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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is not on, relative sending letters liabelling to me to my .....IN LAWS!!

42 replies

seriouslycanthisgetWORSE · 23/01/2018 19:15

Honestly!

A relative has written to my husband about me, utter nasty rubbish, besmirching me and my DF who has recently died....and sent this and another nasty letter to my bloody in laws, whom I do not get on with!

Mil will be relishing in this! She already loves to put my family down....we have massive issues with her, my dh and I have been to relate a few times about them and boundaries etc.

Can I do something legally about this ridiculousness?

The letters are about my DF and his passing, they are barely concealed contempt for DF - one letter saying its disrespectful not to tell family when someone passes away then spending a page on really nasty stuff about my DF...

The other letter is nasty about the grave stone, the wording saying " I took my father to the grave to pay respects to his brother and we were highly amused by the wording, you clearly do not know your father or your like him, a wastrel etc etc etc. ( its lovely wording and an appropriate quote which is lovely) this brother never bothered or visited my ill dad who lived round the corner for decades. NOr did his daughter who also wrote nasty letters. they know I have this diffuclult relationship with my in laws hence copying them in.

Ie pay respects then laugh and say nasty things about the wording but but but...copying in my in laws! Can I do anything legal about this?

OP posts:

52FestiveRoad · 23/01/2018 19:23

Why has your uncle written to your in-laws? What does he expect them to do- send you to your room without any supper? Its not really a matter for your DH either. You can put what you like on your DF gravestone, his brother does not like it then tough. Did your uncle pay for the grave stone? If not he case he just needs to suck it up. As for the legal side I would let it go, it can be costly to start litigation, it really is not worth the bother.

mickeysminnie · 23/01/2018 19:27

As annoying as it is, ignore it! You obviously don't have a close relationship with them sowhy would you give a shiny shit about what they think. And the same goes for your inlaws. Ignore.

MatildaTheCat · 23/01/2018 19:28

No, it’s not illegal to insult someone I’m afraid.

However, they sound utterly horrid and you know the truth. Only someone very bitter would write that to a bereaved daughter. Copying in your in laws is crazy. I suggest you go very, very, very low contact with them all for a really long time.

And obviously remain silent.

Notasperfectasallothermners · 23/01/2018 19:29

Dump them all.
Live happy ever after.

We are nc with my ils and life is truly bliss.
I am nc with my dps also.
Life is too short to deal with people and their crap.

Spend the rest of the week ranting out loud in your home then start next week afresh without mentioning them.
Really works.

etap · 23/01/2018 19:31

Bunch of arseholes better out your life than in it.

Chin up, and move on NC.

serisouslycanthisgetWORSE · 23/01/2018 19:37

I already have zero relationships with these people only by dint I am the very youngest in the family, so never played with the cousins although my siblings did I am a good decade behind, we didnt live near them when I was growing up and they have never ever bothered with me.

I have had zero to do with them and neither did DF. However my DB is well in with them and this is where all this is coming from. He wasnt mentioned in DF will.

Its hard now on MN to say too much because of the daily bloody fail - but they seem furious they were denied the chance to disrupt his - my DF funeral.
So going no contact - I am already.

But I think saying they have sent letters to my in laws crosses a line, In these letters one accuses me of emptying out a relatives bank account after death...one accuses me of never working and even goes so far to say I have deliberately married a man who can keep me in a good life without having to work. ( dh is actually the poorest by far of all the men I ever dated) they really are nasty nasty letters.

My dsis was in an abusive relationship when she was younger with a rich but violent drunk, this letter says something like " hopefully like disis ex husband...YOU ( my DH) will wake up and leave her"

In my life I think I have spoken to both uncle and cousin a total in my life of ten mins max if that.

I am already low contact with in laws - but the spite of sending them these letters, DH already has massive issues with his DP who are controlling, he was in therapy when I met him due to his DP.

They are the only family my DC have now - as all passed away on my side ( the lovely ones) so its not as easy as no contact in their side and sending this nasty stuff to them is really really awful.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 23/01/2018 19:39

Completely ignore it. They've done it to hurt you, to wind you up. Pretend there was no letter. Pretend you have heard nothing at all about it. If shown the letter, mutter something about weird pranksters and look bored. It will drive them all nuts. Win for you. Mainly avoid the lot of them though.

Notasperfectasallothermners · 23/01/2018 19:40

Really your dc do not need these sort of relatives in their lives. My dc manage more than fine without any gps .
You should be protecting your dc from the likes of them tbh.

windchimesabotage · 23/01/2018 19:43

you might be able to do something if you send them a simple message back saying not to contact you again. Then if they contact you again or send nasty letters to other people about you, it would constitute harrassment and you could report it to the police. They would take it seriously because I was in a similar situation with someone and the police took it very seriously and went to issue her with a harrassment warning.
You do have to have no contact with them beyond asking them to stop contacting you. You mustnt argue or respond to them.

