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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to restrict my lodger's girlfriend staying over

43 replies

novalia89 · 22/01/2018 13:33

I gave my lodger a contract when she moved in, but it wasn't formally signed. Her girlfriend has started to stay over 4 times this week and only lives round the corner.
She was also away for 4 days previously and went home for 2 weeks over Christmas.
She is a good flatmate/lodger. Pays her rent in advance, we get on well etc.
However, i don't want her girlfriend to effectively move in. But I don't want to break the peace. I know that I am lucky to have someone that I get on with and I also like her girlfriend. It does feel a bit like we are sharing with 3 people when she is over.
I know people will say that it's my flat, my rules, but from the lodgers point of view she should have almost equal rights because she is paying market rent, well slightly below for the area. Far below student rent anyway. Her girlfriend had a bath yesterday, which they both shared. I felt a little uncomfortable and also think of the extra bills.
Is it time for me to live by myself? I like the lodger living her, but not her girlfriend all of the time.
Thanks

OP posts:
LeCroissant · 22/01/2018 13:35

It's a tough one because your discomfort is understandable but it's not really fair to say that she can't have a normal life - that she has to restrict how much she sees her girlfriend because she lives with you. Seeing as she's a good lodger I'd let it go for now, but depending on how much you need the money it might be worth considering giving up having lodgers as you can't realistically expect perfection from them.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/01/2018 13:43

Does she stay over at her GF's at all? (i.e. you get the place to yourself). If not, might be time to suggest this sometimes. Tough one, because you are totally within your rights not to want to share with both of them, but as soon as you mention it, it will change the atmosphere.

Idontdowindows · 22/01/2018 13:46

Is the GF just staying nights or is she there during the day too? Does she arrive after dinner, for instance, or come straight from work?

specialsubject · 22/01/2018 13:47

Girlfriend is moving in. Tell lodger that this stops or she leaves.

TrinitySquirrel · 22/01/2018 13:47

Lodgers are exactly that. She's supposed to have access to her room, bathroom and kitchen, nothing else and no guests generally. I'd give her notice and tell her you want to live alone again.

glow1984 · 22/01/2018 13:49

I once went to view a place and the landlady said she didn't want anyone over at all. Suffice to say, that place was rejected.

Sorry, not 100% related :D

I don't think there's anything wrong with you saying 2-3 days a week. 4 days a week is almost moving in. If they want to be together that much, they should get their own place!

Chattymummyhere · 22/01/2018 13:50

Offer to up the rent to a couples rate since her gf seems to want to move in.

I would be really unhappy with 1 lodger suddenly having another over so much. 1 or 2 nights a week sure, I wouldn’t be happy with the shared bath ethier.

What’s in the contract?

CremeFresh · 22/01/2018 13:51

I've had lodgers , some took the piss with regard to visitors . It's not unreasonable to charge £5 a night for them , although that doesn't stop the awkwardness. You could say they can stay at yours as many days a week that they stay at theirs.

Pengggwn · 22/01/2018 14:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Peartree17 · 22/01/2018 14:04

FWIW, OP, I was that lodger at one point in my life, with a barnacle girlfriend who would not accept boundaries and who didn't have much of a life of her own. I would have been relieved to have my landlady tell me - nicely - that while my GF was very welcome a couple of nights a week, the room and use of the house facilities had been rented to me, not me + one. It would have helped me a lot. Maybe this is not the situation with your lodger, but you do have the right to draw a line in your own home.

MistressDeeCee · 22/01/2018 14:09

I can't see whats so hard about having a gentle word with her re the contract is for 1 not 2 people, and you are happy for her gfriend to stay there regularly as long as you can come to an arrangement regarding higher rent payable. If you don't mind only 1 night per week then you can say that.

MichaelBendfaster · 22/01/2018 14:18

Can she not stay at her GF's sometimes?

I agree with Mistress; talk to her calmly and politely and give her options of a couples rate (of course then you'd have them both around every night of the week!) or her GF staying over only x nights per week.

Popchyk · 22/01/2018 14:24

I think you need to be clear at the outset really. Overnight guests are permitted twice per week maximum (or whatever).

I'll bet they both like to stay at yours because your place is nicer than the girlfriend's.

You said she goes away sometimes so maybe she sees it like she's "earned" some couple time in your house afterwards and it will even out eventually.

You could give it until the end of the month and then say "I specifically wanted to rent to one person as I didn't want two people effectively living here. From now on can we keep overnight guests to twice per week? Thanks".

But you do need to have it clear in your own head what it is you actually want and communicate that very clearly to the lodger. No point beating around the bush about well you'd like a bit of privacy sometimes but the girlfriend is welcome and then they decide to cut down to 3 nights per week if you would not be happy about that. Also no point in offering couples rates if you don't want a couple.

