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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

NOT Wanting relatives to take dd(2) when new baby comes.

50 replies

4strikes · 20/01/2018 23:09

I am getting so anxious with this. Am I being precious?

I am 39+4 with dc2( so could be any day now) My DM, mil and aunt all keep offering to/ suggesting that then have dd once I am home with the newborn, they also all keep trying to take her out now to “give me a break”

I know they mean well, but they won’t listen to me when I say no!! It’s infuriating.

I really want to enjoy the last few days/weeks of just being me and dd (and dh at weekend) and don’t want them to take her.

Also when the new baby arrives, I don’t want her to feel pushed out. I want her to feel included, not shoved off to whoever if free!

How can I make them leave us alone, I am so anxious about it.

OP posts:
Itsjustaphase84 · 20/01/2018 23:11

Just tell them thank you but you want to spend sometime with your dc instead. Maybe you plan to dp a b or c, or tell them nothing.

Kpo58 · 20/01/2018 23:18

If DC1 is close to the relatives I'd say that beare it in mind.

When your DH is back at work, on a.day where you have had only 3 hours sleep all night and DC1 is really bored because they haven't been out for a day or two, it might be useful for them to take DC1 out.

Helpotron3000 · 20/01/2018 23:18

Just say "thanks for the offer but I already have something sorted" and then don't elaborate

llangennith · 20/01/2018 23:29

Tell them you want this precious time with DD but thanks for offering. And if you still feel the same after you’ve had the baby tell them thanks but no thanks.

Snakesandsnakes · 20/01/2018 23:35

I felt a bit like this but when DD2 was a week old and I had terrible mastitis, hadn't slept at all and my mum pointed out that DD1 saw going out for lunch with her as a treat and not being 'forced out' I accepted the help. It definitely benefited us all. I'd explain how you feel now but hold off on any decisions until after the new baby arrives. Your daughter might really enjoy a bit of individual attention which will be in short supply otherwise.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 20/01/2018 23:46

Do they usually take her out?

Bettyspants · 20/01/2018 23:46

'Thank you so much for your kind offers! At the moment I'm really enjoying the time I've got with DD. Im also really keen for her to be with me and baby so they can bond and I can still give DD1 attention so She doesn't feel pushed out. However in the future it might be a really good idea for her to have some 'special time' with you while I have a rest- would you mind very much if I contact you if that happens but for now politely decline your offer?'

MissClareRemembers · 20/01/2018 23:47

Say thank you and I’ll let you know!

Wait and see how you feel. The change between having 1and 2 D can be seismic and you may find you really, really need some help.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 20/01/2018 23:55

Try to stop getting anxious about it. They’re being kind & thoughtful, just keep saying ’No thank you. I’m really enjoying spending time with DD before the baby arrives & I think I just want DD to be here when the baby comes so she can bond & not feel pushed out, but I’ll definitely let you know if I change my mind!’

No one can take her against your will, so there’s nothing to get anxious about. Just say ‘No thank,you’.💐

TiffanyAtBreakfast · 21/01/2018 08:45

You just need to say, thankyou very much but if I need help I will ask.

I'm 34 weeks pregnant with my second and I'd give anything for family to offer to take DS out to give me a break! YAB a bit U in that sense tbh.

Mammyloveswine · 21/01/2018 09:07

I have a two week old and a just turned 2 year old... I can't even get dh to take the toddler out for longer than an hour (even tho I took both out on Friday so he could rest before going back to work... fucking idiot that I am).

Anyway your toddler will enjoy the attention ... you will be knackered and sore and a few hours when baby is cluster feeding will be needed!

Wait and see how you feel afterwards.

Pleasedontdrawonyoursister · 21/01/2018 09:16

I felt the same as you, but once DD2 arrived if someone offered to take DD1 out I jumped at the chance! It meant I could get some jobs done or just collapse on the sofa and she had a great time with people who love her. Win win! It soon stops by the way, so I would accept the offer whilst it’s there.

AuntLydia · 21/01/2018 09:21

Why is it making you so anxious? Are you OK? Are they the type of people who ride roughshod over you generally?