DriggleDraggle · 23/01/2018 19:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

seriouslycanthisgetWORSE · 23/01/2018 19:54

@windchimesabotage

Thanks, I am calling DH work legal line tomorow I will mention this.

Cousin lives a long way away but visits DB regularly who lives near, she says, " perhaps when I am next down with DB I will come round and you can explain your actions to me"

I wonder if I should respond that if she comes to my door I will call the police immediately.

I need something legal to push back with. If anyone reading this has a really hard relationship with their MIL, imagine this! She puts my family down, always treats me like the worse thing my dh could have married, scowls whenever dc or myself mention my dear departed dm...has been rude about my family but never asks me about them !

I think the letters speak for themselves on how nasty they are but not to mil..she will be rubbing hands with glee.

OP posts:

Original poster

seriouslycanthisgetWORSE · 23/01/2018 19:56

driggle

Yes - lots of nasty comments. I wouldn't necessarily pursue it but some legal letter of push back to tell them to F off would be good.

Love the advice of ranting in house all week. I agree saying nothing to all of them would be best idea but FIL loves involving himself in a drama like this - has inflated self importance the last thing I want him to do is start responding back to them!

So wondering if DH should warn them and ask them not to respond...

OP posts:

Wakeuptortoise · 23/01/2018 19:57

How bizarre they have done this. What sad little lives they all have. Are they all very local and insular? It's infuriating and provoking, exactly the reaction they want because they have nothing else in their lives. Luckily you don't have to engage with them. I suppose the spiteful inlaws gleefully showed you the awful letter. Can you get a copy for future evidence?

etap · 23/01/2018 19:58

You don't need anything legal to push back with. Family arseholes have said a load of hurtful crap, just tell them to fuck off and be done with it.

Serin · 23/01/2018 20:02

What a horrible crew they all are.
My guess is that they are jealous of you in some way and resent your success/lifestyle.
I wold do as PP suggests and send a polite letter stating that if they contact you again, you will contact the police re harassment.

LittleFeileFooFoo · 23/01/2018 20:11

Sounds like spot grapes to me. Your df cut your db out of his will? If so,that's what this is about. He is equating money with love. You are more loved, he's trying to hurt you because he is hurt.
You can't possibly fix this, nothing will do it. It's not rational, threats our legal action will probably make him dig in.

I would ignore it and when in laws bring it up just say df liked you best.

LittleFeileFooFoo · 23/01/2018 20:50

That would be sour grapes.

Rainbunny · 23/01/2018 21:38

I'm somewhat confused OP, are you saying that your own DB is close to these relatives and that your DB was left out of out your DF's will? Or do you mean your DF's DB who was left out of the will?

Writing a legal cease and desist letter is possible, a solicitor can do that but be aware any consequences referred to in the letter would be meaningless as there isn't much you can do about what they've written realistically. Also, any accusations of libel would require your inlaws to produce the letter you believe was written to them and from the sounds of it your MIL may not give it to you.

One thing you could do is to call 101, as more than anything this sounds like harassment, writing poison pen letters like this to you and your inlaws. At the least you could ask for advice about it. What awful sheer spite directed at you from people who you barely know. Just thank god that you aren't like them!

SersioulycanitgetWORSE · 23/01/2018 21:54

Rain its my df brother who had written letter and his daughter. My dB is very close to the them but was estranged from df for decades....and from me. they literally don't know me. And never bothered with df either.

I want something legal, because I feel vulnerable.. I fear some people in the family are like powder kegs so to just have something simple written back that it's logged and police are aware would just make them think twice should they be planning anything. I can't say much.

LittleFeileFooFoo · 23/01/2018 21:54

Sorry, did i create a problem? I thought op said db. I thought it was her db. I could be wrong about that. But it made sense with the mention of the will.

SersioulycanitgetWORSE · 23/01/2018 21:55

Yes dB left out.. He is obsessed with wills and is obsessed with my uncles will too ..

SersioulycanitgetWORSE · 23/01/2018 21:55

I know it's dB behind all this.

Curtainshopping · 23/01/2018 22:27

It’s not libel because it’s not published. It’s a private letter.

Harassment is a better bet.

Hissy · 23/01/2018 22:29

They will be looking for a reaction.

If you don’t give them one, it will upset them more than anything imaginable

I know it’s hard, but don’t bite.

If mil dares to say anything, just ignore and change the subject, or just laugh in her face in that really fucking annoying way Teresa May attempts to deflect a question, a haughty laugh full of contempt

mrsharrison · 23/01/2018 22:43

Some relatives tried this shit with me. I strained at the bit to bite back.
A friend calmed me and encouraged me to ignore.
I have it on good authority that these wharf rats were flaming that all their hard work was not acknowledged.
Honestly nothing winds them up more.
If you do have to take action, do it when you've calmed down - more satisfying that way.

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