You have to be very specific.

southeastdweller · 22/01/2018 14:24

You need to talk to her because YANBU at all. 4 x a week is taking the piss, 1 or 2 nights a week is fine. Sure it’ll change the atmosphere but your anxiety will fester and soon you’ll be dreading coming home. You should have clarified this before you moved in really but she’s still in the wrong (the lodger).

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/01/2018 14:35

This is too much. 4 times is the majority of the week.

PollyPerky · 22/01/2018 14:37

You are the owner, you make the rules.

FWIW when I house shared years and years ago, we had a rule that boyfriends could stay over but weekends only simply because 1 bathroom between 3 professional women wouldn't stretch to guests in the mornings.

We were pretty narked when one sharer allowed her boyfriend (who worked 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off in his job) semi-moved in on his home weeks and was using our electric heating and water when we were all at work.

it's not the same, but it is in some ways.

You have to decide on how many nights, if any, for visitors. And also if it's an issue for you whether you feel uncomfortable with a lodger who is gay.

rightsaidfrederickII · 22/01/2018 14:38

As she's otherwise a good lodger, I'm not sure this is the stuff of evictions. Evict her and you'll probably find that the next one is loud and filthy. Can't see the problem with the shared bath unless you're a prude or they've flooded the whole bathroom.

If she's going to the gf's house sometimes, it all evens out with regards to bills, privacy etc. as sometimes you're the only one there.

I'd bring up the topic and suggest that either she moves in full time and pays a couples rate, or she comes around on a maximum number of nights.

MinneyMoo · 22/01/2018 14:42

If its your home - you must get an agreement signed - 'Single occupancy only licence to occupy' tenancy agreement' I think is what you need - in other words you only agree to a single named person having the right to occupy or stay in your home ....

namechange2222 · 22/01/2018 14:43

Exactly what CremeFresh said unless you now lay down the boundary of overnight guests, eg, you may have an overnight guest once / twice a week or you may not have any overnight guests. Otherwise it'll actually be costing you money to have a lodger which defeats the object really

Original poster
novalia89 · 22/01/2018 16:10

I know, I need to bring it up before it gets out of hand. I think if she stays tonight I will point it out that it has been too often.

When I showed her around and she had a boyfriend and asked about him staying over, I said it was fine as long as it was reasonable, eg 3 nights a week. Then I sent her a document on Facebook that said 1 work night a week and 2 weekend nights.

She does stay at her girlfriends too, but I looked online and it is only a 3/4 bed. Her girlfriends student accommodation is also at least £137 a week compares to my £350 a month. I priced it reasonably for the area, because I don't want to rip anyone off but I don't want to be walked all over either. It is pretty much split evenly for 2 people with all of the bills.

I have no problems with her being gay. It's almost like 3 girls in the house anyway rather than me and a couple. I don't want to rent to a couple though.

I want to be reasonable. I am getting my bathroom retiled next week and she will have to put up with that (she actually recommended that I do it so can't complain), but afterwards I don't want someone moving in. They don't really stay in the flat all of the time, but that's not the main issue, it's feeling slightly awkward at night or in the morning.

I'll see what happens tonight, but I might need to wait until she is alone. Thanks

OP posts:
carefreeeee · 22/01/2018 16:24

You sound very reasonable about it. I think you can remind her of the maximum number of nights you originally stated, or ask her for extra money. Chances are they might get their own place soon enough anyway - perhaps at the end of the academic year. Can you put up with it for another 6 months? The next person might be even worse...

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/01/2018 16:28

I tend to think if she is a great lodger, it might be worth sucking it up. I might talk to her about the bills though.

HeebieJeebies456 · 22/01/2018 16:29

she's a lodger - not a tenant......you might want to acquaint yourself of the difference in rights and responsibilities so you feel more comfortable asserting yourself

mydietstartsmonday · 22/01/2018 16:40

it is worth saying something. I think 2 to 3 nights is more than enough. So say you want time to yourself.

RainbowQuilter · 22/01/2018 16:44

I think it is a bit unreasonable to expect her not to be able to have a romantic relationship or that you should get to dictate how much she is allowed to see her partner.

If you are uncomfortable with someone having a partner then I'm not really sure why you have a lodger. It is normal for couples to want to spend a lot of time together. She has someone that is important to her and of course she wants to see her regularly. I don't think she should have to feel like she is walking on egg shells around you for having that part of a normal life.

If the rent she is paying is not enough to cover bills securely then maybe you need to look at increasing the rent a small amount, I don't think you should be out of pocket, but that is a separate issue to her partner being allowed to visit.

Ultimately you are the one that has the control here, if you are not happy with her living there then ask her to move out, but I think you need to accept that she is a unit with her partner.