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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend not letting me have other friends?

26 replies

overthetop2 · 22/01/2018 13:36

Hi, I would appreciate hearing from others' who have experienced the same or can shed any light on this.

I have a friend whose child is the same age as mine and both in the same Reception class. We do quite a lot together out of school and I enjoy spending time with her. We are both friendly with quite a few other mums with kids in our class. However, I have noticed some behaviour that does not feel nice.

If she see's me chatting often to one of the other Mums who she does not know very well, she will then make an effort to almost 'take' that friend. She'll suddenly be meeting up with her and doing that Mum big favours (will pick their DD up from school, take her to a party, have a sleep-over with them, etc). I have noticed this has happened repeatedly.

She is friendly with some Mums who I'm not friendly with, and I have made no attempts to do the same to her (I don't suddenly be-friend that Mum). I respect that people have several friends and they don't always have to be 'joined'. In fact, it's nice to have different friends in different groups.

I'm starting to feel that if I make a new friend, it will not be long before she moves in.

Is this normal? Anyone shed any light on what may be going on here?

OP posts:
BulletFox · 22/01/2018 13:51

Do you feel that her 'zoning in' has stopped friendships developing with the other mums?

Original poster
overthetop2 · 22/01/2018 14:00

Hi Bullet, it has not stopped friendships as such, but it may have stopped me from forming a particularly close relationship. Suddenly, they are spending more time chatting to my friend / doing things out of school, that I hear about afterwards.

I feel it makes me wonder what on earth she is doing it for. I want to know what is behind it. is it unkindness? Is she a real friend?
Sometimes when she is talking about what she's doing with another Mum (who she previously had no interest in), it's as if she's trying to say "Look, I'm really good friends/ better friends with her". It feels like she is trying to compete. WHY?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 22/01/2018 14:03

She sounds quite insecure, tbh, I would distance myself from her, and form friendships outside the school gates for now.

BMW6 · 22/01/2018 14:04

She's a Wendy.......watch your back, and keep your distance from her

TrinitySquirrel · 22/01/2018 14:06

Or it could just be harmless and she herself wants to make more friends? Hmm

You don't sound like a very nice one to be honest. You make it almost sound like you're the one in the playground.

Original poster
overthetop2 · 22/01/2018 14:10

OK Trinity... I feel as if her behaviour is high school though. This is not the kind of thing that I would do to others. I have no issue with the fact she has lots of other friends that I am not involved in. We also have joint friends. I just don't seem to be able to speak to anyone new that she does not know, without her pulling a face and acting on it.

I noticed her behaviour pattern and it's made me doubt our friendship.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 22/01/2018 14:11

Have you considered chatting to the dullest, most opinionated person you can find and leave her to it? Do this a few times and she might stop this.

She does sound insecure and I’d be willing to bet that she’s one of these people who suddenly dump their friends for no good reason. Hard work, in other words. Keep it light and definitely keep other friendships going.

Heartoffire · 22/01/2018 14:14

Good grief! You are adults in the school playground not children at school.

Talk to who like and arrange what you like either asking her or not. I am guessing this is your first child in reception class? Take my advice. do not get over friendly with your child’s friends parents the kids will inevitably fall out snd you are caught in the cross fire.

Have friends in adults you like. This has nothing to do with the kids. Let them choose their friends as you should yours.

Heartoffire · 22/01/2018 14:17

Or better still get to pick up at the last minute and avoid the chat.

giddyupnow · 22/01/2018 14:26

Harsh trinity! I don’t think OP doesn’t sound nice, I think she sounds like she’s trying to get an insight into someone else’s complex behaviour.

diddl · 22/01/2018 14:30

" Suddenly, they are spending more time chatting to my friend"

Are you saying that they seem to prefer her?

Perhaps they aren't such good frieds as you thought?

Heartoffire · 22/01/2018 14:33

There’s no such thing as my friend or your friend either!! Just acquaintances and friends. You don’t own other people.

Step back and don’t let the playground environment take you back to acting like young teenagers.

takeitandleaveit · 22/01/2018 14:34

I think she might be a 'Wendy' too. Think back to when you first met. Did she do the same to someone else in order to gain your friendship?

Some people like to be at the centre of a circle of friends, and don't much like it when the spokes of the wheel start being friends with each other.

QueenDaisy · 22/01/2018 14:36

BMW6

What’s a Wendy?

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/01/2018 14:38

She really does want to control you, doesn’t she? I’d be making new friends tbh and have her as one of your friends, not your only close friend.

DriggleDraggle · 22/01/2018 14:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
overthetop2 · 22/01/2018 14:42

takeitandleaveit - I think you have hit the nail on the head about her having to be at the centre of a friendship group and not liking others having friends.

I appreciate what Heartoffire is saying about not having friendships with other Mums with kids in the same class, but I am newish to the area and I work from home, so I am not often within many circumstances that enable me to meet people. I also don't think someone would understand how tiring it can be to be on the receiving end of this situation, unless you've experienced being friends with someone like this. Having someone always trying to compete with you and watching everything you do, so that they can get involved, is puzzling.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 22/01/2018 14:45

I would have as little to do with her as you can, she does not sound like a good friend.

NWQM · 22/01/2018 14:52

I really, really my Mummy friends which - as my children were adopted - I only had the opportunity to make through the 'school gate'. I do think though that it takes a little while so I wouldn't be put off by the 'storming and forming' that is going on. It will shake down. I've kept my friends although my sons have evolved. You obviously can't force the children to be friends. I'd question though whether this person is really a friend. You could equally write your post by saying that your friend is constantly ignoring you and making arrangements with other people that she deliberate doesn't include you in - that doesn't sound like a close friendship and if it's been going on a while perhaps you need to move on & not put too much energy into that particular friendship.

Original poster
overthetop2 · 22/01/2018 14:57

I don't know what a Wendy is either? :-)

OP posts:
ArnoldBee · 22/01/2018 15:01

Maybe this is me...im new to the area, son in year 1 and he didn't attend the nursery either. I work from home half the week and I'm desperate to make local friends which has been hard as I didn't do the baby groups etc like the others have. I don't do this on purpose but I'm trying to get in there which seems really hard as many of the school mum's grew up together. I'm trying really hard with it all.

Original poster
overthetop2 · 22/01/2018 15:54

Hi ArnoldBee, You have also just described me! Yes I understand that, and I also feel the same. However, I feel this is more than just trying to make friends with everyone - I feel this Mum's actions definitely have something to do with who I'm getting friendly with. Having read some of the comments above I think it's probably that she feels the need to control things, or be the centre of a group (which she controls), and feels threatened if I (one of her perceived best friends) has other friends. This is the first time I've encountered this type of behaviour in friendship groups, so I'm finding it quite noticeable.

OP posts:
Heartoffire · 22/01/2018 16:36

Op I do understand and I recognise the persons type. I have heard the Wendy comment on mumsnet before but remember she cannot control you. I would keep generally friendly with her but speak to other people. Get them on fb so you can message and meet up and get mobile numbers.

You be calm and confident in your own skin. That’s very attractive to other people. She does sound insecure.

We have all met her type.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 22/01/2018 17:18

It sounds to me like she's just trying to widen her circle and so long as she's not dropping you or excluding you from other friendships I don't see the issue? Most of the friends I have I have made through other friends.
If you are as good friends as you say it's offer that you don't make any effort with her other friends tbh.
It sounds a bit like you don't want her befriending 'your' friends tbh.
I'm not sure what she's done wrong?