irresponsible husband car related

[Larryduff]

AIBU my husband is very 'laid back' (he would say, I say just lazy and careless) when it comes to car maintenance. It's one of his very few responsibilities as he uses the car to commute to work every day, I barely use it. It was serviced last summer and he was advised to replace all of the tyres within a few months/so many 1000 miles after the service. I've had to nag him numerous times to do it and every time I'm greeted with the same incredulous eye rolling reaction so I try not to say anything (this is recurrent theme in our relationship but that's another story).

Yesterday he had to take the car in to get the headlights replaced as they stopped working and when I saw the report it said the tyres were 'dangerously below the legal limit' and measured 0.5mm. He said he had to sign some sort of waiver so they would do the work.

I didn't get angry but I told him I was shocked and upset that he'd let it get to that point, driving himself and us and the kids around with such a dangerous car, not only risking our safety and other peoples but also risking a hefty fine if we got pulled over. His reaction was along the lines of 'so what, nothing's happened, you're overreacting.' Also suggesting that because he didn't know it was that bad I can't be angry with him.

I then asked him to leave the car at home and I would take it to the local garage so he didn't have to drive it another 50 miles like that but he insisted on taking to work and getting them done at kwik fit in his lunch break.

I ignored him all last night and he just carried on acting like I was being OTT and eventually I confronted him and said I felt like I couldn't trust him (this is the latest in a long history of laziness and neglect and an attitude of leave it to the last minute and someone else (me) will probably do it) and he just threw it back in my face.

I just want to know if other people think he's in the wrong and should have at least apologised. If it was me I would've been mortified (not that I would have ever let it get to that point but I could give him the benefit of the doubt if he showed a bit of remorse).

Your husband is an irresponsible idiot. The best thing that could happen to him would be getting pulled over by the cops. Most Kwik Fit centres are open Saturday and Sunday. There is absolutely no excuse for either of you getting the tyres replaced.

You are just as reckless as he is OP, in that you knew about it too but still choose to put your DC in a car that wasn't legally on the road let alone safe. To prove a point that it was his responsibility, you put your DCs and your own life at risk. What exactly did that achieve? You've been very lucky you weren't all killed.

I disagree with most posters OP, you shouldn't have to take every every single job in the home because your DH is too lazy to do anything.

I do think you need to have a serious conversation / think about how you move forward, whether you want to continue life with this man. Make it clear to him how unacceptable his behaviour is. I would be clear about which jobs are whose, there will be no more nagging or reminding, but if they're not done on time, I would say that is the end of the relationship.

My DP was made an orphan at 14 because his sister was 'laid back' about the car tyres being safe. She was driving when the tyre blew out and both parents were killed on impact.
I'd save the life-admin battles for something less life-threatening.

I know he's useless and i would say 90% in the wrong here..... but in issues of safety I think you actually need to take some responsibility.

If dh told me his car might need new tyres I would check them out or ask a more knowledgeable friend to (I speak as someone who knows nothing about cars). A couple of times I've noticed things need doing on our cars (mainly new windscreen wipers or lights) and taken responsibility for them.

I used to have to nag my DH to do stuff. I have now programmed reminders for EVERYTHING into his phone so Apple do the nagging for me

@Doradolittle
How sad

Yes he's irresponsible etc, but since you allowed yourself and your children to be driven around by him in it (not sure why he has to do that..?), why didn't you just sort it.

In my relationship, we just work as a team. We don't have assigned responsibilities, we're not perfect, we each let things go when we shouldn't, but the other one picks up the slack, we just get on with things and get them done.

OP you came to the Dragons den, MN hates illigal cars, almost as much as tax evaders. Personally the whole legal aspect of your post doesn’t bother me. But you were aware of the issue so you are not completely innocent.

My DH is also pretty laid back. Same as you all car maintenance is his responsibility. However he is on the ball with that.

We had a similar situation on my car, one tire was damaged when my suspension broke. DH took a day off to fix it (He does all repairs himself). He didn’t fixed tire though. He said it was bad but still legal. And seeing as it was pretty new that we should just keep a eye on it.

When I go in for its MOT every time I get told about it. But luckily it’s still borderline legal.

JaneEyre How do you know OP put DC in a car that wasn't road legal? The car and tyres WERE ROAD LEGAL when OP instructed her husband to get them changed. They weren't below the legal limit when she nagged. She only just found out they're below the legal limit. Her husband is an adult you she trusted to get them changed, but when she found out he hadn't she was upset.

Think some PP on her she cut OP some slack. Too many fucking holy than thou types on here.

I think a lot of people are missing the fact that I only found out the tyres were below the legal limit last night, before that yes I knew they needed to be monitored but I trusted him to monitor them. I did not wilfully drive my children around in the snow on unsafe tyres and I was shocked that he had let it get so bad. He is my husband, not a child, if I can't trust him to keep us safe the what's the point?

Flowerpot I would love to say the same about us but the only one picking up any slack is me and there's only so much one person can do.

