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AIBU?

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Original poster

Had enough

37 replies

RunDownAndStampedOn · 23/01/2018 21:36

So my ex decided today that he wants money from me out of child benefit because he has our children 3 night a week. I've told him no. he's now saying that he's applying for the child benefit if i don't agree and because they'll probably award it to me given that they do live with me, he's going to keep trying claim it every two weeks. So basically his children will have no money every time he puts in a counter claim.
What can i do? He sees them every week, and i gave him money in summer and Christmas.
He's made hints previously that he could just not fetch the kids home when he's meant to. We have no court agreement in place because everything he's asked for i have given him. Eg block weeks during summer, birthdays and Christmas, bank holidays and his family meals out etc.
We have been separated over a year now, and it's every few months he pulls shit like this. Making things difficult for the sake of getting at me. He's actually a great dad, but on the flip side does a great dad do this to his kids mum?
Has anyone been through this or anything similar? And do you have any advice? Its like he's always trying to control me in one way or another and I've had enough.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 23/01/2018 21:38

Say no and get a court agreement in place

UpstartCrow · 23/01/2018 21:39

As far as I know only one person can claim it, and its the person the kids live with. So he can whistle for it.
It sounds like he's being goady and trying to get you to see a solicitor.

Babyroobs · 23/01/2018 21:42

Could you claim for one child each seeing as he has them almost half the week ? Does he pay maintainance?

Nickname99 · 23/01/2018 21:42

I'd advise you go and see a solicitor and get an agreement in place - this will limit how much he can mess you around. He sounds horrible.

Charlotte987 · 23/01/2018 21:44

Sounds like a horrible person! I would probably call child benefit just to make them aware of the threat he has made, but I very much doubt they'd accept more than one claim attempt. He's threatening you to try and get his own way - definitely a control freak. I'd point out to him that (and this is my assumption) that you do most of the providing for your kids, so that money is yours to provide for them. The only people he is going to spite are his own children.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 23/01/2018 21:47

Why is he not paying you child maintenance? If he is having them 3 nights a week that isn’t 50/50 so he should be paying something.

Crispbutty · 23/01/2018 21:47

Could you divide it into 7, multiply by 3 then give him that? Then you both have the right amount for the days you have them.

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 23/01/2018 21:51

Child benefit is money towards feeding and clothing your kids, and it's for every day of the month,

I can understand your ex and if this was a post about a male claiming child benefit and not letting his female ex partner have a share of the money the replies would be so different...

The truth is the child benefit is not living expenses money for you, it's money to be used for the kids, and since he has them almost half of the week, why can't he have some of the money to use for expenses the same way you do.?....

Original poster
RunDownAndStampedOn · 23/01/2018 21:52

he is goady, he tries to twist anything i say to make it fit with whats in his head then he can tell everyone that I'm stopping him seeing his children. They have been every weekend since we split over a year ago, bar one time one child came home early poorly. He sent child home i didn't demand it or anything.
I know i need a court order, so I've applied today to see a mediator as that's the first step before Any court will accept it.
I feel like crap and all I've done today is cry. I have given this man children to be proud of and all he can give me is grief.
I would never have thought it would come to going to court, but i don't feel I have any other option. I still want him to see his children,i just want it on paper, that they live with me and see him the days we already agreed on. I don't need the worry of is he going to not bring them home this week. im losing sleep, having panic attacks and have been off work because of this man so all advice is appreciated.

OP posts:
DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 23/01/2018 21:54

Am I in an alternate universe here? Confused OP he should be paying you child maintenance. You don’t have a 50/50 arrangement. Contact CMO and ask them to do a calculation based on the contact schedule you have with him.

Original poster
RunDownAndStampedOn · 23/01/2018 22:05

sorry, i do get child maintenance. this is why he's doing it. He didn't want to pay, for six months i left him alone to get on his feet. When I asked him for a contribution he laughed and told me i'd get nothing because he had them 3 times a week. He sent me smarmy texts. I asked him for less than the calculated amount, because he's my childrens father, and my reasoning is i don't want to see him with nothing. I have been nothing but accommodating. He now pays what they told him to pay

OP posts:
DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 23/01/2018 22:09

Oh well then just ignore him. Call child benefit tomorrow and tell them what he has threatened to do. Did he say it in a text?

Original poster
RunDownAndStampedOn · 23/01/2018 22:15

yes he said it on a text. I rang child benefit to see if he could do that, they said they can't stop any one making a claim or how often. They also said that whilst a counter claim is in place they put the original claim on hold until they have the evidence where the children live. When they have that, they reinstate it. This will leave his children with no money every time he tries to claim.

