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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask DS' "girl-friend" to leave

40 replies

mehimthem · 21/01/2018 03:13

Back story - youngest DS is 27 & still shares our home, he has a separate door to that end of our house, & currently is working very long hours so we often dont see him for days. All good. He organises his own meals mostly & when not working is usually out with friends or asleep. This morning though (7.30 am Sunday in NZ) he chatted with me for a bit before he left for work, then said he had a friend (girl) staying & she would be leaving soon. Also fine (I dont mind as long as he respects that its our home too). Anyway, fast forward to just after lunch & I realise theres music playing from his room so knock & see girl still in bed, on phone, & ask how long she might be staying. After about 40 mins or so, she appears in our lounge room & we chat - a bit stilted & awkward - while she waits for a ride home. So, was I being rude thinking that she should/could have been gone in the nearly 5 hours since her partner, our son left to go to work, in someone elses home. I'm starting to wonder if I should have just left it but wanted to go do stuff in that part of house (spare bedroom is sewing space) & then I end up feeling awkward in my own home. Thanks,

OP posts:

RapunzelsExtensions · 21/01/2018 03:19

When I used to stay over at partners during the first few months of seeing each other, he'd go to wo k sometimes while I stayed in bed. But if his cousin (sharing the flat with at the time) was still in the apartment, I'd get up and go pretty soon after he left.

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/01/2018 03:37

I think you should have left it.

Does he pay board? If so then he is paying for private use of his room and can do (within reason obviously) what he likes. He is 27 and at that age should not have to worry about his mother giving his guests the bums rush. Would you have done the same to a male friend?

I dont see why her being in one room and minding her own business would affect you being another room sewing.

OtterInDisgrace · 21/01/2018 04:02

Um, what? So he’s 27 and even if he’s paying board that’s no doubt at a very reduced rate to what it would be in the real world. It doesn’t give him carte Blanche to treat his family home as a hotel.

She was being rude.

HuskyMcClusky · 21/01/2018 04:08

I realise theres music playing from his room so knock & see girl still in bed, on phone, & ask how long she might be staying.

How embarrassing. I think you were rude. He’s 27, not 17. Why would you knock on his bedroom door and ask his guest how long she’s staying?! She’s in his bedroom, not lounging on your sofa in a communal area.

You need to discuss expectations with your son so this doesn’t happen again.

LolitaLempicka · 21/01/2018 04:19

Why does he still live at home? Is this your way of encouraging him to leave OP? Sneaky, but effective.

SilverBirchTree · 21/01/2018 04:23

Oo if I was that girl I wouldn’t come back. She’s lying in bed and you poke your head in?! If you’re trying to encourage your 27 yo to fly the best, you’ve done great work today.

SilverBirchTree · 21/01/2018 04:24

Just saw your in NZ.

Those Auckland property prices are leading so some awkward living arrangements.

HuskyMcClusky · 21/01/2018 04:24

So, was I being rude thinking that she should/could have been gone in the nearly 5 hours since her partner, our son left to go to work, in someone elses home

And actually, I think your son is also rude. He’s a grown man and has a separate entrance, etc - she probably assumed you don’t go into that part of the house! He should have told her the set-up.

Dancinggoat · 21/01/2018 04:37

I'd have asked if she would like a coffee. She could be a long term gf so I'd make an effort to get to know her and be friendly

pasturesgreen · 21/01/2018 04:55

You were a bit abrupt, yes.

Does your son's room also double up as a sewing room? Otherwise I fail to see how the gf's presence prevented you from doing your sewing.

flumpybear · 21/01/2018 05:11

In wouldn't want a complete stranger in my house whilst my child, the friend, was out, no way! Id have done the same
But probably earlier!

Northernparent68 · 21/01/2018 05:27

It’s your house, what matters is what you want.

pigeondujour · 21/01/2018 05:34

Poor girl, how awkward she must have felt. She was doing no harm whatsoever and you were rude.

HicDraconis · 21/01/2018 05:41

I’d have offered her a coffee and bacon sandwich! But then I’ve had virtual strangers move in for months on end (rent free - the guest room is there whether someone sleeps in it or not) and over time they’ve become friends.

If this is the first girl he’s brought back she may be heading towards seriousness / long term. Be careful, there are enough threads on here about the disaster that the mother in law / daughter in law relationship can turn into. I think you were a bit rude to ask how long she intended to be there, for all she knew with a separate entrance your son’s living space was separate.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 21/01/2018 05:45

Well it's an odd set up so the lines are blurred. Either his end of the house is set up as a"granny flat" and therefore a completely private home...or he's living in your home and you still walk into "his" part.

Original poster

mehimthem · 21/01/2018 05:46

ok, my oops then, when she did come out ready to leave, as I said, we had a cold drink & a bit of a chat. And sorry altho son has separate door access its still part of our whole home, just another side door.

I had unfortunately assumed from DS comments earlier today that she was only staying a short while then was to go ... it just seemed awkward to be walking up & down the hallway near those bedrooms doing stuff & using the bathroom, laundry etc when someone I had never met was still there, possibly wanting a shower etc. You know the awkward bump into each other in the hallway scenario

OP posts:

OliviaStabler · 21/01/2018 06:01

I agree with you. Why was she hanging around once he left. I'd understand if it was his own flat, but it isn't. I'd have expected her to leave when he did.

MidniteScribbler · 21/01/2018 06:13

Is she actually someone who he has been seeing for a while, or just someone he bought home for one night after meeting her at the pub?

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/01/2018 06:46

I think it was rude of her to stay. You’d never met her. She’s a stranger. Very different than a ltr.

mantlepiece · 21/01/2018 07:16

I think she should have left with your son.
If you had gone out for the morning you would have been leaving a stranger in your home.

If your son had introduced you to her beforehand you might have felt differently about the situation.

I think it's understandable you felt uneasy about it.

Original poster

mehimthem · 21/01/2018 07:22

Umm yes, not a ltr as far as I know (in that I havent heard him mention this girls name previously). And yes, I was completely trusting to the situation as I did go out this morning to visit my older Mum. My DH had come home in the meantime & he didnt know she was in DS room either - so while it has worked out OK this time I think in future - dont know that I could cope with all this drama too often :) - I will have a chat with DS & they can make other plans. Thanks for your comments.

OP posts:

GetYourRocksOff · 21/01/2018 07:38

I was 18 when my now dh left me in bed to go to work in his parents house. The plan was odd go 30 mins after each him to college. His mum was still athere work (nights). She came back befre I went - I was really embarrassed. She said hi and made me a cuppa and we had a nice chat. That was the first time i met her. 17 years later she's the best mil and granny to our kids I could ask for.

Hayze80 · 21/01/2018 08:16

The thing is, it’s your house. Yes he may be paying rent for his room, but if his guests have access to the whole house then there are some real potential safety issues here. Personally I wouldn’t be happy with anyone staying that I didn’t know. No one gets access to my house unsupervised. It might be fine, you might be robbed, you might be assaulted (slim chance, I know), but at the end of the day it should be your choice. You didn’t know her. She could have been anyone. I think it’s unreasonable to invite a guest back then leave them alone in someone else’s house.

jack2001 · 21/01/2018 09:51

I don't think I could date a 27 year old man that lived at home, how awkward misses the point of the thread

Summerandgin · 21/01/2018 09:58

I actually think the girl was really rude to lie in bed for 5 hours after your son had gone, playing music etc. She doesn’t know you, you’d never met her. If I was her I’d have either asked your son for a lift home and gone with him or at the very least have got up when he did and left 30 mins later etc. I’d feel so uncomfortable in someone else’s house.

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