to think that I'm not heartless or cruel

[damelorente]

because I don't want to share a bed with my 5 year old?

MIL told me I am. She lets DS share her bed when he has sleepovers at her house. I have never liked to bed share; he has always been in his own cot, then bed. On the few occasions we have had to bed share (when staying with relatives etc) I have hated it. DS could pass for 6/7 and takes up so much room. He always wants to be lying on top of you/right next to you. I can't just push him off the way I would with DH if he was being overly cuddly and annoying to me. I have never had a good nights sleep with DS in the bed. Its like torture to me.

I think beds are for sleeping/sex. We don't have a TV or anything interesting to do in our bedroom. MIL has a TV and lets DS eat snacks, play on the ipad an generally chill out before falling asleep in bed with her. This is obviously no kind of bed time routine so we would not do it at our house anyway.

He has sometimes cries to be allowed to sleep in our bed and its getting me down, especially after MIL told me I am heartless and cruel and should just let him sleep in our bed. She said I am worse than an animal, that even animals sleep with their young. Some animals also eat their young. We are not animals so I find this a pointless comparison.

I don't want to see DS upset but I also don't want him in our bed, making me have a terrible nights sleep, feeling groggy and tired at work, ruining mine and DH's sex life and so on.

AIBU to think I'm not cruel?

This topic always brings out the sanctimonious twats, doesn't it?

YANBU at all, OP. Co-sleeping is not for everyone, and the alternative is not cruel (despite what some on this thread would have you believe). I don't even enjoy co-sleeping with my DH at the moment due to his wildebeest-like snoring!

Your MIL and your friend are are weird.

What you’re doing is perfectly normal and your son will not be mentally scarred FFS.

@Titty - congratulations on your extraordinarily adventurous sex life

Time for you to ‘speak as you see’ to your MIL.

I'm a very light sleeper indeed and never could stand my kids in bed with me. Though I love them unreservedly it drives me insane as I need a lot of sleep and they do wriggle!

Your MIL and friend seem to have this idea that it's 'bad' for your child? Well mine, now 11 & 13, have established excellent sleep patterns on the back of it and I believe it's promoted self-reliance, confidence and the ability to self-sooth so she can suck on that!

Mind you, I disagree that beds are only for sleeping and sex. They're definitely for reading in.

I think it depends on the reason why he wants to be in your bed tbh.

If he's ill fair enough-then either you or your husband could go to his bed?

When my husband worked away me & the 2 kids would all sleep in my bed.

They knew that it didn't happen when he was there so, so it didn't become a habit.

The kids sometimes would sleep in just one of their beds also, as well.(they have a double each).

My MIL would think it outrageous for a married couple to sleep seperately-I can't see the big deal if it seems to be necessary tbh.

Occasionally letting him in with both or one of you doesn't ake it a "family bed" imo.

Your def not cruel! We have never co sleeped with ds 4 even when he was a baby unless poorly

We have never co slept, our bed is for us, and to be honest neither of our kids would actually sleep!
Its not cruel, or selfish or anything else, its up to you what you do. Its not sad that the bed is the only place you have sex, its normal!
Dont let anyone guilt trip you into doing it if you dont want to. If you do thats fine, but do it because you want to not because you feel guilty.
Yes, adults share a bed, but from the time i was born until i was 27 i (mostly) slept alone and i'm fine! We sleep with our partners because they are our partners, not because we dont want to sleep alone

My DS loves sharing a bed and if he has a nightmare cuddling up gives him the security to calm down and go back to sleep if he’s poorly he needs that security and reassurance so would never deny him that and I guess that’s where your MIL is coming from. I don’t think a child needing comfort in such situations is them getting their own way. But every parent and child is different

I have one I could share with and one I couldn't. But neither regularly. No not cruel.

She said I am worse than an animal, that even animals sleep with their young.

How rude.

Sounds like her habits are causing problems for your ds. Maybe time to stop sleepovers?

Your MIL is an arse and your friend isn't much better.

I never co-slept with any of my three, even when they were newborns. The youngest is now 15. All seem to have survived somehow without being mentally scarred for life.

You are not being heartless or cruel. Co-sleeping isn't for everyone. Plenty of us didn't do it.

I never slept with mine. I was worried about rolling on them, and given that I can't stand being too warm in bed, would never had had any sleep at all if they were touching me in bed, I'd be too hot.

Hell, I never even cuddled Ex while asleep, we had a king sized bed and a definite gap in the middle .

If the DCs need comfort at night, Ex and/or I would be in their room, they didn't come into ours.

