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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want another baby?

43 replies

Mrskerr · 22/01/2018 15:08

I am almost 41 and have an amazing almost 2 year old little girl. I would love another baby, however my DH (who is 48) says he is too old. I feel so sad that my daughter will be an only child and desperately want to give her a sibling. My DH has a 28 year old son from a previous relationship, so technically my DD isn't an only child, but it's such a huge age gap they're not really like brother and sister. I also feel sad that I won't experience pregnancy and the newborn stage again. I know I am so lucky to have one, but I can't stop thinking about this. AIBU?

OP posts:

MrsMaxwell · 22/01/2018 15:10

How come he wasn’t too old 2 years ago

Dishwashersaurous · 22/01/2018 15:11

Did you discuss this before you had your daughter?

Gladiola44 · 22/01/2018 15:14

Sorry but YABU. Your husband doesn’t want another child. Having a child when it is not wanted by both parents is a really bad idea.

youngnomore · 22/01/2018 15:15

MrsMaxwell-

cabana1 · 22/01/2018 15:15

He feels he's too near 50 now, which I can understand. I had a miscarriage 4 years ago, then it took us 18 months to conceive again. If my first pregnancy had been successful he may have viewed things differently as we would both have been a bit younger. So yes, we did discuss having 2, but things just didn't work out as we thought they would.

HappyLollipop · 22/01/2018 15:20

Maybe he's feeling the effects of having a toddler at his age and feels as if he couldn't do it again, I'm sure this time it's a lot rougher than it was when he was raising his 28yr old! It's a shame but if your DH doesn't want anymore you'll have to be happy with the one.

missmouse101 · 22/01/2018 15:24

Don't feel sad your daughter will be an only child. I wish so much we had stopped at 1. We'd be able to give our daughter our undivided attention, more time, more space in the house, more opportunities and more freedom. I would have a spare room in the house to use as a guest room, or an office and I would not spend large chunks of my limited free time clearing up after a difficult and extremely messy son. The pregnancy and newborn stage passes in a flash second time around as you're so busy with the first. People aren't interested any more and aren't so keen to help as you have two. It's hard, so I completely recommend embracing one.

LushBlitzer · 22/01/2018 15:24

At this stage, you both NBU in having personal preferences. But you would be VVVUnreasonable to go ahead and have one anyway knowing your hubby didn't want one. You need to discuss it more and agree how to go forward together.

cabana1 · 22/01/2018 15:28

I totally understand his point of view, and obviously if he says no that's it. But doesn't stop me thinking about it...

10FingersOnTheFender · 22/01/2018 15:29

I feel the same OP. We have one 3 yr old. And DH is 57. He feels too old for another.

Battleax · 22/01/2018 15:32

NC fail?

sirlee66 · 22/01/2018 15:33

Aw that's such a shame OP but at least you have one lovely baby with him. All you can do is let him know you do want another and in the future, his view may change. Best of luck to you

QueenofmyPrinces · 22/01/2018 15:33

I’ve had my second baby five months ago when I was 35, my first is almost four years old.

I know my situation is different as I already have two but I would love a third but my husband, who is also 35, says he is too old to think about doing it again.

I feel sad about not being pregnant again and not adding more children into our family unit but that’s just the way it is.

You have my sympathies OP - it took a lot of convincing my DH to try for a second baby so I k ow what it’s like to really yearn for something and be scared by the thought that you may never get it

cabana1 · 22/01/2018 15:39

Thanks so much for your comments. It helps to hear from people in similar situations. I do feel utterly blessed to have my beautiful DD, but it doesn't stop the yearning

FuckwitteryIsAllAround · 22/01/2018 15:52

My friends DH is older than her and he said no more as he felt he was too old and struggling at 45 with very young children. Your DH is nearly 50, he might not still be around to see another child reach his sons age, harsh but true.

Dipitydoda · 22/01/2018 16:05

I really feel for you. My DH really didn’t want another after a difficult and traumatic birth where he v nearly lost both me and DS. I was desperate and I mean desperate for another. We tried for 3 years not even a sniff of a bfp! We looked into fertility treatment and decided it wasn’t for us. Now with a 6 yo DS who gets so much attention and opportunities I can’t imagine going back to the baby stage again. I’m actually relieved it’s worked out like this as I can see so many more benefits to have the one. The one thing that scares me is if anything happened to DS that would be it. But it’s taken me a long time and buckets of tears and many sleepless nights to get to this stage. It’s painful not being on same page as DH on something as fundamental as this

cabana1 · 22/01/2018 16:31

I know it's not the end of the world and there are lots of benefits of only having one, but like a PP said I worry about something happening to my DD, and that when we're gone she'll be on her own.

cabana1 · 22/01/2018 16:33

Dipitydoda I'm glad things worked out for you in the end. My friend always says 'what's for you won't go by you'. Maybe I need to believe that.

wisterialanes · 22/01/2018 16:39

Feel for you OP but my dh is 48 and there is no way he would want another baby now due to his age. He had an older father (was 42 when he was born which was old back then) and never wants to be the 'grandfather' at the school gates.

10fingers I'm not surprised your DH doesn't want another at 57!

ratheroverwhelmed · 22/01/2018 16:45

Oh jeez, I am desperate.
I have two children from a previous marriage, and have fertility issues. My partner and I had a surprise two years ago (pretty much a miracle in my opinion), but lost our baby at 9 weeks pregnant to a missed miscarriage. We did try again and miraculously fell pregnant again (my body clearly changed its mind for a bit) but lost that one too. Then DP said no more and I have been in a terribly dark place ever since. Far too much talk of 'rainbow babies' on miscarriage support networks so I feel so lost and alone in this thinking.

It's a horrid place to be to be so desperate, and watching others seamlessly have babies without a hitch. I've never felt so low.

I feel for you OP, I really do.

VapersNest · 22/01/2018 16:45

I feel for you, OP.

Slightly different as we have two and I wanted a third at 37 (DH was 50; DCs were 10 and 6) and it was a flat out NO.

I was sad for a while, but I love my DH and ultimately it was about respecting his wishes.

ratheroverwhelmed · 22/01/2018 16:47

I'm also approaching 40 so time not really on my side, along with the fertility issues. Didn't really plan on ending my child producing days on two losses

Coastalcommand · 22/01/2018 16:49

I’m desperate for another too, but fertility problems and my age mean that we don’t think it will happen for us. Our baby was an IVF miracle. My husband is too scared to try fertility treatment again as he feels it would be tempting fate. But I’ve kept all the baby clothes just in case!

79Fleur · 22/01/2018 17:05

My partner was diagnosed with a life limiting heart condition (PAH) when our first child was approx 6 months old.
I guess we decided then that we would definitely have no more children. I am embracing the fact that financially we will be better off with one - certainly in the first few “nursery” years and we can give our undivided attention to our only child. I am so grateful for what we have as no one knows what tomorrow brings.

SandSnakeofDorne · 22/01/2018 17:15

If you’re honest with yourself you’ll recognise you’re 41, with a history of miscarriage and taking a long time to conceive. You might be lucky, but the chances are the conversation you’re having is entirely theoretical as you would find it very difficult to have another child anyway. Perhaps you’re using your DH’s disagreement as a way to stop yourself trying to accept that you’ll only have one?

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