Perhaps you could give them a different 'job' to do. Say something like 'actually we're really making the most of dd while it's just her and we don't want to her to feel pushed out. It would really help if you could come over and make us dinner/do some laundry/pick up some shopping'. If they are offering to have dd because they genuinely want to help they'll be happy to do something else.

52FestiveRoad · 21/01/2018 09:25

Are they offering to take her out for a few hours, or to take her to stay away for a few nights? I think the former would be ok if you need a break, but the latter is a no no in terms of your DD not feeling left out. My ILs offered to have my DD for a few days so we could bond with the new baby, we declined as we wanted DD there to bond too. They did look after both DC at times though so I could get some sleep. So do what you feel is right for your family!

MsGameandWatching · 21/01/2018 09:30

There will probably come a time when you would like the help so keep it pleasant just in case. I was the same though, I wanted both my very young children with me and I think that's perfectly normal.

grasspigeons · 21/01/2018 09:31

you don't have to do anything you don't want to do

however, I do think it might be useful for your DD to go out and do some short helpful things on your terms - like go to the park for half and hour. So don't burn any bridges just yet. Be vague.

I completely understand not wanting her to feel forced out but you might find she sees them making a fuss of the baby and then feels its her turn to be made a fuss of by popping out for icecream or something.

And at some point they could look after your new baby for an hour, taking it for a walk in the buggy and let you and your DD have some together time.

Rainbowsandflowers78 · 21/01/2018 09:33

Tell them the truth!

I’d like to spend as much time with dd before and when the baby arrives so she doesn’t feel pushed out - thank you very much for your offer of help though - I’d love it if you could come round and help with the house though or maybe hold the baby whilst it’s sleeping so I can play with dd.

alotalotalot · 21/01/2018 09:35

You are right that she might feel pushed out. Ask them to take her a week or two later, if all goes well and you feel she will be ok about it.

BertrandRussell · 21/01/2018 09:36

Don’t close any doors. And if your dd is not used to going out with them, then I really suggest letting it happen a few times before the baby’s born. You don’t know how you will feel after, and it might very well be a godsend to have other loving adults to take her out for a bit of exercise and fuss. If only because it will give you and do a chance to gaze worshippingly at the new baby for a bit in a way that often second babies don’t get!

PinkyBlunder · 21/01/2018 09:38

You’re about a week ahead of me and I feel the same. The only place DD is going is school and the clubs she usually goes to (if she wants to). I want us to be together with no pressure or interference for a little while so we can get used to being a family of 4 together. I also want to keep an eye on her to make sure she is actually ok with everything and put her mind at rest if she isn’t (I remember younger siblings arriving far too well Grin) Later on down the line, if she’s happy to of course, or specifically asks to go to GPs or whatever, of course I’d let her go.

It’s annoying but you just have to say no and that you don’t want to be asked/told again. If you can’t do that then get you DP to do it. Truth be told I’ve been a bit anxious about all the external pushiness from family about when they can see the baby, when can they ‘help’, when can they stay etc. You just don’t need the extra pressure when you’re dealing with late pregnancy and trying to focus on the task at hand. It gets too much.

So get like Zammo and just say no!

formerbabe · 21/01/2018 09:42

You're anxious because you have plenty of willing relatives wanting to help you?

Seriously?

Allthewaves · 21/01/2018 09:42

Not sure why your anxious. Isn't it a good thing for child to spend a little time with grandparent.

Original poster
4strikes · 21/01/2018 09:43

Thanks for all the replies.

I think if it were just my dm I would be happier as dd has always spent a lot of time with her anyway.

It’s mil and aunt who are a problem, they have never spent any 1-1 time with dd before and really have never shown a huge amount of interest in her before.

I have never really liked leaving her with anyone and only ever have because I have to for work. Never out of choice. So it seems horrible timing to start leaving her now and might be confusing to her.

OP posts:
PinkyBlunder · 21/01/2018 09:45

Don’t be obtuse formerbabe it’s not the offer of help that’s making OP anxious, it’s the pushiness and not taking no for an answer.

user1493413286 · 21/01/2018 09:48

You also might find that when your baby arrives you’d appreciate more someone sitting with the baby while you spend time with DD. I don’t mean out of the house as I don’t think you’d want to leave the new baby but just someone to hold the baby while you play a game with DD or have cuddles with her. You could suggest that to the family.

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