I agree completely with the sentiment that what is right for one person/family could be very wrong for another. As I put in my original post I co-sleep with my kids as we all enjoy it for the time being. In fact I sleep better that way as I'm not constantly on the alert for sounds of distress coming from their bedrooms as they are right beside me. Also the night time cuddles are well worth the occasional kick!

But that's just me (and my DH who is not only fully on board but was the one to originally suggest co-sleeping). Other people's sleeping arrangement are none of my concern, and even if I do privately wonder why anyone would deny a distressed child the comfort of a few hours' co-sleeping, I accept that it is a matter of personal preference and would never judge anyone as a 'better' or 'worse' mum because of this. We all do our very best, and children are such different sleepers that I don't doubt that some would be very uncomfortable indeed to co-sleep with!

In terms of practicality we have a single bed of the exact same height as our double in the corner of the bedroom with our big double bed pressed up next to it. The eldest sleeps in the single bed right next to me and the youngest between me and my husband. It works for us.

However my kids also have a bedroom each and know that if at any time they should wish to sleep in their own room, they have that option. So far they have both elected to stay with us but we do remind them of their own beds once in a while. I am sure they will start to naturally prefer their own rooms as they get older.

Your not cruel or heartless, your DS has clearly been comfortable sleeping alone in his own bed in his own room on a regular basis and no doubt has the ability to self-soothe himself. It's not heartless to settle him in his own bed rather than let him in with you, so long as he's settled and loved. Plenty of people settle their children back into their own bedrooms rather than bringing them in their bed, especially when you have more than 1, you have created a routine and set boundaries which worked for the three of you. The issue is Mil has thrown a spanner in the works that has got him wondering, it's more her habits are affecting your DC not your own choices, it sounds like your own choices were perhaps perfectly fine till these sleepovers started?

I had this with Exmil and she would say similar things and co-slept with them when they stayed over but she wouldn't say the same now! because I share a bed with my partner and he is not their dad so now its the other way around she now doesn't like the idea of cosleeping because he's not their dad, she picked a side when it suited her.

Your MIL is single and has been so for years...

that's not what you want from your life.

SO often parents throw everything into raising the kids and then lose themselves in the process. Keeping your relationship alive and healthy is as important a part of FAMILY life as anything else is.

Your friend is a dick!

Your not cruel at all! Your mil sounds like a tit. I’ve got no issue with purple who chose to co - sleep (I personally don’t) but to tell you your wrong for not doing so is ridiculous, how do you feel about your mil sharing a bed with your DS? If your not ok with it then you need to speak up he’s your son you call the shots. I agree wit the others on here it’s none of her business what you do.

No, I've never shared my bed with DS. It's ok have your bed as your own space if you choose to. And if you choose to share that's ok too.

I'm a bit cruel and heartless sometimes according to MIL.

We co-slept, and my daughter still comes through in the mornings for cuddles.

MIL has big issues about it.

I've had to pick which battles to fight. She's my daughter and I'm in charge and make the rules (mostly).

I'd find it a bit weird, bit like those who don't let children in their rooms ever, but mine loved coming for a cuddle or sleeping with us through the night if I'll or scared of the storm etc. Id never turn them away because I'd rather gave sex so am with your friend on that point.

Mine is nearly 5,

Has her own room, bed.
Goes off to sleep no problem at all.

OH / her Dad doesn’t live with us.
Quite often when it’s only me here she’ll appear at 1/2am asking a for a snuggle.
She’s very welcome & who wants to get up & put her back to bed in the middle of the night.

Sometimes I wake up & she’s snoring next to me.
She’s not daft only ever sneaks in when she knows it’s just me.

We sometimes nap & we’ll both jump in my bed.

On the other side of the coin my 20 year old cousin was never allowed in her parents room, never napped, had a cuddle, slept in bed with her Mum.
They have a crap relationship.
Not close whatsoever.

I don’t think you’re heartless or cruel though it’s each to their own!

Just maybe make it very clear that happens at Nannie’s but not here.

Some folk do chill in bed more, iPads etc so why not let the grand kids jump in.

Some folk don’t.

Really hope your MIL is not telling your DS all this stuff about cruelty. If he thinks his own mother is being cruel to him, and ought to sleep with him because animals do, he'll likely be a hell of a lot more distressed, and why would MIL want that?!

My bed is my bed, ds has his own bed that's his, he doesn't come in mine, he's a horrible sleeper (SEN) and I'd rather not be awake for half the night!