Am I a CF?

[taekwondo]

I live 120 miles away from my best friend and family. I haven't visited anyone in a year due to work and finances.

In October by best friend (bf) asked me to come and stay with her for a week as she missed me and my son.

So we're here, it's day 4, we're supposed to go home Monday.

As I haven't been in a year, I haven't soon my Nan, mum or sisters in a year either.

So I've divided my week up. Monday we went straight to Nans with BF, stayed for lunch (about 3 hours) then came back to bf house! Tuesday saw bf mum (really close to her) with bf, we went for dinner.

Wednesday we just all relaxed together, got some Chinese food for dinner and had a nice time.

When bf boyfriend got up (he's on nights) I heard her in the kitchen moaning to him that I'm seeing my mum tomorrow (today) I'm also seeing my sister after, so about 2-3 hours each!

Now Friday, (she's asked me to go out Saturday as she wants a date night so I'll have to leave mid day due to being rural) and Sunday I'm with her all day, so I really don't know if I'm being the CF here by accepting her invitation and then spending a few hours with my family.

She's not saying anything to my face, but I don't like hearing her behind my back and I really don't know any more.

When ever I visit I feel like I'm playing a game of keeping everyone happy. If I came down and didn't see my family they'd be upset! As would my ds, so aibu and a cf to see my family when my friend has invited me to stay with her?

I am just so fed up of trying to keep every one happy, it's impossible and I'm always in the wrong. This is probably the last visit I'll do for a long time. I really can't be bothered with it.

I know that feeling well! I used to live a long way from home and my parents are divorced. Every time I came down for a visit I’d get interrogated about where I was staying and who I was seeing, and someone would always feel put out that I hadn’t prioritised seeing them. I never did anything just because it was what I wanted, I just spent the whole time trying to keep others happy.

On the flip side, I have also been in the situation where someone came to ‘visit me’ and then spent 90% of her time out seeing other friends who lived nearby. But that really doesn’t sound like the situation here. She’s been with you for most of the visits and it sounds like you’ve had more than enough time together.

Having house guests can get exhausting after a few days and she may have just been blowing off steam, although it’s really not nice for you to hear. If she’s your best friend then maybe it’s worth having a chat about what you overheard. You can calmly say that you had no idea she had a problem with it, and that you had assumed she wouldn’t actually want you around 24/7 for a week. You could also ask whether there was anything in particular she was hoping you could do together, which your plans have interfered with?

Also, when you say she was ‘moaning to him’, what was she actually saying?

Was it just ‘she’ll be out all day tomorrow and that’s a shame because we could have done something fun’ or was it more ‘she’s such a bitch, how dare she see her Mum?!’

I've had friends visit and use my home as a hotel. The last visit one was so busy I don't think I spent more than 30 minutes with her apart from her sleeping. I didn't expect to see her 100% of the time but it would have been nice to actually talk more and actually spend time with her.

Stay in a hotel next time.

I think you are staying with your friend for far too long and it sounds like you are getting her down. Her being overstrict with your DS is probably a symptom.
Leave on Saturday and stay with your family or in a travelodge. It would be a shame to lose your bf over this as most friendships are not based on being together 24/7.

A week is probably too long to stay even if she is your BF. Of course you want to see your family and your family would be very disappointed if you were staying nearby and didn’t see them. Perhaps you should have stayed a few nights with BF and split the time staying with family. Can’t believe BF needs a date night though! I would take the opportunity to leave and stay at your mum’s for the weekend. Don’t let it spoil your friendship or your relationship with your family. It’s all precious time, especially for your DS.

If anyone told me they liked their bacon fried it would not be a problem. But then I don't control how people like their food.

Oops wrong thread.

I also think a week is too long, but she was the one who suggested it all and me trying to keep her happy, just agreed!

I think next time I'll just stay with my mum as I usually do, it's much more relaxed, but then again, I still have the problem of keeping everyone happy! I find it's always the person who you stay with who gets upset at not having seen you! To be clear I've seen friend Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and just today I've gone out, she came to Nans with me on Monday as that was her suggestion!

I'm just fed up with it all

I just realised I miss read your op to thought you visited your nana one day then your mum not your bf mum. I do agree it’s better if you had stayed half a week then half a week at your mothers.

she's asked me to go out Saturday as she wants a date night

So she invites you to come stay with her for a week and then tells you to make yourself scarce on the weekend so she can have a date night with her live-in boyfriend?!!

There's definitely a cheeky fucker here - but it isn't you!

