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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Someone speak sense to me please .....

63 replies

Keepingcoolwhenitshot · 25/01/2018 08:05

We are separated but living together until April. He just came in and asked me to make him a cup of tea. As he's not feeling well and I'm trying to keep the peace I did. He asked what sort it was as I placed it down. I said builders. No thanks he said. I don't drink that at this time of day. I'm fucking livid. I think it's rude/ ungrateful/ spoilt. Why is it getting to me SOOO much. Just need to rant. Someone calm me down please 😩

OP posts:

Original poster

Keepingcoolwhenitshot · 25/01/2018 08:28

I made him PJ tips, just normal tea. He wanted earl grey, bit scented, just a different taste but still tea. They are in glass jars in our kitchen and just grabbed first jar without thinking much about it. I think the point is he's being a twat. Not like I made him peppermint tea which is totally different. They are both brown teas with milk.

OP posts:

Sparklingbrook · 25/01/2018 08:28

Oh no Crumbs, lets hope that doesn't happen too often then. A whole day ruined by just getting the wrong tea.

NoBallsHere · 25/01/2018 08:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Keepingcoolwhenitshot · 25/01/2018 08:31

crumbs1 I'm afraid I couldn't live with you long term either then. I'm the kind of person who is totally grateful for any drink someone makes me. Ok if it was something I never drink, but come on. Also, he's been a total arse to me. He's lucky I even speak to him let alone make him tea. Make me calm people not more angry!!!

OP posts:

Loonoonow · 25/01/2018 08:39

And this is why you are separated! Remind yourself of this moment and these feelings next time he asks you for a favour.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 25/01/2018 08:42

Calm you down? I'll try.

It was a shit think for him to do. But it isn't a one off, he's generally shit which is why he's a soon-to-be ex.You had a million and one things to do, but you stopped to make him a cup of tea so you were already stressed, about both him in general and what you had to do. the tea thing is no biggie in itself, but it was the last straw.

It's happened, it's been and gone. Stop trying to still be his wife. He's a lodger and you should treat him like one - offer him a cup of tea if you're making one for yourself if you want to. And apply the same principle to all other parts of your relationship with him.

Forget it and breathe. He's not worth the emotional energy you're expending on him.

MisstoMrs · 25/01/2018 08:42

He’s sick. Presumably he has man flu, which men always believe to be terminal, so look on the bright side, he won’t be around much longer for your indescretions with infusions to be an issue. Then you can shovel his miserable lump off the sofa and put your feet up

Alternatively start hoovering next to him and when he asks you to stop say you don’t acquiesce to twats at this time of day 😘 then pop out and get yourself some nice chocolate / cake etc to eat in front of him later. After all, he’s sick, sugar would be bad for him.

becotide · 25/01/2018 08:44

He knows exaclthow to press your buttons, does't he?

next time, say "no."

not, "No, because ..."

just "no."

And if he asks why, laugh. And say "NO"

Original poster

Keepingcoolwhenitshot · 25/01/2018 08:48

becotide yes. Like this and will. thedevilmademedoit you are so right too. This week I have cooked for him three times, picked up his dry cleaning and made him an offensive cup of tea. From now on, no more fucking favours. Cannot wait until he has to look after himself and I can stick to looking after my actual 3dc!!!!! Feeling calmer. Thanks all.

OP posts:

whiskyowl · 25/01/2018 08:52

Yeah, this would annoy the shit out of me too.

My exP cheated on me. We lived together for a while afterwards too, and it was excruciating. So I feel your pain. He was like your exDH - an entitled arse. He didn't lift a finger in the house - I can remember him watching me through a window as I battled the garden hedges and cleaned up the beds in January ready to get it onto the market.

I moved out because it was so intolerable. Shortly after, he actually ended up flooding the house, which then had to undergo an entire year of renovations. At the end of that time, he moved out. I went in to clean up, and found that he'd left all the wet food from months before to rot in kitchen cupboards. It was the most revolting clean-up job ever. I'm pretty sure there were some kinds of mould that were unknown to modern science in there.

Some men just think the world owes them a living. You will get shot of him, and life will be very, very much better when you do. I would keep on 'forgetting' he takes Earl Grey in the morning, though.

DancesWithOtters · 25/01/2018 08:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 25/01/2018 08:53

Dear god, does he not have a friend, family, hostel he can fuck off to until April?

IF you had made Earl Grey & he NEVER drinks it, or had made Builders tea at night when he only drinks decafe then I’d have said he has a bit of a point, but Builders tea at 8 in the morning, is perfectly acceptable.

You should have gone outside, grabbed a handful of grass & added that. Job done.

Stupid twat.

Still, last cuppa you need ever trouble yourself to make for him. Do NOT let him see this has pissed you off. Being indifferent to his behaviour & feelings is far more effective.

LizB62A · 25/01/2018 08:56

Why are you doing anything for him?
What does he do for you?

saladdays66 · 25/01/2018 08:57

And what has he done for you this week? Stop doing things for him!!!

PoorYorick · 25/01/2018 09:00

Well OP, if you were wondering about your decision to split....

Anyway, Earl Grey is rank. A nice strong cup of human engine oil, proper builder's brew, is the only thing anyone needs first thing in the morning, or indeed all day.

LittleLionMansMummy · 25/01/2018 09:00

Presumably this is part of a pattern that means he's your STBX. Stop doing things for him.

Or, next time lace it with laxatives.

shushpenfold · 25/01/2018 09:01

My now ex BIL was shocked and put out that his then DW (my DSis) wouldnt iron his shirts for him when in the same situation in their home. My DH’s name for him is’Twat’.

Whatatado · 25/01/2018 09:01

Put your feet up and enjoy the cuppa. Feel smug that you are enjoying the last cup of tea you’ll ever make him.

NotReadyToMove · 25/01/2018 09:06

If DH is making me a cup of tea, he knows to ask which one i want (I’m a bit of a tea snob and have quite a few of them!) but I would also ask him even if he has a builder tea 90% of the time.

However, this is a VERY different situation for the OP. They might be living in the same house but NOT together. He was taking the mick and is still expected to be waited on and that’s not acceptable.
Besides, the OP was busy.

So, OP, you can be very assertive and tell him NO or you can go down the PA way and never commit to anything/not answering. I wouod never advise the second one in a normal relationship BUT if your aim is to keep things relatively quiet until April, then it could be a way to handle it. No big confrontations but just pushing back all the time and not doing what you dint want to do.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 25/01/2018 09:09

How has someone never heard of English breakfast tea? I don't even drink tea!

Missingstreetlife · 25/01/2018 09:20

Builders aka British rail tea in olden days
Perhaps he thinks you did it on purpose? Serves him right for being an idiot, haha!

feelingfree17 · 25/01/2018 09:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BakedBeans47 · 25/01/2018 09:24

You should have poured it over him.

ferntwist · 25/01/2018 09:26

What a dick. No wonder you’re divorcing him.

BrutusMcDogface · 25/01/2018 09:32

How the hell you managed not to pour it all over the ungrateful git's lap, I do not know. Be proud of your self control, and absolutely STOP doing anything for him, at all.

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