Thanks for all the supportive messages, now I just need to work out where to go from here.

chirpy thank you, I'm glad someone could understand what I was trying to say

Obviously nagging hasn’t gotten the results you were hoping for. Sounds like you need a new strategy, OP. When it comes to car maintenance, be firm because it’s a safety issue and you should NEVER compromise when it comes to the safety of your family and others on the road.

When you took your vehicle in over the summer and were told the tires needed to be replaced in the next 1,000 miles, you should have told your husband, “The tires need to be replaced in the next 30 days. Either you do it by June 1st, or I’ll be taking it in myself shortly thereafter and you’ll need to make arrangements to take the bus to work while it’s in the shop.” Don’t nag or remind him other than letting him know what the deadline is once. And the most important part of this strategy is FOLLOW THROUGH. If he arrives home on May 31st without new tires, you take the keys from him. Hide them if you must. There should be no deadline extensions granted, regardless of how much he argues with you about it or promises to do better next time.

Then, take the car in for the maintenance at your earliest convenience. Don’t drop everything to do it last minute for him so he doesn’t have to be without a vehicle. If that means he’s without a car for 3-4 days until you have time to take it in, oh well, guess he should have taken it to the mechanic before the deadline. Once he experiences the natural consequences of his poor decisions and learns that you are no longer willing to budge on this issue, perhaps he’ll find some motivation to be an adult and manage his own car maintenance. If not, you’ve got a bigger issue on your hand.

What a stupid tit he is, putting his and others lives at risk

FFS she shouldn't have to nag him he should have just done it because he is an ADULT.

People who can't adult shouldn't be allowed adult privileges like driving cars. He can get a taxi/train/bus to work from now on since being a responsible car owner is beyond him.

Women getting blamed for feckless husbands being feckless. What the actual fuck.

OP absolutely should take over all the car maintenance issues since her husband can't be trusted to be grown up enough to do it. He can take over all the cleaning and other shite the OP has to do already instead.

Stop doing something that is currently your responsibility. When he whines about it tell him you are 'keeping an eye on it'

Washing his work clothes for example. Or keeping the fridge stocked up with his favourite yoghurt. Fucker.

I’d be considering leaving him. He clearly has no respect for you and is a danger to you, your DC and all other road users if this is his attitude.

Good idea, but at least I should be grateful that he does his own washing and he will occasionally put the dishwasher on unprompted and he's a fairly hands on Dad. The workload I'm talking about is more mental, like sorting the finances, switching the mortgage and energy supplier, school applications, christmas, I organised our entire wedding almost single-handedly. I'm the manager, he's the employee. If I drop one of these balls it will just make my life harder :(

Ugh nothing more unsexy than a man child

He’s not laid back he’s lazy and selfish. That’s why he’s not dealt with the very dangerous issue that is the tyres.

Once the work was done on the headlights would it have been that much of a chore to take it to kwik fit or wherever and get the tyres done there and then? For either of you?

Although he drives the car more than you do you are both responsible for its upkeep as the fine and points could/would affect both of you wouldn’t it? Not to mention the possibility of a nasty accident possibly involving your DC. That alone would have meant I just went and sorted it out myself and gave my OH an earful afterwards.

So has he taken it to kwikfit now? If he had an accident insurance probably would not pay up and police would prosecute. He would be lucky to only get points.

OP you don't want your DC growing up hearing arguments but are happy for him to be driven around by your arsehole husband in a death trap? Unfuckingbelievable.

I don't want my son growing up around screaming rows

There's a good chance your son won't grow up at all if his parents keep transporting him in a dangeroulsy unsafe car.......

You already knew your dh was irresponsible and not keeping on top of car maintenance, for the sake of a peaceful life you stopped bringing it up with him - I say just lazy and careless when it comes to car maintenance.....It was serviced last summer and he was advised to replace all of the tyres within a few months/so many 1000 miles after the service....I've had to nag him numerous times to do it and every time I'm greeted with the same incredulous eye rolling reaction so I try not to say anything

Going forward, i wouldn't 'take over' the car maintenance - that's just enabling him even further.
What i would do is keep an eye on/check the car service reports for myself, and on the due date check for myself if the work has been done.
If it hasn't then i would refuse to get in his car and i certainly wouldn't allow dc to travel in it until the job is done.

If he insists on driving around with dangerous tyres etc, i wouldn't think twice about reporting him to the police.....that's the very least you can do considering you know he's putting the life of other drivers/people at risk each time he gets the car on the road.

For your longterm future - i'm sure you can do better than spend the rest of your life with this lazy, selfish and inconsiderate manchild.

It's illegal to drive a car with tyres like this www.nopenaltypoints.co.uk/defectivetyres.html

This would probably also invalidate your insurance

You are as responsible as him if there is an accident as you let him drive the car even though the garage has said it was dangerous

If you don't have time to deal with the maintenance, get rid of it, before he kills somebody