to feel like im drowning. Overdramatic?

[OnNaturesCourse]

I have a 3 month old DD.

I'm moving home to a completely different area.

I'm still suffering "down there" from a forceps birth

DD is going through a very clingy, crying phase and we think she's suffering with constipation (again)

Our new home is getting a complete make over - every room has been stripped back to plaster.

We're about 40% the way through doing the new house, but are due to move in under week and due to move some of our bigger items this weekend.

DP works all day so I'm on my own mostly - and he seems to think this gets him out of all night feeds aside from one night at weekend (and even that's with a fuss)

DP isn't home until very late as he's working on the new place after work.

I can barely walk as I've been on my feet and over stretched so much that I'm very swollen "down there" again and my scar is all raised.

I'm trying to pack up our home, look after DD, sort myself, decorate occasionally, organise the move and make required purchases etc, and i kinda feel like I'm suffocating a little bit and I'm snapping at everyone, getting frustrated with DD and I'm on the brink of exploding at DP.

I needed this rant, I needed it off my chest but more to that, before I sit DP down to talk, ask if I'm being over dramatic and need to shake myself?

How can I get DP to understand without having a "it's all your fault, your not helping enough" argument? (Hes normally brilliant but seems to have his mind totally focused on work and moving that he's suddenly not as "on the ball" at home...like the other night I got in to find he still had DD up and awake at midnight - so she was out her routine all night and I had to deal with it. He said she "was being too fussy to sleep" but I had her asleep in under 5 minutes. He's starting to lose track of her routines and habits if that makes sense)

😭

I don't know if you're being U or N but I hear what you are saying and I personally feel like everyone's slave at the moment if that makes you feel any better!

U and N?

Sorry the post didn't put any of the paragraph spaces in! 😭

I just don't know what to do. I want to just go hide somewhere.

Moving house is stressful enough, throw a baby in the mix and it doesn't get easier. Plus the anxiety of moving to an area where you don't know anyone will not be helping!
Is there anyone that can help in the day? A friend or family member who'll look after DD and let you get some sleep? You sound like you need rest, and overdoing it will not help your recovery speed. Is it worth making an appointment to see the gp and make sure everything is healing as it should be?
You do need to sit your dp down and tell him how you're feeling, but at the same time expect that if he's working and then going to the new house to try and get that ready for you, he will likely already feel like he's doing his "part" and everything else is falling by the wayside. If you want to avoid it becoming an argument I'd approach it from a "I really appreciate that you do X Y Z, but I'm struggling and I need you to be there for us"
Try not to be hard on yourself, and take it easy when you can - nap when DD naps, you need to rest, it's amazing what the power of sleep can do for your own sanity and your mood in general

Can you ask a friend or family member to come and give you a hand one day-to help you get things done? It might help if you both sat down together one evening and write a list of what needs doing. Write a list per room so it's broken down into chunks and can be given to a person to do.

You've got far too much on your plate, and you're still recovering from what sounds like a traumatic birth. Can you get help or pay for a decorator? You need to focus on yourself and your baby

Thank you. The lack of sleep is hard, I find a broken sleep worse than no sleep and DD is only napping 15-20 minutes during the day.

I understand DP is working his butt off, by goodness he really is but I generally do not think he believes that I'm working hard at home - I barely get anything done due to clingy baby just now but I'm trying so hard.

I recently asked if we could put back moving our large items, or put back the move (we have a week extra if needed) to which he replied why? I pointed out our current house isn't fully packed etc and his response... Well why isn't it packed? (He's likely to have been being sarcastic here but I can't handle sarcastic jokes right now)

We're moving closer to family and friends so don't have anyone close to our current place ... Very little help available unfortunately.

You are completely bonkers for taking on so much stuff with a new house on top of having a tiny baby and significant scar. Stop it all and let DH do it - you would be amazed how much they get done when you stop. Can you delay the house stuff at all?

Your health and your baby are the most important things, you are totally right to focus on them and drop all the other stuff.

A decorating is out of our budget sadly.

I've been checked out and it's just a case if me being very sensitive down there at the moment and my scar being raised. No further action will be taken until it's had 6 months to recover.

DP knows we are going to talk tonight, I had a mini meltdown at 4am this morning. I just don't know how to go about it without sounding demanding / unappreciative

Instead of its all your fault you need to turn it round to this is too much for me right now. I cant do this myself I need help with it.

You cant afford a decorater but could you invite friends and family to a paonting party? They all come on one day and do the painting and then you order pizza for them all.

I started the moving process when LO was four months. Nighmare. Get a packing company.

Our family are helping at that end when they can, but I do think we need to ask for more help.

I want to say "help me... " but that's the wrong approach. He needs to still be a parent during this.

Totally NU. We redecorated and sold our home, and then moved during my second mat leave with a 3yo DD1 and a newborn DD2 (1yo by the time we moved). My OH was at work, and DD1 only in nursery two half days a week. It resulted in PND for me. There were evenings where I just sat on the sofa and cried.

