AIBU to not want other people to bath my baby ?

[MummyCat1711]

We have a 5mo and live near my inlaws but 300miles from my parents. My DS is the second grandchild for my inlaws and they see my nephew several times a week and my FIL used to look after him for a whole day a week before he started school.

My inlaws have literally only seen our baby a few times and have never offered to help me in anyway with him. A few weeks ago
I got upset and told my DH that I felt unsupported . He agreed that his parents make way more effort with the other grandchild compared to with our DS and asked them to see him more.

Since then both of them have messaged me and asked to see him which is great... the only issue is my FIL has started coming over every week to bath the baby. I told him that the baby gets a bit ratty around 5.30 and his bed time is 6-6.30 so it would be best if he came at 4.30. He’s self employed and works from home so there’s no reason why he couldn’t come at this time.

All three times he’s come to do this he’s arrived about 5.20 by which time the baby is grumpy and needs to be in the bath and then to sleep. FIL wants to play with him and the baby always ends up crying ..... I know a lot of people say “my baby never cries” but unless my DS is tired or hungry he really doesn’t cry much, he loves bathtime normally but all three times FIL has bathed him he’s been inconsolably crying.
He then demands to hold him after the bath when all the baby wants is a breastfeed and a cuddle from me to fall asleep. FIL holds him while he cries and it makes me feel sick to watch, all I want to do is take DS off him. When FIL leaves the baby is then past the point of tiredness and takes hours to settle to sleep when normally he’d b asleep and settled by 6.30.

I feel guilty because I can see FIL is making an effort to see the baby but I dont think it’s fair to keep upsetting DS , he’s ruining his bath time and making him overtired.

Also part of the reason we wanted the inlaws to see the baby more was to take a little bit of pressure off me, but this situation is just making my days longer and more frustrating by having to deal with an overtired baby all evening which then leaves no time for me and my DH to even eat tea in peace or have a conversation.

Thegreatbeyond- yes DS loves bathtime with me or my DH (DH especially!) and we have him in a lovely calm bathtime routine which 8/10 works... it’s one of the only things as a new mum I feel I’ve actually done right ( wanted him to sleep in a cot, he wouldn’t , wanted him to have expressed milk occasionally, he won’t) so I just feel that his bath and bed routine is lovely and it upsets me to see it ruined for the sake of me not being ungrateful for the offer of help!

Tittygolightley- out of curiosity why don’t your PIL see your children as much as their others?

I meant bedtime routine

Sorry, OP, didn’t want that to sound mean. Titty if your DH is from a sons only family then there are only DsIL. In OP’s case there is a DD and a DIL, so different relationship. No,reason why DSs should get less support than DDs but it just tends to be that way.

I think you just need to step back a bit, think what might be helpful to you and see if PIL are able to help with that. When talking to them, maybe put a bit more emphasis on how you want them to be closely involved in their DGC’s lives rather than just stepping in to do chores.

Good luck!

Having said that if the baby enjoyed having FIL bath him I would have no issue with it and would happily put my feet up/sort out my house/ cook tea etc

Pearlsaginer yes I think generally involving them in his life is a good shout , so they can get to know him properly

Such a minefield with in laws. I also have a 5 month old and he is a terrible napper and so I'm really obsessive about him having regular 30 minute naps to get through the day without a meltdown. Now it's more of an effort to look after him my MIL just insists he's not interested in sleep because he's a clever baby. So frustrating because you don't want to be rude and I know she's trying! I do think possibly your in laws will be better when he's a bit older, babies aren't for everyone x

some old git who happens to be related to your husband

Nice

Tittygolightley- out of curiosity why don’t your PIL see your children as much as their others?

250 miles between us, mainly. But even when we travel up there (and we used to every 6 weeks or so) they were completely disinterested. I see it that we gave them a chance to know their grandchild and they’ve chosen not to. We now go up once a year for DD to see her cousins, but that’s it in terms of my attempts. DD doesn’t get Birthday or Xmas presents from them. I don’t know if it’s out of sight, out of mind, but it’s very hurtful to DH.

They also don’t phone, or Skype etc.

My parents saw more of DD from 5000 miles away than they did!

but in hindsight maybe I should have been more prescriptive about what I want them to do and when.

Or maybe you should just invite them over because you want to see them??

I see my DGC all the time, but I wouldn’t if their parents had that attitude!

Reading your recent post op I'm sorry for my comment. Even having my third one it never goes to plan so I get that feeling of getting the odd thing right and giving myself a high five.

I do still believe you need to be more forward and take some action yourself by letting them know when fil comes round bath time will be over.

My dd2 loves her bath time and has had one everyday for the past 2 years. It's also an important time for her bedtime routine. Hope you get it sorted!