Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that I'm not heartless or cruel

75 replies

damelorente · 23/01/2018 11:56

because I don't want to share a bed with my 5 year old?

MIL told me I am. She lets DS share her bed when he has sleepovers at her house. I have never liked to bed share; he has always been in his own cot, then bed. On the few occasions we have had to bed share (when staying with relatives etc) I have hated it. DS could pass for 6/7 and takes up so much room. He always wants to be lying on top of you/right next to you. I can't just push him off the way I would with DH if he was being overly cuddly and annoying to me. I have never had a good nights sleep with DS in the bed. Its like torture to me.

I think beds are for sleeping/sex. We don't have a TV or anything interesting to do in our bedroom. MIL has a TV and lets DS eat snacks, play on the ipad an generally chill out before falling asleep in bed with her. This is obviously no kind of bed time routine so we would not do it at our house anyway.

He has sometimes cries to be allowed to sleep in our bed and its getting me down, especially after MIL told me I am heartless and cruel and should just let him sleep in our bed. She said I am worse than an animal, that even animals sleep with their young. Some animals also eat their young. We are not animals so I find this a pointless comparison.

I don't want to see DS upset but I also don't want him in our bed, making me have a terrible nights sleep, feeling groggy and tired at work, ruining mine and DH's sex life and so on.

AIBU to think I'm not cruel?

OP posts:
Original poster
damelorente · 23/01/2018 12:44

MIL treats me more like a daughter than a DIL and speaks to me like she would do her own kids. She is very blunt, I don't think she means to be horrible, shes just one of those 'speak as I see' kind of people.

She has a separate bedroom for DS but they like to sleep together. She has always co slept with all her kids until they left of their own volition. She can't fathom why I wouldn't want to sleep with my child. MIL was always a single mum though and is still single now. I think the comfort was more for her than the DC/GrandDC

I don't mind what they do at her house, but I don't like it being brought into our house.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 23/01/2018 12:46

We co-slept. That worked for us.

But your MIL is completely out of order.

'If you don't like the way OUR family operate, you're very welcome not to be a part of it any more.'

cornflakegirl · 23/01/2018 12:46

I co-slept with DS when he was little, and if he's poorly or had a nightmare he might occasionally come in my bed, and one of us will move to his bed. But not regularly, because the bed isn't big enough and none of us sleep properly.

Why is your DS so anxious to sleep in your bed?

FizzyGreenWater · 23/01/2018 12:47

'Speak as I see' = I'm really quite rude.

Good enough reason to be equally blunt then.

'Say that again and you can fuck off. Oh sorry, just speaking as I find.'

hellsbellsmelons · 23/01/2018 12:47

I don't think I should have to have a miserable nights sleep for years to please him
Too right you shouldn't.
Your MIL would have hated me back in the day.

Tell her to mind her own business.

buffysummers4 · 23/01/2018 12:48

PS at this age I bet your 5 year old has picked up that it's a source of tension or that you feel bad about it and is asking because he knows it pushes your buttons. My nearly 4 year old has never asked to get into bed with us - I don't think he would consider it an option.
Can you try bright and breezy? 'Don't be silly, that's something you do at Grandma's.' (Unless you want to challenge MIL - I would find this most bizarre if my MIL did this and wouldn't be happy about it).

GabsAlot · 23/01/2018 12:48

hes only asking because mil lets him-just say its nannys house she lets you for a treat but we dont do it here

Graphista · 23/01/2018 12:49

I understand not co-sleeping full time but I have to say I find it unusual that you seemingly would refuse your child that comfort when they're scared/sad/ill. That seems to me a very natural reaction to if your child wants comfort in the night for whatever reason.

Separate beds is a very modern thing too. Until the last century it was common especially in poor families for beds to be shared.

Dd co-slept with me until she was about 4 then naturally wanted to be in her own bed more gradually but regularly if she felt like it would join me in bed until she was about 12 at weekends or if she woke in the night. Again she naturally stopped doing it herself.

Your choice but the occasional less than perfect nights sleep due to a child being ill/worried is part of parenting.

Original poster
damelorente · 23/01/2018 12:50

For those who do bed share with school age children, how do you go about a routine?

Our night time routine is always the same for the 3 of us:
dinner
card/board game (very 50's of us Blush)
bathroom
book and cuddles in bed
DS left to get him self to sleep
Few hours together time for DH and I before we slope off to bed.

What do you do when co sleeping? All go to bed at the same time? Put them to bed in your bed, then get in around them?

OP posts:
Spartaca · 23/01/2018 12:53

When ours went to sleep in our bed yes, they went to bed then we joined them. The 3 month old sleeps downstairs with us then comes up when we do. Now the bid kids (7 and 5) go to bed in their own rooms at bedtime and join us in the night if they need to. It is rare that they do now though, they naturally stopped when the small noisy one appeared. The 5 yr old often appears at about 4am though and joins us for a few hours.

