, I don't think I can be accused of taking things too far (think that is what the message above is saying, although it is difficult to read).

I have listened to what people said and reflected on this. I've spent less time with this groups of friends and made sure I had female friends with me when we all met up. I miss seeing my friend and miss the validation I got from feeling admired but know it is for the best.

Perhaps it would be ideal if we never had feelings for people other than our partner, but the reality of human interaction is that most of us will occasionally do so. Thoughts and feelings are not the same as actions. Actions are much more under our control.

It has made me feel down that I've pretty much had to stop a friendship in its tracks in order to ensure I didn't risk having an affair, emotional or otherwise. However it was a choice I've had to make to protect other parts of my life.