OP posts:
ViceAdmiralAmilynHoldo · 23/01/2018 22:16

Child Benefit goes to the resident parent. Only one person can claim. His claim will not stop your money. If you got on well with him you could each claim for one child and get £20.70 for each, instead of the reduced amount for the second (£13.70). But that would leave him 20 up and you 13 down.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 23/01/2018 22:20

Was he abusive during your relationship? I can’t understand why he seems to think you’re such a pushover?

If he puts in a claim I would speak to a solicitor. You have evidence he has threatened to do it deliberately to deprive your children of money.

Original poster
RunDownAndStampedOn · 23/01/2018 22:21

i was going to offer him a child to claim for, however last year he pulled a few stunts that left me thinking he'd use it as a leverage to get full custody so i was advised not to. I cannot trust this man at all.

OP posts:
Notasperfectasallothermners · 23/01/2018 22:25

You need to keep receipts op. For food, toiletries, clothes, shoes, everything you buy for your dc. Letter from their school that you pay for school luncbes /clubs etc. He would have to state what he provides for the dc to justify having the cb paid to him - he won't be able to but you will. When they suspend your claim, write to them including copies of all you spend on the dc.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 23/01/2018 22:27

Don’t give him anything. He’s a nasty bastard threatening that.

Original poster
RunDownAndStampedOn · 23/01/2018 22:34

no he was never abusive. quite the opposite. We just never really communicated. I did everything for the children during the week, school, clubs, tea bath and bed. Shopping, house work and a job on top. I still do what i did then its just we aren't together any more. He's punishing me for leaving him because i had feelings for someone else. I have let him walk all over me since and that's my own fault

OP posts:
DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 23/01/2018 22:36

Well time to stop letting him. Guilt won’t feed your kids.

Original poster
RunDownAndStampedOn · 23/01/2018 22:54

Being A single parent, they are able to have free school dinners but they want packed lunches so that is what they get. This costs me around £20 for one week just for the things they will eat. I've bought five pairs of shoes since September. I also gave him money in December. This was a good will gesture to put towards any Christmas presents he wanted to buy because i know he had bills but not the luxury of any child benefits. I am savvy with money, and do not spend unnecessarily. Bills first, children next. What's left is saved in case of any emergency that might occur. Eg. Broken car or unexpected gas bill
I don't buy anything for myself, and i more less live off pasta. Its cheap and i like it. I last bought myself clothes back in June 2016 and a 16.99 pair of boots four weeks ago because the sole wore through on my old pair. I don't go out at all so he can't say I'm funding a lavish lifestyle either.
I don't keep receipts for the things i buy them but i guess ill start having to now.

OP posts:
DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 23/01/2018 22:57

Your bank statement might show some of the places you shopped for the DC?

Wetwashing00 · 23/01/2018 23:04

I’ve had to deal with a cf of an ex for 8 years. He tried to pull this crap too but it didn’t get him anywhere.
He doesn’t pay me child maintenance as I don’t deserve it apparently?!
I have never given him money, but have let him pick and choose his contact days in the past. Until he started fucking that up to suit himself.
He now has his DD Every other weekend, he buys her everything she needs to be at his for that full weekend and sometimes block weeks in half term/summer etc...
Just stand your ground and don’t give in, keep on fighting for what you rightly deserve as the responsible qualifying parent.
My ex wouldn’t even entertain the idea of mediation until I stopped contact (for a safeguarding issue)
He has his contact re-instated then stopped turning up for meetings.
He is a great dad to her but for obvious reasons he’s a shit co-parent.

Ellapaella · 23/01/2018 23:13

Child benefit is there for the benefit of the child not the parent.Why would you offer to give him the benefit for one child when they spend the majority of time with you? It's your money to benefit the children as they are in your care for the majority of time.
He's trying it on, he can claim as much as he likes but he won't get anything, in fact every time he threatens that why don't you threaten to speak to a solicitor about claiming back every penny of maintenance that he probably owes you?

Original poster
RunDownAndStampedOn · 23/01/2018 23:23

I spend every day on my card,a lot are same shop transactions, sometimes twice a day. I ask when they go to school what they'd like for tea that night and go get it during the day. each child may want something different, so that's what they get. I'll pick them up, one might have changed their mind, or i remember we have run out of juice and back to the shops we go. I know at Christmas, i spent a lot of money on them. I saved all year to give them things they got.
He rang me a few weeks ago, and he spoke to me like crap. My eldest was in the room at the time, heard every word and spent the night in tears. I haven't told him he was overheard and our eldest child was upset. he'll tell me that was my fault and i don't need the aggro of being accused that I'm causing our child to be upset by how he spoke me.

OP posts:
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