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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say you don’t leave a 7yr old home alone?

79 replies

PsychoPumpkin · 21/01/2018 19:56

So as not to drip feed, here’s the brief history between my DD1s Dad & I.

I had DD when I was 18 & he was 20, he left us when she was 6 months old.
She is 7 now and he has had her EOW since the split.
He has a long term GF, i’m Married & have had two more children.
We all get along & communicate well.

The issue is that I have picked our DD up from his house this evening & she has told me that he left her home alone while he picked his GF up from work. She couldn’t give me a length of time more specific than ‘about a quarter to a half of a Harry Potter film’.

She said she was fine and ‘entertained herself’ But was left with no way to contact him if she was in any trouble. She’s a sensible girl but I wouldn’t leave her home alone, she’s accident prone.

I haven’t asked her dad about it yet because I know that no harm came to her, but I’m annoyed because I know that it could have done. I feel it was seriously poor judgement.

How do I handle this?

OP posts:

DancingOnRainbows · 21/01/2018 20:28

How much before you? Because if it's 20 minutes or so, then it's not all that different to what her dad did.

Of course a child in a different room of the house to its parents is different to a parent not being there at all. Good lord the mind boggles

Redwineistasty · 21/01/2018 20:29

I don’t see what the problem is. My 8yr old is happy to be left for short periods of time (never longer than 15 mins), and I never go out of the village. So I might nip to shop, pick dd up from a friends etc.
He’s sensible, he knows our neighbours so can always knock on them if there’s a problem.
To whoever says what if they have an accident... I don’t see the difference between a 7yr old and an 11yr old having an accident.

TheDowagerCuntess · 21/01/2018 20:31

How much before you? Because if it's 20 minutes or so, then it's not all that different to what her dad did.

Tensecondrule · 21/01/2018 20:31

It’s not ok. I would be having a serious discussion about it and getting reassurance that it won’t happen again.

LostSight · 21/01/2018 20:32

It doesn’t sound especially unsafe for her to be left alone. I’d ask him next time to ensure she knows how to contact him. Maybe he assumed she knew how to call him.

I live in Norway. It’d be completely normal behaviour here, as it woukd have been forty years ago when I was a child.

LostSight · 21/01/2018 20:33

*forty years ago in the UK

DancingOnRainbows · 21/01/2018 20:33

I don’t see the difference between a 7yr old and an 11yr old having an accident

About 4 years worth of maturity in dealing with it. Hth.

littleducks · 21/01/2018 20:36

I don't have a problem with the age

But the lack of ground rules is very concerning. Whenever your children are old enough in your opinion, they need to be given explanations of what to do (re opening the door/answering phone/where keys are and fire/emergency route out).

So she should have been able to phone and/or had a neighbour to call on if she had any problems

TornadoOfToys · 21/01/2018 20:38

But your DD isn't an idiot. If there was an emergency, she could call 999. If not an emergency, it could wait 20 minutes. What problem do you envisage happening whilst shes sat on the sofa watching tv? Does she often have problems doing that? Because if it was a meteorite landing then it wouldn't matter if her dad was there or not. At some point you have to start trusting her.

MsHarry · 21/01/2018 20:39

YANBU, Too young to deal with any emergencies that may arise.

frogsoup · 21/01/2018 20:40

"I live in Norway. It’d be completely normal behaviour here, as it woukd have been forty years ago when I was a child."

I am always amazed at how dogmatic people are about age limits re child safety issues on mn, and at the lack of awareness at just HOW culturally specific these ideas are. In many, many countries in the world people would be aghast at how little responsibility children of this kind of age are given in the UK. Personally I wouldn't leave my 7yo, partly because of the social pressure not to - I think he'd be fine if I did for 20 mins. He has common sense and the chances of an accident while sitting watching TV are close to zero.

MsHarry · 21/01/2018 20:42

When I did start to leave my DDs for short periods of up to 30 mins they were probably about 9. I showed the how to use the phone , left the book open with lots of family and neighbour numbers in it and would tell my neighbour next door. She would do the same to me.

quizqueen · 21/01/2018 20:43

If you are in the UK, I believe it is illegal to leave a child at this young age alone so I would say that it is happens again she will not be able to stay with him at all. It is totally UNacceptable to drive off and leave her alone in the house even if there had have been any sort of phone contact available. He is very irresponsible and this tells you a lot about his standards of childcare.

