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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want other people to bath my baby ?

86 replies

MummyCat1711 · 23/01/2018 08:26

We have a 5mo and live near my inlaws but 300miles from my parents. My DS is the second grandchild for my inlaws and they see my nephew several times a week and my FIL used to look after him for a whole day a week before he started school.

My inlaws have literally only seen our baby a few times and have never offered to help me in anyway with him. A few weeks ago
I got upset and told my DH that I felt unsupported . He agreed that his parents make way more effort with the other grandchild compared to with our DS and asked them to see him more.

Since then both of them have messaged me and asked to see him which is great... the only issue is my FIL has started coming over every week to bath the baby. I told him that the baby gets a bit ratty around 5.30 and his bed time is 6-6.30 so it would be best if he came at 4.30. He’s self employed and works from home so there’s no reason why he couldn’t come at this time.

All three times he’s come to do this he’s arrived about 5.20 by which time the baby is grumpy and needs to be in the bath and then to sleep. FIL wants to play with him and the baby always ends up crying ..... I know a lot of people say “my baby never cries” but unless my DS is tired or hungry he really doesn’t cry much, he loves bathtime normally but all three times FIL has bathed him he’s been inconsolably crying.
He then demands to hold him after the bath when all the baby wants is a breastfeed and a cuddle from me to fall asleep. FIL holds him while he cries and it makes me feel sick to watch, all I want to do is take DS off him. When FIL leaves the baby is then past the point of tiredness and takes hours to settle to sleep when normally he’d b asleep and settled by 6.30.

I feel guilty because I can see FIL is making an effort to see the baby but I dont think it’s fair to keep upsetting DS , he’s ruining his bath time and making him overtired.

Also part of the reason we wanted the inlaws to see the baby more was to take a little bit of pressure off me, but this situation is just making my days longer and more frustrating by having to deal with an overtired baby all evening which then leaves no time for me and my DH to even eat tea in peace or have a conversation.

OP posts:
Mycatisahacker · 23/01/2018 09:10

Agree a convenient time snd then keep to your routine. Don’t answer the door!

I think you are in a pickle too. Visits have to be convenient or it’s not worth the hassle.,

saladdays66 · 23/01/2018 09:12

Just tell him when it's convenient for him to come round! Say,

'After 5 is no good because baby has bath then milk then bed. You've seen how upset he was the last time you came round. Why don't you come any time from 11-1 instead? You can play with him then.'

saladdays66 · 23/01/2018 09:13

but he refuses and says stuff like “ he needs to learn to be held by other people”

Hmm, just seen this. He sounds like an arse. Ask him how he'd like to be held by someone when he was starving and just wanted his tea??

Pengggwn · 23/01/2018 09:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 23/01/2018 09:16

Just be direct and say baby needs bath at 5pm (or whatever) and if FIL isn't there by that time just give the baby a bath and suggest he reads a story to the baby (or other helpful task) instead.

If your baby isn't weaned, he will be soon so suggesting mealtime rather than bathtime might sort put the sleep issue?

Whatatado · 23/01/2018 09:18

I completely understand how difficult it is when a relation won’t give your crying baby back. Flowers

My DS was only 6 weeks old and crying with hunger whilst MIL ignored my requests to give him to me and kept moving away when I tried to take him, insisting it was wind and vigorously rubbing his back (making him scream more). I felt completely helpless and like I was going to have a panic attack.

In the end I started to sob and scream at her and DH came in and made her give him back. Our relationship has never recovered.

Don’t let it get to this stage. Can you start visiting FIL at his home in the morning to get him into a routine?

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 23/01/2018 09:18

He’s self employed and works from home so there’s no reason why he couldn’t come at this time.

This is like assuming a mother on maternity leave is available anytime during the day.

seafooodplatter · 23/01/2018 09:21

Can't believe how strict people are over routines that they can't deviate from it occasionally.

You can't piss and moan that they make no effort then when they do, piss and moan that it doesn't fit with your routine.

Unclench! Life with a baby is stressful enough without working yourself up over everything happening at specific times. As long as the baby isn't having a crying fit they can stay up a little later surely?

A baby that age does not need a bath every night, miss that and let the FIL have some time with the baby while you have a brew and sit down. Or just bath the baby and do bedtime routine after FIL has gone?

grannytomine · 23/01/2018 09:22

Old saying, "Be careful what you wish for." It is often true. Your DH needs to have a word with him.

SaucyJack · 23/01/2018 09:25

Just be honest! Tell him coming round to "help" when your son is tired is more trouble.

Suggest something that would work instead. IE a walk round the park on Sunday lunchtime.

If they're well-meaning people that do actually want to help, then they'll want to work with you to make it beneficial for all of you. TBH I doubt it's any more fun for your FIL than it it for you to be bathing an crying baby with you standing in the doorway flapping.