But yanbu. I would think it odd if you wouldn't let him in when poorly or scared though.

livefornaps · 23/01/2018 12:54

I think your friend was being unfair and provocative.

It will be far better for your son to have parents who are well-rested and who have maintained a level of intimacy! Parenthood has a tendency to turn even the best of couples into "colleagues" - why not enjoy sleep, cuddles and sex with your husband in your own bed? Don't let anyone make you feel bad about it - they're just trying to make themselves feel better.

Tell your mother in law to keep her big beak out of your marriage.

JenniferL90 · 23/01/2018 12:54

If our child ever wants to sleep with us to the point of tears then yes, we would no question have her in with us.

She (like anyone) goes through phases of needing more comfort.

I don't sleep as well with her in the bed, but she won't want to do it for long and I do love having her close.

I also don't want to make her own bed/room seem like something she has to suffer. 99% of the time she sleeps there happily. If she's not happy then she shares with one of us as there's obviously something bugging her.

MichaelBendfaster · 23/01/2018 12:55

I discussed basically my OP with a friend and her reaction was 'so you getting your end away is more important than DS's mental well being and care?!'

Fucking hell. Are you surrounded by twattish people, OP?

Tell your MIL to mind her own jeffing business. If she can 'speak as she sees' then she needs to be able to take it from other people.

TittyGolightly · 23/01/2018 12:55

I don’t understand how apparently rational adults can think children should be independent sleepers without the comfort of sharing a bed but it’s fine and indeed normal for adults to bedshare. Weird.

DD (7) snuck in with me at 5am this morning. It was lovely waking up to her peaceful sleeping face when my alarm went off.

ididntmeanitlikethat · 23/01/2018 12:56

I never co-slept with my DS (unless away at friends/family with no other option). If he was poorly, I would get in his bed until he dosed off and then go back to my own. As such, he never saw our bed as an option. This was my choice though and plenty of my friends have chosen to co-sleep as it works better for them.

Your MIL shouldn't be so bloody judgy anyway and should respect your parenting decisions (whatever you choose)

JenniferL90 · 23/01/2018 12:56

And yes when we co-slept (until she was almost 4)

She would go to bed in the family bed. (One of us stays with her until she's asleep) and then we'd have a few hours to ourselves.

Plenty of places other than our main bed to have sex in. Shame if it's the only place you're ever doing it really.......

TittyGolightly · 23/01/2018 12:57

It will be far better for your son to have parents who are well-rested and who have maintained a level of intimacy!

Intimacy doesn’t only happen in bed. ;)

why not enjoy sleep, cuddles and sex with your husband in your own bed?

Why not try sex outside of the bedroom?

whiskyowl · 23/01/2018 13:00

This is a personal choice, not a welfare matter. Why can't people understand that there is enough room in the world for many, many different kinds of excellent mother? Why must women always say "Well, I do this, therefore everyone else should too!" Every circumstance, person, situation is slightly different. Something can be right for one person and very, very wrong for another.

Your mother is being unreasonable. Every woman on here who is insisting that her choice (on whatever side) is the right one for everybody because it is right for her is also being unreasonable.

Blackteadrinker77 · 23/01/2018 13:00

We have 3 children, fitting 5 in one bed would have been fun

Original poster
damelorente · 23/01/2018 13:02

Plenty of places other than our main bed to have sex in. Shame if it's the only place you're ever doing it really.......
Definitely not the only place, but the most natural place for sex to occur surely when you're both naked and spooning . . .
A lot harder if you've got a five year old radiator/octopus snoring between the two of you.

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 23/01/2018 13:03

I don't even let my dh sleep in the same bed as me Grin

The kids have a snowball in hells chance of doing it

Yanbu

DistanceCall · 23/01/2018 13:04

God forbid that a women - a mother, even! - should EVER put herself first, even in very minor things. Don't you know that the sole purpose of your existence now is to sacrifice your life and wellbeing for your children?

Tell your MIL to fuck off. Or even better, get your partner to tell his mother to zip it.

ladymarian · 23/01/2018 13:04

YANBU. I have never had my children in my bed! My bed is my only refuge! As babies I took them in to bed to feed them but always put them back in their Moses basket/cot afterwards. I was terrified of falling asleep with them in bed and suffocating them. Both moved to their own rooms at about 3 months. Luckily they were both good sleepers so was getting up every couple of hours. Your MIL is speaking out of turn.

BashStreetKid · 23/01/2018 13:05

Your friend is weird. The notion that a 5 year old's mental wellbeing rests on being able to share his parents' bed is bizarre.

In your shoes, I'd be cutting down on overnights at Granny's.

Original poster
damelorente · 23/01/2018 13:06

Funny how opinions can differ so wildly on the subject.
To me the idea of a 'family bed' is my idea of hell. The whole house is for family. I love having a space just for me and DH. Our bed seems the most reasonable option. Having a family bed would eliminate the only 'us' space we have.

OP posts: