NOT Wanting relatives to take dd(2) when new baby comes.

[4strikes]

I am getting so anxious with this. Am I being precious?

I am 39+4 with dc2( so could be any day now) My DM, mil and aunt all keep offering to/ suggesting that then have dd once I am home with the newborn, they also all keep trying to take her out now to “give me a break”

I know they mean well, but they won’t listen to me when I say no!! It’s infuriating.

I really want to enjoy the last few days/weeks of just being me and dd (and dh at weekend) and don’t want them to take her.

Also when the new baby arrives, I don’t want her to feel pushed out. I want her to feel included, not shoved off to whoever if free!

How can I make them leave us alone, I am so anxious about it.

Really don’t say a categorical “No”!

My dd was 4 when ds came along, and she really remembers going out on little trips and being spoiled by her grandparents, aunts and other adults. And it was lovely when she came home tired and happy and ready to cuddle up. Often with a wildly inappropriate present for her brother she had conned out of a granddad. The days are long with a new baby, and the novelty soon wears off for a sibling. They need to have special things just for them too. And it’s great to have trusted adults to take the baby out in the pram for a bit so you can really focus on the older one sometimes.

Can you tell I feel quite strongly about this.?

You're saying no too softly.

Say it very calmly but firm. Repeat when needed until they get it.

Do not worry about this, enjoy your little ones.

The problem is (speaking from experience as it’s happening to me right now too!) that saying ‘we’re just going to see how it goes’, ‘we’ll let you know’ etc just doesn’t always cut it with relatives that have already made their mind up. After the 50th time of being pushed asked, you feel backed into a corner and have had enough. At that point a firm ‘I said no’ is more than appropriate.

How old is DD1? I have a 25 month old and 4 week old. I jump at every chance I get for someone to take the 2 year old, juggling both is so hard.

i was going to say a similar thing to bertrand. think of this from your older child's perspective. they might enjoy being treated by other members of the family. the joy of having a new baby in the house that needs a lot of your attention may be a great novelty for a while but may wear off very quickly, especially when your oldest learns they have to share your attention. if your oldest can associate the arrival of the baby with getting lots of treats and nice outings its likely to make the whole thing go a lot more smoothly and mean they get on better

Just say 'No thank you' and keep saying it until they get the message.

They're just trying to help and support you OP. And I don't see how taking your DD to feed the ducks for an hour or so, or go to the park or whatever, is going to confuse her at all. What will you do when she goes to nursery?

If it's anything longer, eg overnight or something, then obviously no. But it's sad that you are so reluctant for her to spend a little time with kind-hearted relatives.

Sounds like they're trying to help and be kind.

It might be more fun for your DD to go out with relatives, instead of being at home all the time once the baby arrives. You might be too sore/tired/stressed to give her much attention in the early weeks.

Are you worried they won't look after her properly? Could DH go with them?

Babies are very boring to toddlers at first. She might not be interested in the baby or be openly jealous, so going out might be a nice distraction for her.

"Thank you for your kind offer. I will keep it in mind."

Say what AnnieAnoniMouse has written. They possibly don’t want to hear you because they don’t think they’re being heard. Acknowledging their thoughtfulness whilst still refusing at this time is a good start and leaves the door open for you to ask if necessary. If you have any complications such as a baby with colic or you have an infection after birth, you may be glad of the help.

You might not need the help now. Having been in your shoes recently, there were days I would have appreciated some help with older daughter. Trips to the park became more complicated as I don't have enough pair of hands for example (baby needs feed or attention, DD wants to go on swing ...). You could ask them to join in your activities for example instead of them being alone with your daughter. If she is more familiar with them, then you would be more comfortable allowing them to look after her while you have a much needed rest.

And it's not just "needing" help. It's also about making sure the older one has as much fun as usual-preferably more. So trips to the park with granny. Out for an ice cream with auntie. Life at home with a boring baby and a tired mum can be a bit restricting for an active older sibling!

Please don't. I vividly remember being regularly packed off to a neighbour's house 'to play' after my brother was born and feeling like I wasn't wanted anymore now there was a new baby... I'm nearly forty and it still bothers me

They probably remember having young kids themselves and no one helping because ‘you’ve done it before, you know what you’re doing’. They are trying to tell you you are loved and they are there if you need them.

Thank them properly. Don’t look away and change the subject, look in their eyes and say thank you so much, we’re enjoying spending time together for now but I really appreciate the offer, we’ll take you up on it if we need it.

There’s no need to make firm arrangements now anyway. If they push you could make some comment along the lines of oh we’re so lucky, so many people are offering help. I’ll be sat on my arse for the whole of February at this rate . That lets them know you are well supported and not desperately wishing someone would take DC1 out.

I loved the transition from 1 to 2 and didn’t accept any extra help except for a couple of trips out with MIL which were just lovely bonding time for DS rather than time I ‘needed’.

2 to 3 on the other hand...I’ve been palming them off on anyone that’ll have them...

Okay OP I suffer anxiety too so let me tell you something to remember - it's not the situation that is making you anxious it's your own mind. Take control - take a deep breath, I think it's natural and generally considered helpful for family to offer something like this.

I totally understand why at the moment you want to spend time with your older child - but they will still be there even after the baby is born! Just be honest - say you are really keen to enjoy time with her at the moment but would love to take up their offer when you are not sleeping/ newborn phase.

I promise you will appreciate the help once your baby is here - remember that for your 2year old being taken out will be more fun a lot of the time than sitting watching you feed a baby for hours.

No reason at all to be anxiou s- just be clear and firm. they can't make you do anything op!

Please don't. I vividly remember being regularly packed off to a neighbour's house 'to play' after my brother was born and feeling like I wasn't wanted anymore now there was a new baby... I'm nearly forty and it still bothers me

It still bothers you a 40
Must be a backstory to this...

Ladymonicabaddingham - that's a shame but I am sure millions of kids also enjoy spending time with grandparents when a baby is in the house causing disruption.

They're trying to be helpful. You might be on your knees begging for help in a couple of weeks.

What I found useful was an extra pair of hands between 4:30 and 7pm and/ or staying with no 2 so I could take ds to the park and run round with him. I too wouldn't have wanted anyone taking ds out after dd was born my mum was very wise and said the baby doesn't know any different, so concentrate on the older child. (3 generations of 2.5 year age gaps).

My 22 year old has very happy memories of being taken out "on the spree" (as my fil put it) when her brother was tiny. No sense of being pushed out at all.

You don't know what your new baby will be like, it might scream all day long and refuse to be put down. Your toddler might be delighted to get away from it. My DD adores her grandma and thinks of it as a treat to be taken out and made a fuss of by her.

Ladymonica
I imagine it was the way this was done. Or a backstory as suggested just now. If an elder sibling isn’t properly prepared by their parents for the new arrival for example, it can be a very confusing time for them.

It depends totally on the child. No one can tell you what is right. There is no way I would have wanted someone who hadn’t spent much time with DS to take him out when he was a shy 3 year old experiencing a lot of change. I coped fine with just MIL helping, who saw him a lot before I was even pregnant. But that’s not the point. They are only offering and trying to be kind. Just decline and be tactful with it and bear them in mind for if you need help later.

We have a 2.3 year age gap. The only thing that kept me sane in the first few weeks was my parents staying and dealing with my toddler most of the time so I could focus on the baby or catch up on sleep.

I wouldn’t be too quick to dismiss help. My DS has zero interest in his baby sister, and would go stir crazy if he had to sit in the house all day while I basically did nothing but breastfeed.

A trip to the park for an hour with my parents, he’s happy cos he’s had their attention and burned off some energy, I’m happy cos I’ve had some (relative) peace.

If that kind of help doesn’t work for you and your DD then ask for something that does. Even someone holding the baby while you play with toddler, or just coming round and playing with the toddler while you’re feeding the baby . Or cooking or cleaning for you?

"It's really kind of you to offer I'm looking forward to spending time with dc1 before number 2 arrives. I'm sure I'll be looking for help with dc1 in a few weeks when I'm exhausted though"