My DD2 was very clingy as well, and I hated getting angry at DD1. I remember shouting at her really loudly on moving day because I'd just. had. enough. And I never really shouted at her before DD2 was born :(

The only days where I felt somewhat in control were those when DD1 went to nursery and I only had the one baby to look after. I could just about juggle that and the house stuff (although trying to pack while comforting a clingy baby is a challenge in itself!).

It sounds as if you and your OH are both really stretched at the moment. It's no surprise you're both struggling. Do you have any friends or relatives nearby who could help?

Could you and DH switch over some evenings and you work on the new house while he looks after DD? It would give you a bit of child-free time, and might give him more of an understanding of how little else you can get done while looking after a clingy 3mo.

That sounds totally overwhelming, YANBU.

Tell your husband all of this. You've been trying to cope so perhaps he didn't realise but you're pushing yourself too far and he needs to step up. Your body recovering properly needs to be an absolute priority for your whole family. Gynae issues that drag on are no fun at all so please take it easy

I have mentioned the switch one or two evenings a week but get shot down with "but she just wants you." Which is true but as soon as I'm out of her mind/sight for a little while she settles.

He is over stretched but his responsiblities don't scream at him 70% of the day and night, plus he gets a outlet at work. I'm 100% baby and move... There's no escape.

He needs to get used to looking after her though, regardless of whether she only wants you he needs to understand that you need some time to yourself for your own sanity and as her parent and your partner it's down to him to take it on the chin and step up.
He probably finds it easier to go to the new house himself, but that doesn't mean he should get out of all other responsibilities. Tell him what you need - an evening to yourself, help with DD, make a list of everything that still needs doing at your current house and ask him to do the same for the new house then split the tasks that are left so you get some time at the new place and he can sort out some of the current house. Once or twice of that and he might feel more sympathetic about the amount of stuff he's piled on you whilst he gets to peacefully work through stuff at the new place

you have waaaaaay too much on OP.

Tbh I'd just have a full on blow out at him constructive you're absolutely right that his responsibilities aren't demanding 100% of him. You're NEVER getting a break.

Can you delay the move at all?

I was getting stressed out at the thought of doing a kitchen renovation on mat leave, never mind a whole house, I think I'd die.

Can you pay someone to help ?

Can delay it a week but he's not keen as it would mean doing the move through the week when he's at work (can't get holidays) so can understand but we've got a little angel at home who's picking up on the stress and acting out ... Which in turn is adding stress.

I have mentioned the switch one or two evenings a week but get shot down with "but she just wants you."

Insist on it. He knows it's easier to do some decorating than to look after a 3 mo (and keep her in the routine!) and pack boxes at the same time.

And if you don't start making sure he has time alone with her when she's little, you'll end up doing all of the childcare because 'he doesn't know how'.

💐 I hope your talk is productive.

I get that he wants to get on at the new house, but it’s the old house that needs both of your attention right now. You have to move out of that, the new one will be there for a long time to come.

It’s only another week or so until you move, I wouldn’t bother raising the ‘you need to parent through this’ Until you’ve actually moved.

However, you NEED to rest, you need to spend relaxing time with your baby and you need to reduce your stress. Rest in the day, do the absolute minimum you can.

Once you move and you’re all in the same house in the evening & weekends, get more rest and tell him to take DD. ‘She wants you’...’Yep, life’s tough, take her out of the house & she’ll be just fine with you, because I NEED some time out’.

Schedule his nights to be up with her. He’s working, you’ve got her all day. You need sleep too.

Talk didn't happen, after being at the house... And taking 3 hours to paint a room... It was too late. Eugh.

Reminds me of the situation with my ex-husband. I pregnant when we bought the house & he was at work or at the house 24/7. When we moved in, wayy too soon, DD was a 2-month-old. It all continued. It was either work or DIY. He was/is obsessive. I do feel sorry for his current wife & their 2 kids having to live in a house for 3-4 years so far which is legally uninhabitable that he built himself. No wonder my kids only go there to see their siblings, who they feel sorry for! Id look to make some changes NOW! Don't listen to the bullshit that everything he's doing is for you & DD. Are you & DD currently happy & benefitting from it? I think not!

Well, tbh, that might be for the best.

Tomorrow, rest. Spend some time relaxing with DD and not getting frustrated that you can’t ‘get on’ because she’s being...a baby. Tell him he needs to come home & not go to the new house. Tell him you need to make a plan for exiting THIS house, the other one will have to get done once you’re there. Remind him that a few weeks ago you gave birth, you’re still sore & are bloody exhausted and that he needs to appreciate that & that you’ve been doing too much. Unless he wants a wife with PND he needs to back off with the stupid comments & be supportive.

Well after he finally got home last night I pretty much handed DD over. She did fuss majorly but I only took her so he could eat his dinner. She was awake until early hours but I went to bed and left him to it (normally when I try do this or similar I end up feeling bad so get up/go back) They both survived so can manage when left with no choice. And bloody hell I feel much better for it, I woke without DD crying or an alarm... I woke because I was fully rested. Miracle!