Mookatron · 21/01/2018 20:46

I leave my 7 and 8 year olds for 10 or 15 minutes but I wouldn't drive anywhere. You have to consider what the kid would do if something happened to you as well as what they might do alone.

I would tell him not to do it for that reason.

duckdarlington · 21/01/2018 20:46

It is very common for children round where we live to be left alone for under 30mins from 7+, a child of that age should definately already of been taught how to contact 999 if theres an emergency.
Of course you can imagine the very unlikely scenario of someone breaking in for example but in that case i dont think it would make any difference if the child was 7 or 11 and you cant protect them forever, children need to be given trust and responsability in order to gain those skills.
Really stuggling to see the harm that a child of 7 could get in to watching tv for 20 mins.

Original poster

PsychoPumpkin · 21/01/2018 20:47

Tornado, her dad doesn’t have a house phone, neither do we, so she wouldn’t have been able to call him OR an ambulance.

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 21/01/2018 20:48

Well this thread isn't going the usual way.

mummmy2017 · 21/01/2018 20:48

YANBU.

It's not so much the amount of time in my head, but IF there had been an accident to him, and it had meant he had to go to hospital, your DD would have been there alone.

Maybe you need to pack an EMERGENCY phone in her bag, that she only ever uses if left alone by her dad, to call you to come and collect her..

I think the 1st time I left mine she had just finished primary school, and I called from the shop 5 mins drive away, and she was warned not to open the door to anyone, to go next door if worried, and had my mums number written in a pad by the phone.

duckdarlington · 21/01/2018 20:49

@quizqueen

Theres no law.

''The law doesn’t say an age when you can leave a child on their own, but it’s an offence to leave a child alone if it places them at risk.
Use your judgement on how mature your child is before you decide to leave them alone, eg at home or in a car.''

Roomba · 21/01/2018 20:49

TBH my worry at that age would not be quite so much the child doing something daft or an emergency at home, but more what would happen if you didn't return home within a short amount of time for any reason. What if you got run over/in a car accident/stuck in a traffic jam for hours? A child of that age would panic and have no idea what to do in my experience.

Yes, the chance of that happening would be low. But the level of the potential consequences would be too high.

I left DS1 at home occasionally from about 8 or 9 while I nipped to the shop which is a few doors away . But that was for less than five minutes, usually a lot less. And he could probably shout me from the house it was so near by! From 11 onwards he was allowed to stay home for increasing periods of time while I went out, but always had a plan and way to contact me and several others in event of emergency/me not returning when planned.

Redwineistasty · 21/01/2018 20:50

Thanks for trying to help dancing I hadn’t realised that there was 4yrs between a 7yr old and an 11yr old
However.... Maturity develops at different ages and I know an 8yr old who is much more reliable, trusting and mature than her 12yr old brother.

StealthPolarBear · 21/01/2018 20:51

Ds is ten and not particularly mature. Dd is 8 and very mature. I'd still leave her and not him - there is a definite difference and she's still a child

HuskyMcClusky · 21/01/2018 20:51

Jeez, people on here are obsessed with kids watching tv.

If I’d been left at home alone aged 7, I wouldn’t have sat in front of the box for long before I went and found something more interesting (and potentially dangerous) to do. Like standing on a chair to reach something forbidden.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 21/01/2018 20:51

There's a huge difference between 7 and 11 in terms of being left alone for a period, ridiculous to say otherwise.

The Op is hardly unusual in not wanting a 7 year old left alone. At that age they aren't generally known for being being sensible or for their presence of mind in an emergency and if it's not something that's been discussed with her ie how to contact dad, what to do if someone knocks etc, she could easily get upset or frightened. Given it's an EOW arrangement she's likely not so familiar with the neighbors that she'd immediately think to run to one if something happened. Honestly I think some people post just to be contrary

BewareOfDragons · 21/01/2018 20:52

Mixed.

Roads are icy and horrible around here for a lot of today. If she's sensible, and he was only doing a fairly local pick up run, she was probably safer in front of the telly than the car. She should have had his phone number, though.

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