And if they don't mean well.... fuck them. Far better you find out as soon as that they're not in your corner.

SaucyJack · 23/01/2018 09:25

*more trouble than it's worth.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 23/01/2018 09:27

You wanted help. You got help. Now it's the wrong type!! Just because he's self employed doesn't mean he can just drop everything.

Bath your baby as normal. He'll get the idea. Ring and let him know you're doing it so he has the chance to come and help out. Simple.

Honestly people make a huge drama over things!

Pengggwn · 23/01/2018 09:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheWernethWife · 23/01/2018 09:31

Have I missed something but where is MIL in all this, is it just FIL that visits. He is being a bully, stand up to him, what does your DH think when your baby is being upset and unsettled. Is it all bloody worth it to force a relationship.

Pengggwn · 23/01/2018 09:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ameliablue · 23/01/2018 09:32

If gp has only just started coming to play and bath him, it will take the baby a bit of time to get accustomed to him. Three times isn't very much. So if you do want help, it is worth persevering a bit more. Think about how you can both compromise or alter the routine so it is a bit less upsetting to begin with. Working from home doesn't necessarily mean it would be convenient for him to come anytime.

Fraying · 23/01/2018 09:44

It's interesting because your title is about being UR that you don't want other people bathing your baby but the post is about how it impacts on your routine. Which is it?
I think it is UR to not want your PILs to bath your baby.It seems oddly territorial.
As for your routine, you don't seem to have considered that your very specific time window may not work for your PILs. Being self-employed doesn't mean you can simply drop everything. You need to be a bit more flexible.
I think a PPs' suggestion that you drop the bath on the nights DFIL visits or you suggest a better option for you eg they take baby for a walk at the weekend without you hovering and flapping
I'm struggling with how you think FIL spending one hour with your baby (from your allotted spot of 4.30pm till 5.30pm when baby gets tired) would help anyway.
It sounds as though you wanted to complain about their lack of help but actually you weren't prepared for your DH raising it as an issue and your PILs trying to step up.

boydoggies · 23/01/2018 09:48

Oh dear, sounds like you have expectations that have not been met. It's great that the in laws have listened and responded to your wishes. It just hasn't panned out how you imagined. You're being a tad unreasonable and possibly feeling a bit sorry for yourself. Simple solution is to bath and feed baby before FIL arrives. Then you'll have a settled baby, a relaxed you and a happy FIL enjoying cuddles with baby.
Don't get yourself in a pickle.

KimmySchmidt1 · 23/01/2018 09:50

Errrr you should never ever ever feel guilty about taking your baby off some bloke who is making it cry.

You asked them to see him more to help not to do wtf they wanted.

Just say he comes round at 4.30 and no bath as you and DH like doing that.

Why are you putting up with this shit for one second? It’s your baby, not some old git’s Who happens to be related to your husband.

Blackteadrinker77 · 23/01/2018 09:51

Just talk to them.

Tell them what help and support you actually need and want

Problems come from people not communicating in the main.

Blackteadrinker77 · 23/01/2018 09:53

some old git’s Who happens to be related to your husband

That's not nice and uncalled for. He is trying to be supportive after the OP asked for more help. He just hasn't worked out what is needed as the OP isn't actually saying what help she wants.

Verbena37 · 23/01/2018 09:54

You do sound a bit like you want you’re cake and eat IMHO.
You can’t simpy ask for more help/contact then not explain when would be a good time.

Instead of your FIL coming to you, why don’t you pop round and see them with your DH at the weekend?

Or ask him and mIL round for Sunday lunch etc.

You do sound a bit ungrateful. The baby is 5 months old....not newborn.
I think you need to be careful what you wish for otherwise your in laws might give up trying.

LML83 · 23/01/2018 09:56

yabu. You asked for help FIL is trying. You say there is no reason he can't come earlier but there may be many reasons he structures his days the way he does.

I get FIL is not helping but you shouldn't be annoyed at him as the intention is nice. Tell him a time to come, out with his working hours. Try and have baby bathed (or skip bath)and fed so he is ready for a play wirh grandad and you can get a break.

HeyRoly · 23/01/2018 09:57

It's weird that he's decided he wants to start bathing the baby. Not remotely suggesting there's anything inappropriate going on, but there are plenty of more useful/less disruptive things he could have chosen, right?

Crumbs1 · 23/01/2018 09:57

You asked for more attention. You got it. It wasn’t exactly as you wanted. You want it to stop. You’re sounding a bit unreasonable to me.
Why not try having an adult to adult conversation and tell them what would help? They are seemingly meant to guess what they are doing wrong. Can you come to a sensible arrangement over times and frequency? As happens, I don’t think you’re entitled to any support from grandparents but if you can sort something out that’s nice for everyone. Just don’t complain when it happens. Babies aren’t that inflexible but work (even from home) can be.