aibu to restrict my lodger's girlfriend staying over

[novalia89]

I gave my lodger a contract when she moved in, but it wasn't formally signed. Her girlfriend has started to stay over 4 times this week and only lives round the corner.
She was also away for 4 days previously and went home for 2 weeks over Christmas.
She is a good flatmate/lodger. Pays her rent in advance, we get on well etc.
However, i don't want her girlfriend to effectively move in. But I don't want to break the peace. I know that I am lucky to have someone that I get on with and I also like her girlfriend. It does feel a bit like we are sharing with 3 people when she is over.
I know people will say that it's my flat, my rules, but from the lodgers point of view she should have almost equal rights because she is paying market rent, well slightly below for the area. Far below student rent anyway. Her girlfriend had a bath yesterday, which they both shared. I felt a little uncomfortable and also think of the extra bills.
Is it time for me to live by myself? I like the lodger living her, but not her girlfriend all of the time.
Thanks

Hi OP
Could you say that you pay council tax for two residents and that the other lady staying over more than two or three nights a week will put you at risk of being subject to a higher rate?
Otherwise it's a very tricky situation and depends how they will take it but at the end of the day it is your permanent home and if you're not happy there where can you be?you will have to explain how you feel and give her the option of agreeing and understanding or leaving.
🌼

It is difficult OP. I know when I had a lodger who had their partner over a lot, I started to feel as if I was playing gooseberry in my own home.

I think that as you’ve already stated the conditions for her moving in - overnight visitors limited to one weeknight and two weekend nights - it should be fairly straightforward just to remind her of the original conditions (even though I know these things are never easy to bring up!). You could even say you’re flexible about weekend/weekday nights but want to keep it to a limit of three, assuming of course that you are flexible about that.

If it’s possible the four nights was just a one-off, you could perhaps leave it and see if it happens again. But nipping it in the bud might also make things easier longer-term.

Personally I’d have no problem with the shared bath (hey, at least they’re saving on water...) and to me expressing disapproval about that feels a bit outside the normal scope of being a landlord. But in the end, it’s your place so you have the final say over what’s ok.

Could you say that you pay council tax for two residents and that the other lady staying over more than two or three nights a week will put you at risk of being subject to a higher rate?

Don’t say this as she will clearly know it’s a complete lie

I’d have a conversation with her and say “are you planning on GF staying 3/4 nights a week every week? This wasn’t really what we agreed and the bills are shooting up wirh 3 of us living here instead of two” and see what she says!

I would say (and have done) 'sorry that I didn't make myself clear, but I'd rather keep overnight visits to 2 per week'. Short and sweet.

Tell your lodger that her rent is calculated based on a single person' occupancy of her room and usage of the utility bills.

You don't want 2 people living with you, just 1.

So GF stops acting like she's living there, or lodger moves out.

I think you just need to be honest. Say you're really pleased how well the lodging is going, how great she is to share with etc but you're a little bit worried as you really didn't want to share with a couple and that seems to be the way this is heading. And say that on occasion, you're feeling a little like a spare part in your own home. I think if you're careful how you word it, it won't cause offence.

It's fine if your agreement is documented. Just politely remind her of your agreement to overnight guests no more than 1 work night a week and 2 weekend nights.

I know she is a lodger and not a tenant, but from her point of view, I can see how that shouldn't make a difference - why should she pay almost market value, but not have the freedom like if it was a shared house? It's not like that from my perspective, as it is my house, but for her, why should it be different just because your landlord lives there too etc.

She may not realise it is bothering me. I have asked some people at work and some people can't see the problem, but agree that I can't let it be 7 nights a week.

I'll see how it goes, I don't want it to continue, but I am massively aware that I am lucky to have someone that I get on with, trust, like her girlfriend, pays rent 3 months in advance etc. There are more pros than cons really and might be worth sucking it up :s

'Personally I’d have no problem with the shared bath (hey, at least they’re saving on water...'

Haha, it wasn't the shared bath that was the issue, it was more the taking advantage of the bath or washing machine. They are expensive lol.

I think you need to consider pulling back on the bean-counting re baths, washing machine etc.

Ok fair enough, no I don't want to do that. I only mentioned that because she asked if her girlfriend could wash all of her clothes in mine after the Christmas holiday because she would have to pay in the student halls and I said it was fine. It was, but it was just an example of how things can slowly slip into moving in territory/taking advantage.
I don't want to turn into a landlord with too many rules like Sheldon from the big bang theory haha.

You sound very generous to me.

If she is out staying at her girlfriends some of the time too, and pays for the time she was away, then you are being v petty to worry about bath water etc as there are also times when she is paying but not using it.

you could gently remind her of the limit on how many times a week. But I guess it depends whether you would have to get a replacement lodger if she moved out? is it worth being difficult over?

I think she was cheeky to use your washing machine.

Does your lodger ever stay at her gf's place?

How often does she stay over at her gfs?

Ooh, there are warning lights flashing over this one for me, OP. The using washing machine reminds me very much of an au pair I once had who initially asked could her boyfriend stay one weekend, then it was every weekend, then he was putting his trainers through my washing machine, then he turned up one night with three of his little mates, needing a place to stay because they'd missed the last train back to Ipswich. I was turning into a hostel for Lithuanians. I gave her her marching orders, but it was my fault really, for not setting clear boundaries at the outset. If you've said yes once, what reason would you have for saying no subsequently?

OP, Not much more to add than PPs have already said, but I just wanted to say you sound very conscientious – clearly you’re thinking of your lodger’s needs as well as your own, which I think is really nice – you’re a good landlord.

I remember last year a landlord posted on here about wanting to evict her lodger after a week..as he apparently was too messy and used the lounge too often, despite posters saying she was BU she had evicted him, by text, while he was at work, with about 6 hours notice, in real time on the thread…it was a shocker!