You aren't being unreasonable seeing family as well but perhaps you didn't communicate properly with your bf before you arrived. You could perhaps have organised it better, like a meal with your DM and DSis on the Saturday night when you have to be out.

However I do think your bf is being completely unreasonable asking you to go out on Saturday night. I can hardly believe someone would do that! Who invites a guest to stay and then asks them to stay away for any period of time during the stay? Very weird.

I'd go home early

The date night thing alone makes her unreasonable! That is a really weird thing to do, especially if they live together.

I agree though that a week was probably too long and you could have split your visit between your friend and then your family.

120miles also isn't that far surely that you can't manage more than once a year visit. Probably a bit much for a day trip but not undoable at all for a weekend.

Is it possible what you actually overheard was her in the process of trying to get out of ‘date night’ with him in order to spend the time with you?
She may have been hoping he’d offer to cancel.

I'd tell her I'd heard her and ask her if she wanted me to go home then...

I think she's a weirdo tbh, and moaning for the sake of moaning - perhaps the boyf is a PITA?

I'd tell her I'd heard her and ask her if she wanted me to go home then...

I think she's a weirdo tbh, and moaning for the sake of moaning - perhaps the boyf is a PITA?

"To be honest this is partly why it's been a year since my last visit! I am just so fed up of trying to keep every one happy, it's impossible and I'm always in the wrong. This is probably the last visit I'll do for a long time. I really can't be bothered with it."

Does your friend visit you? Do your family visit you?

The visit does seem like an awful performance, with a lot invested in it. It's only 120 miles ... it may be difference for you and for them ... but that's a two hour drive, three if a lot of it is through speed limited areas, perhaps the same by bus/coach, and maybe under two hours by train.

Would it be possible to plan shorter visits to individuals (and of course them do the same with you) rather than have such a long trip with so much invested in it.

Or are you trying to get it all over with in one go!

I also live 120 miles from home & used to try split myself into pieces to see everyone but a few years ago I stopped trying to people please & i enjoy my visits much more.

My friends have a Facebook group and I put the dates I'll be at home & sometimes we meet sometimes we don't. I nearly always see my bff and another two friends but I try make visiting happen all on one day to get the most time with my family

You're not a CF at all, I'd drop a hint about overhearing indirectly by saying you hope your ds isn't disturbing them during the night. Has she taken entire week off work to spend it with you?

THE only thing I’m finding strange is asking a guest to vacate the place on Sat.

@ADishBestEatenCold it's a 3 hour drive for us, and no, no one visits me often. My bf visited two years ago, same with my parents! So I'm very much out on my own out there!

Can you move on to your parents house ?
I think I would, politely of course, it's the date night, that's got me.
Either that or move off, earlier than planned.🌸

Def stay with your mum or nan. Take them out for a whole day, if you can leave ds with another family member, so they feel you have concentrated on them.

Then run about seeing the people you want to see. Maybe ask whoever you're staying with if you can have an afternoon 'at home' where people who want to see you can drop in, say have a tea party with big pots of tea and sarnies and cakes?

Oh and cook a nice meal for your host towards the end of your stay, have a quiet night in with them (or take them out if they'd prefer that). Nice to regroup anyway, review the week together.

I do think you should tell her that you overheard her - not in an angry confrontation way, but just in a way so you can talk it all through. Maybe she was just blowing off steam but I do think she's BU. Hopefully she'll recognise that for a journey like that, when you can't visit very often, it just isn't practical for you to spend all your time with one person when you have so many people you want to see. I have the same situation when I visit home too so I feel your pain. I now try my best to be direct and pragmatic about it, as you can never please everyone and I just spent so much of my energy worrying about it when I should have just been enjoying my visit.

I'm with other people on the making yourself scarce for date night too by the way, that's not cool at all. I mean, sure if you'd said you'd be out Saturday anyway, I could understand it more, but how utterly bizarre!

"a 3 hour drive for us, and no, no one visits me often."

Given that, then you probably would want to stay for a few days, or indeed a week to see everyone in one visit, so (as others have suggested) in future divide it up ... two days with one person, one with another, and so on.

With regards to this visit, (if your mother and sister can accommodate) perhaps ask your friend if it's getting a bit 'choppy' for her ... would she prefer that you spend today and tomorrow with her, then move to your mum's tomorrow evening, for the rest of the visit? Rather than back and forth.

"My bf visited two years ago, same with my parents!"

Whether you stick to your original plan or change it slightly, before you leave make it clear to them all that they must visit you next time. Even if the don't comply, it lets you off the hook for at least a year!